Pirates of the Caribbean 4 Movie Review

I was invited by some guys relatively last minute to go see the new Pirates movie on Saturday. I had been wanting to go, but couldn’t quite pull the trigger.  I’m glad these guys did.

Pirates 4 (I don’t even feel like typing out the whole name of this movie.  That should give you some idea where this is headed.) returns the Mad Hatter as Jack Sparrow and the speech therapist from King’s Speech (Betcha didn’t think I watched movies like that) as Barbosa.  Those not returning include Legolas and Jules from Bend it Like Beckham.  New characters include “not-Selma Hayek or Catherine Zeta Jones” as a new pirate and Jack’s foil/love interest and “I think I know him no I don’t, but he was the voice of the bad guy in Kung Fu Panda” as Blackbeard.

Expectations:  The second and third movies were mediocre at best.  I ended up owning them, because of a mix-up with the Disney movie club that I didn’t feel like fixing.  The first one is probably a top 15 all time movie for me.  I loved it.  The fact that they were redoing the cast made me think that they had a good new idea and this one would be better.  Plus, it was in 3D, which is cool.  Wait…that’s right, I didn’t see it in 3D.  Why not? I’m looking at you, guys who invited me.  In summary, my expectations were medium-high.

Reality: I was disappointed.  Perhaps if I had had lower expectations I would have liked it.  Maybe if I had seen it in 3D (still looking at you guys).  The plot idea I think was a pretty good one.  However, there wasn’t enough Captain Jack being a goofus.  Also, the mermaid thing was little, hmmm, overdone? pointless? ridiculous?  It reminded me of one of those things that sounds like a good idea in your dorm room at 2 am, but in real life, no so much.  “Dude, what if we had mermaids and they were like evil and stuff?”  “Yeah, dude. What if they had vampire teeth?”  “Awesome, what if we gave them Spiderman’s powers?” “Dude!!!!”

Spoiler Question: Is that missionary dude now in Mermaid Heaven with Tom Hanks? (Boom! Dated reference!)

Appropriateness:  Short answer: just like the other ones.  Long answer: sexual tension between Sparrow and Angelica, and plenty of innuendo.  There were a few curse words and plenty of piratey violence.

Rating: (New System–American Idol Style)

Paula: That was fabulous, amazing, and I was touched deeply (Definitely go see it, now)

Randy: It was just aiiight for me, Dawg (Maybe see it, you should rent it)

Simon: That was indulgent nonsense (Bad, but still worth seeing. Redbox it)

Kara: What was the point of Kara, anyway? (Run for the hills, don’t ever see it)

I rate this a Randy, but it was almost a Simon.  I would wait to rent it.

You may be wondering about the other judges.  They could, I suppose be there own categories.  For your enjoyment:

Ellen: It’s supposed to be good, but it’s not, even though you really want it to be.

Steven: Trainwreck good

Jennifer: At least she can dance, but that’s not what we’re doing. Confusing, but mildly entertaining, nowhere near a Paula.