Parenting: A Matter of Will and Work

I’m not going to lie to you, I’m tired.  It’s a good kind of tired (Worn-out cliche alert).  At the end of the day (Another one), it’s hard work being a parent, but it is completely worth it.  You get back more than you give (Should I keep going?).  But honestly, it is exhausting.  The only way that parenting doesn’t wear you out from time to time, is if you aren’t doing it right.  You see (does that count as one?), children are relentless.  Rebellion, selfishness, their need for discipline is ongoing.

You want a break, but no break comes.  Maybe you get small respites when they sleep or they finally settle in on a parent approved activity.  However, you use that time to clean up the mess from what just happened and/or gather up your hair that you just pulled out. Obviously (?), I exaggerate, but not by much.  I’m also guessing that about 1 in 4 of you are thinking, “No you aren’t.  Keep preaching.”

We have 3 girls in our home now, 14, 11 and 1/6.  This broad range of ages provides us with a lot of different kinds of challenges.  We have one who interacts with teenage boys all day (yikes and yuk), one who has begun the stage where girls begin to create relentless drama (yuk and yikes), and one who poops her pants (just yuk).

There is almost (?) always something going on in our house that requires some parenting.  A “tone” that you hear from a conversation going on between the two oldest, a baby who can’t/won’t take a nap, chores that just won’t get done even though you have asked more than once (that baby just won’t keep her room clean, no matter what we do), or yesterday’s problem–constipated baby.

The question we have to ask is do we have the stomach and the will and the energy to parent.  Too often, parents choose the path of least resistance.  What brings peace and/or quiet the fastest is rarely what is best for the family in the long run.  Ignoring it keeps you in the chair but fixes nothing.  Giving in may make them quiet, but it creates what we call “unsustainable systems” (read kids who think they can always get what they want by whining, yelling, fit-throwing, etc.).  Yelling in anger certainly gets attention, but at what cost?

Kids need consistent, strong parents with even handed discipline.  They need you, working hard.  They need you to be willing to do what other parents won’t or can’t and what you very often don’t feel like doing.  Get up, find out what’s going on, what happened, why did it happen, how can you fix this instance, how can you prevent it in the future, is there a bigger picture issue… (This goes for babies as well.  They need help.  They are just babies.  They don’t always know what they want, much less need.  When they do think they know, sometimes they are wrong.  Remember, they are just babies.  Love them, meet their needs, but don’t forget they need shepherding as well.)

It’s not always easy, but’s it worth it.  Then you can sit down and rest until the next time (read not very long).  Did I mention that it’s worth it?  Hang in there and go for it (You knew one more was coming, right?).

My Way or the…No Just My Way

When it comes to sports, I have the reputation of being a hater.  Apart from the Razorbacks, the St. Louis Cardinals and Phil Mickelson, I don’t root for anyone.  I spend most of my time rooting against people and teams.  If my daughter Lauren comes in and sees me watching sports, if she doesn’t see one of the three entities mentioned above, she will ask, “Which one of these teams do we not like?”

All that to say, as I use the Cowboys as an illustration, I’m not hating on them.  I’m not a Cowboy hater, mostly because you can’t hate something that’s not any good (That sounded like hating, but it wasn’t).

This interview with Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones caught my attention recently:

“The facts are that I’ve spent 22 years doing this exactly the same way,” Jones said Tuesday on KRLD-FM. “I’ve made a lot of changes from year to year as time goes along, but frankly, I know that when we do not have the kind of success, when we don’t have expectations lived up to, the one that should get the most heat is the one that ultimately makes the decisions, period, with the Dallas Cowboys. And that’s me.”

The owner of the Dallas Cowboys doesn’t want to hire a general manager to run his team.  Why?  Apparently because we’ve always done it this way.  He can see no reason to change.  However, the fact that the team has only won one playoff game in the last 15 years might seem like a good reason, but not to him.

Why?  Apparently, he likes being in charge.  It would seem that being the one in control is more important than success.  I get that, I suppose.  If I were to buy a video game, I would want to play it, and if I wasn’t any good, I wouldn’t hire someone to play for me and register a high score in my name.  I would want to do it. (Way to go, Cloften.  A sports analogy and video game analogy in the same post.  People are loving this)

However, wouldn’t he rather his team has success than have control?  His fans would, but that doesn’t matter.  At least not to him.  Before this post continues, let’s take a moment and judge him.  (Pause)  Well done.

