Embracing the Fishbowl

Well, my older daughter has a FB page now.  We had a deal worked out, in part because of the move and also as a reward for good grades.  You might would think that this is about to turn into a sappy blog post where I lament how old she is getting.  I’m going to save that one for when she asks to get her driver’s permit.  I know that some people are hesitant to allow there kids access to the social media.  However, the overwhelming number of people in her class already had one, so it can’t be too widespread.

Most people’s concerns come down to privacy issues.  People don’t want their children’s info or pictures “out there.”  The world is a scary place and there are a good number of Mervy McChestersons out there on the internets.  However we have some good controls in place that we feel good about.

But really, she is already “out there.”  If you don’t believe me, look at the banner on the top of this page.  There they are.   Click on the tag “parenting” or “daughters” at the bottom of this post.  Her pictures are out there, stories are out there.  Our life is the proverbial fish bowl.

Often I have heard pastors and their families complain about the fishbowl.  Why is everybody watching our every move?  Why do they scrutinize us so?  People get frustrated and discouraged by people watching them and feel like it is undeserved and unwanted pressure.

We say, “Bring it on.”  I don’t say that because I’m perfect.  I’m not.  We’re not.  If you look (and not very hard) you will see a man full of flaws with a family that is working on stuff the way that all families are.  However, I’m going to tell you about them, perhaps even before you see them.  You are going to know me and who I am, what I’m good at and what I’m not.  The same for my family.  We are out there for the world to see.

This calls us up.  We know that the world and the church need leaders and examples to follow.  However, no one needs someone who is pretending to be something that they are not, pretending to be perfect, pretending to have it all together.  The problem with living in a fishbowl is not that people can see, it is when you have things to hide.  Mind you, I go to lengths to protect my girls’ privacy.  They are never the villains in my stories.  If it is embarassing to them, you won’t hear about it from me.

But we as a family have been called by God to lead people and a local church.  Our lives are public lives.  Here’s the kicker.  So is yours.  Jesus said that you are the light of the world.  People are looking to you to find answers.  What does it mean to be a follower of Jesus?  Can Jesus in your life really make a difference?  People are watching.  What are they seeing?

What I hope they see in us is a family that is not perfect, but is honest.  A family that loves God and loves each other.  A family that wants to honor God and be the people that he has called us to be.  We can’t fight the fishbowl, because that is where we live.  That’s where you live too.

Embrace the fishbowl.  Be transparent.   Be real.  Be somebody that people want to be.

Mowing Into the Empty Lot Next Door (A Metaphor for Growth)

On one side of our house there are three empty lots.  We have lived here for four years and there hasn’t been any change.  To some degree it feels like the lot backs (I guess sides) to a small woodland area.  It’s been nice.  You want to buy our house?

Also, for the last four years, just about every time that I mow, I have mowed about 2 inches into that empty lot.  For a little while it was grass.  Then it became small bushes and giant weeds.  Most recently it has been stuff that a reasonable person would not run over with his cheap push mower.  (Un)fortunately, I am not that reasonable.  Why would I do this, especially since I hate mowing?  Well, it makes our side yard look bigger.  (For the record, I have not moved the property stakes.)

What difference can a couple of inches make in the way your yard looks?  Well, not much really.  Except that I have been doing this for 4 years now.  We now, no exaggeration have about 8 feet of additional yard.  We have seeded grass over there, treated weeds, filled in dirt.  (Pretty silly for property we don’t own, I know)  But it looks great and we love it. 

What does this have to do with anything?  Great question.  Two inches is not that much, but over time makes a huge difference in the appearance of our yard.  So often, this is also how we grow in our relationship with God and in our character–two inches at a time.  Sometimes we wonder if we really are becoming more like Jesus, becoming the men and women that he has called us to be.  We don’t see it.  Perhaps you’re an anxious person and have been for some time, and it frustrates you that you still struggle with anxiety.  Maybe you get angry.  Maybe you have a judgmental spirit.

When we struggle with sin like this, often we just want it to go away, and it doesn’t seem to.  We can wonder if God is really working in our lives.  We grow impatient that we don’t see radical change in our lives, immediately.  If I can pop popcorn in the microwave in two minutes, shouldn’t God be able to root out my worst sins in less time than that?  Sure, he could, but how God often deals with us is one day at a time, one circumstance at a time, “two inches” at a time. 