How many areas of our life would we choose control over success?  I see this in churches.  A church would rather do it “their way” than be successful.  (Let’s put aside what your definition of success is.  Regardless of your definition of what makes a church successful, is it being successful based on your definition?)  Rather than even asking the question are we being successful, we determine that we are being successful because we are doing it the right (read my) way.  That’s very similar to what Jerry Jones is doing.  What makes us successful? Me being in charge.  That’s the top priority.  Results are secondary.

This is what bad leaders, church or otherwise, do.  It is better to fail than ask for help.  It is better to fail than read a book.  It is better to fail than to admit to someone that you are failing.

This happens in churches, marriages, parenting, everywhere.  We ignore results and change nothing.  It doesn’t matter if we are winning, because we have “spent 22 years doing this exactly the same way.”

If it’s not working, be humble enough to say something and then do something about it.  God is there for you, wise counsel is there for you, friends, books, even Yahoo answers might could help (Don’t go to Yahoo answers).

Choose success over control.

The Sins of the Father…

If there is any verse/passage/concept that men hope is not true, it is this one:

“You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me,” Exodus 20:5

We do not want to believe that somehow the consequences of our sins fall to our kids, grandkids, etc.  We know that we are sinners and we bear the weight of our decisions.  We don’t really like the idea of having to bear the burden for our own stupidity, but the idea that someone else, much less our kids, would have to bear the burden is too much.

However, we may not want it to be true, but isn’t it obvious that it is?  Don’t we see it?  The decisions that we make and the consequences get passed down from generation to generation.  Sons say they won’t be like their dad, but they are.  They (we) become what they (we) saw.

Reading through my passage for my Bible in a year plan today, I read the story of Isaac and Rebekah.  Isaac is going through the land of King Abimilek.  He tells the king that his wife is actually his sister.  This is the same lie that his dad, Abraham, told two different kings at two different times.  What a coincidence, a son repeats the exact same sin that his father did.

Thankfully I don’t have any sons (true) so this doesn’t apply to me (not true).  I never see my sins repeated in my daughters (not true).  I’ve never once seen traits of cynicism (not true) or bursts of anger (you get the point).  In fact, it is burned into my memory the time my 8 year old daughter screamed at the car in front of us, “Hey! Move! The light is not getting any greener!”

Our children are and will become what they see, but before we allow that to only discourage us, let’s look at the next verse in Exodus 20:

“But showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.” Exodus 20:6

It works both ways, so while you should feel challenged, you should be encouraged as well.  Be encouraged to be better, to pursue God more and to show your kids how to be a man (woman) and follower of God.

When Your “Want to” is Broken

I was pontificating to one of my daughters the other day (I won’t say who, because, well you’ll see).  I was telling her that there are some ways in which I miss the terrible twos.  Before you declare me crazy, allow me to explain.  You see, when you tell a two year old to do (or not do) something and they do not want to, they make it very plain.  They scream “NO!” or they kick and stomp their feet.  It is clear that they disagree with your assessment of what they should spend their time doing and they clearly communicate to you their displeasure.  What it lacks in subtlety, it makes up for in clarity.

Nowadays, rebellion looks a little bit different.  Now when we ask someone to do (or not do) something, there is no screaming fit or tantrum.  There is nothing.  It is as if no one has said anything.  Life continues on.  I told this daughter that I miss the old days when rebellion stared me in the face with defiance than ignored us with passive-agression.

As always, even as I’m talking to my daughter and I am overwhelmingly aware of what a giant hypocrite I am as God whispers in my ear, “Hmm, I don’t know anyone like that.  Someone who just doesn’t want to, so he doesn’t.”  I’m going to confess to you, sometimes my “want to” is broken.  No active rebellion, no anger, just “don’t want to.”

What should I/we do? What do we do when our “want to” is broken?  We’ve all been there.  There are things we know we should do, must do, would be good to do, are right to do, etc.  However, we just don’t want to.

Part of me is tempted to end the post there with a rhetorical question, mostly because I’m not sure I “want to” hear the answer.

I’ve noticed first that my “want to” is tied to how rested I am.  I’m not talking about simply physical rest, but spiritual rest as well.  Usually this is a good indicator that I need to either spend some time in prayer and the word and/or take a nap.  Do not undervalue either of these practices–devotionals and “deep” meditation.