Look back six months, a year, four years.  How has God grown you, changed you, matured you?  Are you the same person you were or are you slowly becoming more and more like His Son.  How much has God taught you in the journey?  He is not simply and suddenly removing all sin from your life, but buidling a relationship with you every day and you are building more trust in him every day.

Sometimes we will experience radical overnight change, but that is rarely the norm.  Also, there are some of us that aren’t walking with God at all, who are still the same person, if not worse, that we were 4 years ago.  (There may be a harsher blog post in your future).  However, I want this to be encouragement to the bulk of us who daily are trying to walk with God, please him, be genuine Christ followers, and experience the ups and downs and life.  God is working in your life.

Know that day by day God is reclaiming the yard of the empty lot of sin in your life two inches at a time.  (Cheesy and took the metaphor one step too far.  Success!!)

She Said What?

The fam and I went swimming over the weekend.  FYI, my girls would swim 24/7 given the opportunity.  They have been know to be in a swimming pool for 8 hours straight.  They have never even hinted that they were ready to go home. 

Anywho, the girls and I have a series of games that we play.  One is where one of us is on one side of the pool giving clues about something and the rest of us have to guess.  When we think we know, we have to swim across the pool and guess.  If wrong, we have to swim back.  I, as I am prone to do, ruin the integrity of the game by constantly swimming back and forth guessing random things.  (Item #412 on the list “Things Maylee and Lauren Will Have to Explain to Their Therapist”)

Maylee is “it” and gives the following clues:

This is a person

He has black hair

He is somone I admire more than anyone

He is my role model in everything

At this point, Lauren takes off swimming and guesses “Daddy.”  Maylee says that is right.  I am stunned.  Why?  Because I think it’s awesome that Maylee would still describe my mostly salt, salt-n-pepper hair as black.

Seriously, what did she just say?  I am whom she admires most in the world?  Role model in everything?  I can’t accurately explain the conflicted feelings of pride and absolute fear that I felt in that moment.  Now mind you, I have taught on numerous occasions to dads that what she said is what kids believe.  Even daughters, perhaps especially daughters.  It’s one thing to teach it to other people, it is another thing entirely to hear those words come out of my daughter’s mouth and to have the other daughter so quickly guess it.

Everything that I do is being watched.  Everything I say or do is being put into the category of “that’s the way to talk and act.”  Everything.  I’m sure that she has a filter to filter out the bad things that she hears me say or do, but I’m guessing that each one of those breaks her heart and/or confuses her in some way.  “Easy, Cloften, that’s way too much pressure.   Get back to what I came here for: mediocre cynical, humorous obervations about life and pop culture.”  I know that it’s a lot of pressure.  Believe me, I know.  The pressure is not from me though.  It is from your kids.  We would all do well to feel some of that pressure and do our best to live up to it.  We would also do well to learn to depend on a God who loves us and is helping us become like his son, Jesus, and to point our children to that same God.  Remember, though God is described very often as Father, so it continues to boomerang back on you dads.

On the positive side, though, our kids do look at us through rose colored glasses.  How do I know?  She said I have black hair.

Robin Hood Movie Review

Just got finished watching Robin Hood.  I meant to see it last week and then yesterday and finally got to it today.  I did the very lame (to some) thing of going to see a movie by myself.  Sometimes I just love that.  Anywho,  Robin Hood starts Maximus as the lead and reunite the Gladiator with the director of Gladiator.  It also stars Galadriel (the kinda scary Elf queen witch lady) from Lord of the Rings as Lady Marion, the priest from the Exorcist as Sir Walter Loxley, and reunites Col. Striker and the Blob from X-Men Origins: Wolverine as King Richard and Little John.  I could do this all day.  It had a lot of people in it that make you go, “wait a second, how do I know them?”

Expectations:  How could my expectations be higher?  Perhaps my expectations for the Hobbit will be higher.  I think my expectationsfor Star Wars: Phantom Menace were higher.  Suffice to say, reuiniting Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe in an heroic epic with swords had me through the roof.  I tried to temper my expectations, but they would not be tempered.

Reality: No movie, I mean no movie, can live up to these expectations.  So, I try to be gracious.  That said, I was surprised if not a little disappointed.  I was expecting more epic battle sequences and creative ways of taking people out with a bow and arrow.  What I got was a story with a plot.  This was a prequel story to how Robin Hood became Robin Hood.  I wish Heidi had been there.  I know she would have liked a plot-driven movie and thus I would have enjoyed it more.  All that said, I really enjoyed it.  The story was good, the action sequences were good.  Russell Crowe, as always, was unbelievable.

Appropriateness: In contrast to Gladiator or Braveheart, this was PG-13, so the battle sequences and kills were significantly less bloody and scary.  There was a lot, I mean a lot, of sexual innuendo, but you don’t see anything.  With the British accents, which I have a hard time understanding, there may have been even more than I noticed.  If I had a teenage son, I might let him see it.  That all depends on what you’re comfortable with.

Rating: (Here is the system)

See it in the theater and will definitely own

See it in the theater and might own

See it in the theater and will likely rent it

See it in the theater and be done

See it at the dollar theater

Rent it

Avoid it.

I rate it a see it in the theater and maybe own it.  It depends on how my typical 48 hour rumination on the movie goes.

That’s Not How I Would Do It

Here’s a quick test.  Someone is helping you out by loading your dishwasher for you.  You walk by and notice that they are not putting the cups where the cups go.  What do you do? 

1) Say “You’re not doing that right,” tackle them and start loading it yourself.

2) Encourage them in other ways they can help like folding washcloths (who can mess that up?) and start loading it yourself.

3) Give them some “helpful tips” on the “best way” to load the dishwasher and then nervously oversee them.

4) Twitch uncontrollably until you pass out, but you don’t say anything.

5) Walk away, and think “Sucker. I’m glad I’m not doing the dishes.  As long as you don’t accidentally put the dog in there, I’m good.”

There areprobably people who would answer at different places on this scale, if you control-freaks are willing to be honest.  However, most are probably putting themselves at 4 or 5.  I mean, come on, it’s just dishes.  However, more and more people will move up closer to 1 and 2 the more important the task is.  If it is something that is very important to you, something of great value, perhaps something that you will be evaluated on, the harder and harder it becomes for you to delegate things.

However, the better job that we can do delegating the big things, you know what happens?  The more attractive you are to leaders, big leaders, high capacity leaders.  If the only things that you can delegate are the “dishes” in your church or organization, the only people that you will have on your staff or as volunteers are dish loaders.

Too often we define delegating as “appointing someone else to do it just like I would” rather than “empowering someone to do it the way they would.”  But, Cloften, I want to teach them the right way to do it.  I understand that, but too often we get “right way” confused with “my way” and “only way.”  Teach someone the essentials, and then let them do it–their way. 

Let them lead.  Let them be creative.  Let them take risks.  Let them take the credit.  Then stand back and watch your leadership and your organization grow and flourish.

Sunday’s Coming Movie Trailer or “I don’t if I’m supposed to laugh or be convicted”

I don’t mean to be 2000 and late on this as I’m sure that many of you have seen this.  When I showed it to the worship team at Fellowship Cabot, they loved it and said that we have been busted.  I’m scared to show this to the good people at the Grove, because I would like to convince them that what we are going to do when I get there is both fresh and original.  Nope, we are already the subject of a spoof video.

I take comfort in the fact that North Point was making fun of themselves as well.  What do you think when you see it?  Is it funny, sad, ironic?  Let me know.  I’ve seen it 10 times and I’m still not sure.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isGrCmCFFmY

More About LOST or “Artists and Literature Guys Skewer a Math Major”

This is a continuation of yesterday’s LOST discussion, see here. I like starting new posts rather than making one post with a lot of comments.  (But that’s just me)

So I am minding my own business on yesterday’s LOST post and then someone quotes Faulkner to me.  I am now hearing from artists and literature guys.  Where are the other math majors?  They probably gave up on LOST years ago.