Also, I think it is important that we draw from the “get to” tank before we go to the “have to” tank.  If this is starting to confuse you, I’m sorry.  When we don’t want to do what is right, it’s better for us to remember that it is privilege that we get to serve and honor God with our lives and obedience.  This is significantly better than have to.  We don’t like being reminded that we have to do something any more than our kids do.  Even if it’s true that we have to, I believe it is better to be motivated by gratitude than obligation.

Finally, to invent a phrase never before spoken or written and is certainly not overused in any and all contexts, just do it.  Have you ever truly regretted doing what was right when it was hard, or when you were tired or just didn’t want to?  Maybe we can come up with few random examples, but an overwhelming number of times, we experience a joy from doing what God has called us to that make getting over ourselves worth it, which in turn leads to an increase in “want to.”

So get up and have that conversation you don’t want to have, make that phone call, pick up that Bible and get caught up with your Bible reading plan.  Because you know you want to, even when you don’t want to.

Bible in a Year: Genesis 1-11 Amazing, “Unbelievable” Stories

January 6th.  Who’s still keeping up with their daily reading plan?  I know that most of you are still going strong, at least I hope so.  The Leviticus slump is coming and the summer sleepies.  Let’s hang tough in January, especially during Genesis.  (I know that everyone is not doing the same plan, but just about everyone is reading Genesis right now)

As I finished Genesis 1-11 this week, I was captured again by how fantastic these stories, and if I could use the word “unbelievable” at least momentarily.  For some, we read those stories, we believe them but brush them off as kid’s Sunday School stories.  For others, we dismiss them like fables–cute stories, but no serious person would truly believe them.

Well, I don’t know if I am a serious person, but I believe them.  I believe that God created the world through his words and there are limits as to what science can tell us about what a supernatural God that cannot be observed did or does.  I believe Satan spoke through a snake in a literal Garden of Eden.  Jesus references these stories, Paul references these stories, and both of them as true stories.  They don’t simply reference the lesson, but the history.  It doesn’t bother me that I sound naive.  I’m also just naive enough to believe that a literally dead person literally came back to life after having literally been dead.  He walked around and then was taken to heaven.  If I’m naive enough to believe that, then believing animals walked onto a giant boat to avoid a worldwide flood seems like no big deal.

(I could go on and on.  My belief in these Bible stories is not shallow and pretty well thought out.  However, an apologetic article would be more like a blog series, and these Bible in a Year posts are designed to be more devotional.  If you have some interest in apologetic stuff, let me know.  I could write some stuff and I know some other folks who would love to do it as well.)

However, I don’t want to spend a lot of time on that, because I think by spending a lot of energy trying to decide what fits with science and answering “is it true” questions that we miss some major themes of the Bible that God is wanting to introduce as we start through the Bible.  Here are just a few.

1) The main “character” of the Bible is God.  “In the beginning God…”  That’s where it starts.  We get to people later.  Too often we read the Bible the way we used to read our high school yearbooks.  Hundreds of pages in that book, we don’t notice most of them.  However the 4 or 5 pages (or more if you were some kind of superstar) where your picture is found are dog-eared. The Bible is not an instruction book, and it is not about us.  It was written for us, but it is about God.

2) God loves people and God hates sin.  Seems simple right.  I wonder though.  Do we believe both of those things?  I’m not sure.  Do we believe that God hates sin so much that it must be punished?  Kicked out of the garden, cursing the earth, banishment, a worldwide flood, confusing languages.  In a few chapters we will see the destruction of cities.  Does God hate sin that much?  Still?  We see God’s compassion, through the making of the clothes, sparing Cain, the remnant on the ark.  We see that even more in Jesus Christ.  However, compassion and forgiveness are only truly powerful if God hates sin and sin requires punishment.

3) God loves the whole world and loves diversity.  God wanted people to “fill the earth and multiply.”  He wanted the whole earth to be full.  He knew the result of that would be diversity.  People in different areas would adapt to different customs and languages.  However, people didn’t want that.  They stayed together and wanted to build a giant monument to keep them together.  God did to them what they refused to do themselves.  He made them diverse and spread them out.  Which leads to…

4) God is control.  He is working his plan.  If you are still reading your Bible every day in November and December (and why wouldn’t you be?) you will see God’s plan slowly unfolding over hundreds of years.  We should be both humbled and relieved.  God’s got this.  Whatever “this-es” you are going through, he’s got it.