Here is what I want from a show like LOST or movies that delve into the supernatural–a cohesive worldview.  All of my nitpicky questions are part of an overall picture of what is the worldview. 

What are they wanting to say when it seems Michael is in worse shape with “God” for killing two innocent people out of desperation to save his son than Ben who slaughtered the entire Dharma Project and many more people?  As far as Mr. Eko and Walt go.  There are ways to make that work.  Film Eko on a green screen wherever he is.  Use clips from Walt from the early seasons.  Make him an adult.  Try harder.  That’s all I’m saying. 

We’ve also yet to dive into what Jack’s dad says.  You guys “created this place” to find each other.  Created this place?  What do you guys think that means?

BTW, I scrutinize time travel movies way more than this.  We can hammer that out another day.

LOST Questions, or “I wish I weren’t overly analytical”

My desire today was to blog about something of some consequence.  However, I think that it will take a mental purging of my internal crankiness about LOST to even get me to the point where I can.

Let’s say, first of all, that I never believed that LOST would answer all of my questions.  I hoped, but I never believed.  Second, don’t fill up the comments here with the basics.  I get the basic timeline:

People’s lives intertwine

People get on plane

Plane crashes

Hijinks ensue

They ultimately all die

They go to purgatoryish place and reconnect

They go to LOST heaven led by Dad.

Third, I understand that this was mostly a show about personal redemption and relationships, so spare me the “you missed the point” comments.  All that said, the nerd in me needs some answers.  So, if you would like you may contribute answers here.  You can put them in a comment or you if you are also overly-analytical and verbose and put something long and interesting together, I will post it here as a blog post (email me at charlie @ cloften.com ).

In no particular order:

What didn’t Walt and Michael get included in LOST purgatory and heaven?  For heavens sake, Boone is there.  Boone?   A case could also be made for Anna Lucia.  She showed up in purgatory.  Maybe she has more work to do.  I could go on here.  I’d find a way to get Lapidus and Richard in as well.  Not crash survivors you say?  What about Desmond and Penny?  OK, I’m done.

Who made the island and for what purpose?  What is the gold light thing?  Aren’t the answers we need really the bigger picture metaphysical questions?  For real, right?  No? Just me?  Fine.

Who put the crazy lady who killed Jacob’s mom in charge?  Then who put them in charge all the way back to the creator, I guess.

With Locke/Smokie/Esau dead, would anything have happened (big picture) if the island had gone down?

Is anybody else wishing they would make a buddy comedy following the wacky antics of Hurly, Ben and Vincent as they try to figure out how to run the island and work together?  You know, Perfect Strangers meets Gilligans Island.

That’s enough for now.  Maybe no one is going to comment and I just got a good rant out.  If not, we could keep this convo going a while.

My guess is that 24 will end a little cleaner.  Jack will kill everyone.  We will be left to think Jack may be dead, but he will survive for the movie.

Iron Man 2 Movie Review

I saw Iron Man 2 opening day with my brother.  I know that it has been a couple of weeks since then and this is a little stale, but I briefly lost my blogging mojo due to external circumstances.  Iron Man returns Sherlock Holmes as the lead and the big girl from Shallow Hal as Pepper Potts.  Introducing that really famous girl that really hasn’t done much but still manages to be famous as Natalie, that famous actor from the 80’s who revitalized his career by being crazy as the bad guy Ivan, and Wild Bill from Green Mile as Tony Stark’s rival.  Also, inexplicably replacing that dude from Crash as Rhodey is Basher from Ocean’s 11.

Expectations:  I initially had very high expectations for Iron Man 2 because I loved the first one so much.  As I was driving to the theater, I was thinking, “Dude, there is no way this is going to be Dark Knight.  So settle down.”  On the other hand, didn’t it have to be better than Batman Returns and Fantastic Four: Silver Surfer?  By the time I got there, I was thinking Spiderman II, good not great.

Reality: It was much, much better than Spiderman II but of course, no Dark Knight.  Robert Downey was incredible again. Mickey Rourke, who I suspect might not have been acting, was great as a crazy villain.  Scarlett Johannsen (not going to check spelling so leave it alone) and Gwenyth Paltrow (again) were not as wet-blankety as sometimes the female leads can be in hero movies.  There was great action and a plot that was not as convoluted as most superhero sequels can be.  Great blend of humor and action.  Did I mention that I saw it on the Imax?  Everything is cooler on Imax.  (Sidenote: now that my wife is hooked on the sparkly vampire books, do you think that they could please make one of these movies for Imax and/or 3D? That would really help me out.  Thx.)

Appropriateness:  Superhero violence that never is too bad.  It’s mostly beating up robots, but there is some blodd ‘n stuff.  Tony Stark’s character is still a cad, and so there is much innuendo, bikini ladies, etc.  My nine year old who loves superhero movies will not be allowed to see it yet.  She is still mad at me that I haven’t let her see the first one.  Of all the superhero franchises, this is the least kid friendly, IMNSHO (In my not so humble opinion)

Rating: (Here is the system)

See it in the theater and will definitely own

See it in the theater and might own

See it in the theater and will likely rent it

See it in the theater and be done

See it at the dollar theater

Rent it

Avoid it.

I rate it a see it in the theater and definitely own it.

Just Admit It Already. You Lied. On Purpose.

Quick show of hands.  Who here has ever said something that wasn’t true?  Good.  How many people here have ever told a lie?  Hopefully, we still have everyone.  Who has ever told a lie on purpose?  Ok.  Here is the big one.  Who has ever told a lie on purpose because we wanted the person/people hearing to believe something that wasn’t true, we wanted to deceive them and make ourselves look better in some way?  Reread that if you said no and try again.  Here is one more.  How many would do it again in a heartbeat if you thought you would get away with it?

I don’t care what you are telling yourself.  All of us on occasion, and on more occasions than we care to admit, say something deceptive on purpose to get away with something, inflate ourselves, hide, etc.  It shouldn’t be that way but it is.  The question for this post is “What do we do when we are caught?”  The way I see it we have two basic approaches that we can take.

1) The “safe” “smart” poltical approach.  You will excuse me if your party affiliation lines up with the most recent example of (nerd alert) political obfuscation.  This is meant by no means to characterize one party as the obfuscating (I will say that word as many times now as I can) and the other party as the party of virtue.  I won’t take the position that “they all do it.”  They don’t all do it, but plenty from every party do.  Disclaimer over.  A politician who served in the guard and was stationed stateside during Vietnam time period has been caught saying he served in Vietnam.  Let’s assume for a second that it was a complete accident.  If that had happened to me I would have said, “Dude, (I always say dude) I meant to say during.  I said in.  My bad.  I’m sorry.”  Here is what we got

“On a few occasions, I have misspoken about my service and I regret that. I take full responsibility,”

“But I will not allow anyone to take a few misplaced words and impugn my record of service to our country,”

Did he say it on purpose?  Did he intentionally blur the truth in the moment?  What is the full responsibility you are taking if no one can hold you accountable for those words?  If it was an accident, say it was.  (Sidebar.  Isn’t it interesting that we only accidentally say hurtful things about other people and helpful things about us.  I have never accidentally told someone to punch me in the face.  Although there are many times, I have tried to convince my wife that some hurtful things I said to her were accidental.)  If it wasn’t, please just say it that it wasn’t.  He won’t.  No politician ever will.  We have created a culture where vulnerability, transparency and humility are vices not virtues.  Which leads to the 2nd approach.

2) The humble, Biblical way.  What if we all decided that we would just be honest when caught in a lie.  What if we decided that we would be humble, admit our weaknesses and confess to each other?  What would happen if we lost this pressure to be perfect and stopped pretending to be perfect to each other?  We could then pray for each other, encourage other, be honest and build real trust with each other.

What if a politician said this?  “I’m sorry.  I exaggerated.  I shouldn’t have.  I served during Vietnam and I thought that was close enough to being true.  Really, though, I was exaggerating for effect to make my point sound better and make me look better.  I shouldn’t have done that.  Forgive me.”

Well, Cloften, that is the stupidest thing that I have ever heard.  Who in their right mind would say that?  His opponents would jump on him and say that he is not trustworthy.  Can you imagine the political ads they would run?  He would lose everything and be done in poltics.  He would lose it all, and what would he gain?

Integrity.

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