There is so much more–redemption, forgiveness, the frailty of people, the devastating effects of sin.  The prologue (as some have called it) to the Bible is incredibly deep and powerful and sets the course for the big picture story of the Bible.  The God of the Universe creates a people who rebel.  He loves them and wants relationship with them, but they must be redeemed.

Glad you’re hanging in there.  Let’s keep doing this.

Resolution 2: Blog Again and Why I Stopped aka (One of) The Best Thing That’s Happened to Our Family

As none of you may have noticed, I quit blogging there for a while.  There are a few of reasons for that.  Some of which are not very interesting.  Most of the stuff that God has been teaching me has to do with how to be a better pastor from an organizational leadership perspective.  Seeing how you are not a pastor, you probably wouldn’t be interested in that.  I blog mostly from what is going on in my life and when I would sit down to write something, I would think “No one would be interested in that.” I know what you must be thinking (the 3 of you who have read this before), “Wait, your posts are supposed to be interesting?”

Honestly, I’ve also felt very stretched in my professional life and blogging got moved to the back.  I thought a couple of times about starting back, but I realized that I didn’t want to be a once every week and a half blogger, which is probably the best I could have done.  Decided it was better to wait until I could do it well.

Random leadership insight implied from previous paragraph:  Don’t do something new, unless you can do it well.  Don’t start something new until you are doing all the other things you’re supposed to be doing well.

Then in November something amazing happened.  God brought a baby into our home.  It was very sudden.  Not in a we didn’t know we were pregnant but still had months to think about it way, but a phone call go pick up a baby kind of way.  This is perhaps the most amazing thing that has happened to our family in a long time.  (I try to avoid superlatives.  When you live with 4, yes now 4 women, you have to be careful about things like, “You’re the best”  “You’re my best girl”  One thing about girls.  They are always listening and quickly and decisively filter what you say in ways that make you want to fake receiving a phone call and run from the room.)

Random Husband/Dad insight implied from that unintentionally sexist statement: Be careful what you say around your wife and daughters.  Your words matter. They are listening.  You can crush and inspire with each statement you make.

This precious baby has been in our home for almost 2 months now and is doing great and has completely and totally captivated each and every one of us.  There is a great chance that she will become part of our “forever family” (cute expression from adoption circles) and we couldn’t be more excited.  For those keeping score, that is a 14 year old, 11 year old and 2 month old.  In the meantime, we have to be discreet about talking about her publicly, showing pictures, etc.  This is a way to honor her and her natural family during a very hard time.

So again, you want to know what I’m thinking about.  Stuff I can’t really talk about with pictures I can’t show.  I would destroy this blog and eat the computer if it meant the safety, protection and honoring of this precious gift.

Random pastoral insight from previous paragraph:  Family first.   Wait, wait. I worry what you just heard was family is important. What I said was: family first.  Do you understand?

(Fans of Ron Swanson should be thinking about bacon and eggs)

So the blog is back.  I will occasionally have coded things to say about the world’s best baby who, by the way, has slept 8 hours 2 of the last 3 nights.

Resolution: Read Through the Bible This Year

I really don’t believe in New Years Resolutions.  I just think that the beginning of the year is a great time to start new things, make goals and try and improve yourself.  New Years Resolutions are just silly and arbitrary.

Something that we are doing as a church and family is we are going to read through the Bible this year. (Wait, you didn’t know that? Weren’t you at church on Sunday?  You weren’t? Don’t worry. We are not one of those churches that is real judgmental about people not coming…as far as you know.)

I have read through the Bible before, if you haven’t, it’s worth giving it a go.  Why you may ask?

1) The Bible has some great stories and teachings that most people haven’t read

2) You will get a better sense for the Bible as a whole

3) You will get a great sense of accomplishment (You know that you’ve always thought it would be a good idea, but never got around to it)

4) God will speak into your life every day that you are reading his word.

Here are some different options for you:

http://www.esv.org/resources/reading-plans-devotions/

I am doing the “Every Day in the Word” option.  It has a little of the OT, NT, Psalms and Proverbs each day.  A few times a week, I’ll blog about what we’re reading (Yes, I’m blogging again this year. Tomorrow, I’ll talk about what happened and why), and teach a little through the Old Testament.  If you have any questions, you can email me and I can blog about that.  I really am hoping that a lot of people will make it their goal to make it through the Bible this year, and I want to do whatever I can to help you through (Especially when Leviticus hits).

Pick a plan, make the commitment and let’s do this together.

Dating Rules and a New Kind of Feminist

Obligatory Cheesy Parenting Post on One of My Daughter’s Birthday

Can one of my daughter’s have a birthday and me not have some kind of sappy parenting post reflecting on how old they are getting?  Hmmm, no.

Our baby girl turned 11 yesterday. (Based on Lauren’s birthday party 11 is louder than 10. Boom! Dated, but still cool, reference! See below.)  Now that we have a soon to be 14 year old and 11 year old, I have officially turned into one of those guys.  You’re minding your own business, talking about your one year old and then I say, “You know, you’ll turn around one day and suddenly they will be 14.”  Yep, I’m that guy now.  Sorry.

It did happen very quickly.  I feel like I was paying attention.  I was there the whole time.  Then suddenly my 3 yr old and 6 yr old (that’s how old they are in my mind) are 11 and 13.

“So other than being sappy, what you got for us?”

1) Time is precious.  They will only be babies for a little while.  Toddlers for a little while.  Kids for a little while.

2) So make the most of it.  You will not look back in 25 years and think, “I wish I had watched more football” or “I wish I had taken a little more ‘me’ time.”  You will think, “I wish I would have sat on the floor and played more dorky games.”

3) Remember that them getting older is kinda the point.  You are raising them.  You are launching them.  Are you helping them become mature, godly adults? Or are they just getting older?

I love those girls so much, and somewhere there’s a “that guy” who wants to tell me that I’ll turn around again and I’ll be walking them down an aisle to marry some punk, that has a black-eye that I gave him.  I know, and I want to make the most of the time that I have in order to prepare them as best I can for those moments when they come.

Balance and the Body–Why We Need Each Other

I have a confession to make.  I’m not a balanced person.  Another confession: I never will be.  My skills as a gourmet chef are really lagging behind my other ones.  I, as of yet, have not even begun my training as a luthier.  In fact there are quite a few things that I’m just terrible at.  Chef and luthier aren’t even the worst.  “What is, then?”  Hmm, haven’t given it a lot of thought, but I’ll go with Lasik Eye Surgeon.

There are a few things that I’m good at, there are some things I’m great at, some ok, some mediocre, some slightly above average, some slightly below average, some..”Get on with it!”  All that to say, I feel I’m pretty good at public speaking and teaching, however, when the time comes for laser repair on my eyes, I’ll go with someone else.

(Sidenote:  This will never happen.  Ever.  I don’t want your finger within 18 inches of my eye, much less a laser, while I’m awake.  Not happening.  When the day comes, I will wear glasses, not contacts, glasses.  I don’t even want my finger near my eye.)

Hey Captain Ramble, you getting anywhere today?  Maybe, just move that threatening finger away from my face.  Seriously, it unnerves me.  In the same way that I am unbalanced, most churches are unbalanced as well.  There are things that churches do well and things that they don’t do well.  While it is impossible to get me into balance in the over the top, tongue in cheek ways I’ve described, it is possible for churches to be balanced.

You see, a church doesn’t have to rely on one person or even a small group of people to be balanced.  We all have each other.  We all bring different skills, gifts and passions to the church.  When we all work together, God can use us to be everything he has called us to be as a church.

If your church is weak in something that you are gifted and passionate about, guess what that is not the pastor’s fault or the leadership’s fault.  It’s yours.  God put you in that church with those gifts and passions.  Use them, play your part in the body, your church.  Help your church be better by serving your church in that way.

“But Cloften, my church doesn’t let other people lead and do stuff.  They are very controlling.”  Welpst, there is really only one solution to that.  Punch them in the face and tell them it was from me.  (Just kidding?)  Even still, if you believe that God has called you there and God has impassioned you in this area, do what you can to be a part of the solution.

We, by this I mean me as well, spend a lot of our time complaining about what is and wishing about what is not yet.  We spend less time being used by God to make what is not, is.  (Sorry)  If you are at the Grove, we need you.  If you are somewhere else, I assure you, your church needs you as well.

Especially if you are a luthier.

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