Why Am I the One That’s Nervous?

How many times in the last 5 years of my life has this been the scene?  I am standing on the sidelines of a soccer practice and watching Lauren.  I choose to not try and calculate that number.  (The answer will be troubling, like the time I calculated the number of sermons/talks I’ve heard in my life.)  However, this one was different.  This is her first “tryout.”  We are moving from academy level to club level.  What does that mean, you may ask?  First, it means they take more of our money and second, it would seem, that they take more of our time.  As they describe it though, I realize this team we’ve played on this year was already acting like a “club level” team, so we are already prepared for the time that competitive soccer can take.

Anywho, she is now trying out for the team as we move to this next level.  I am watching this tryout and I am as nervous as I have been in a long time.  I remember the first time I spoke at Fellowship Bible in Little Rock and I knew that I was going to speaking to thousands.  I was nervous.  Seriously, I was more nervous yesterday.  It felt silly, but I couldn’t help it.

I’ve felt this way before.  I took Maylee to an audition for a musical a few months ago.  I couldn’t get that stupid knot out of my stomach.  I was pacing down the hallway trying (unsuccessfully) to not listen in.

What is this neurotic behavior? Where does it come from?  It happens in a lot of parents for different reasons and manifests itself in different ways.  For me, I just don’t want them to be disappointed–ever.  I want them to always win, always be happy.  I want to give them everything they need and as much as they want as I can (within the bounds of good behavior, grateful hearts, anti-materialism, etc).  9 times out of 10 if they say, “Can we go to Sonic?” we go to Sonic.  Same for ice cream and renting movies.  The answer is almost always yes, if it is possible to do so.

Here I am though in situations that I can’t control even in the slightest.  I cannot ensure (good post on difference between insure, ensure and assure here) outcomes here, like I can with producing cherry limeades.  So perhaps, this is, at least in part, control issues.  However, it is so much more than that. I want them to win. I don’t want them to experience disappointment.

Unfortunately for some parents, this leads us to drive our children harder than they want to be driven.  “You must succeed.”  This makes it more about us than them.  Similarly, yet differently (nice, huh?) it can lead us to discourage our children from taking risks.  “It’s better to protect them, so they won’t get hurt.”  I think this also is about protecting us more than them.  It also isn’t realistic.  They will be disappointed.  That’s one of the sure things of this world.  Disappointment will come and it will hurt.

Are we preparing them for it? Are we walking them through it? Do we lovingly encourage them the whole way? These are the questions that we need to ask ourselves, not the question I wish I could: how can I make sure they are never disappointed or hurt?

As the reader(s?) of this blog know, I love my daughters and am overwhelmingly proud of them. I want them to win and I want them to know that I am their biggest fan in the world.  Our kids need to know that.

Just don’t tell them that I’m nervous, because it makes them nervous, and then they don’t do as well and then I get more nervous, which…you get the idea.

Why Don’t You Ask For Help?

Turns out the invincible Lauren Loften is having some problem with math.  This is a strange phenomenon for my younger daughter.  It turns out that pretty much everything she has been “taught” in school up to this point, she pretty much knew already or at worst, immediately understood and learned.  Converting fractions to decimals to percents has been weighing her down.  She was getting good grades on her work in class, because as it turns out, they let them use calculators that have  “convert to fractions” “convert to decimal” buttons on them.

(Side Rant.  Since when do kids get to use calculators?  That is ridiculous.  I remember getting to use a calculator in class in Trig, rarely and that’s it.  I took Cal in high school and I was a math major in college and took every kind of math imaginable and we didn’t get to use a calculator.  That’s like taking your spelling test on Microsoft Word with the red squiggles turned on.  No I didn’t walk to school uphill in the snow.  I did ride my bike a few times, but it was because I wanted to.)

When did I find out about Lauren struggling in math?  After she had already not done well on the test.  She has a dad who was a math major and has tutored lots of people in math, and she never asked me for help.  Someone who loves her very deeply and would help her in an instant is in the room across the hall and she doesn’t ask for help.  Turns out she also never asked her teacher for help or clarification as well.

I asked her why not.  She said, “pride.” (Strange answer for a 10 year old. Turns out she had already had this convo with mom)  We talked for a while over some Maggie Moo’s about how she doesn’t like to admit mistakes or weakness.  She doesn’t want anyone to think that she’s got problems.  She wants everyone to believe that she has everything under control.

Who does that sound like? (I wrestled a little with who/whom there.  I just go with who if I’m not sure, because whom always sounds wrong, even when it’s right)  If you said me, then you are correct.  Unless by “me” you mean me.  Then you are wrong.  You should have said “you” meaning you.  If you said “you” and you meant me, you are wrong.  You should have said “me” meaning you.  Wait, what?

Actually, it’s all of us. We have access to the God of the Universe through prayer and his word.  He loves us and already knows that we are struggling.  He would gladly provide peace and guidance and lead us.  We don’t ask.  Why?  Lauren’s one-word answer will suffice: pride.

We want to give the impression that we’ve “got it” when we don’t.  Even when we aren’t fooling anyone, even if what we are struggling with is crippling us.  We need to get over ourselves and recognize our weaknesses and our dependence on God.

He will gladly love you, help you and sustain you.

(Also, I will help you with your math homework)

How Do I Keep from Breaking My Daughter?

This is an actual question put to me on a golf course recently by a friend and fellow dad of daughter.  I don’t know if that is word for word what he said.  If it wasn’t “break” it might have been “ruin” or “mess up.”  Regardless, it was something like that.

I love the question because it really gets at the heart of most guys’ fear about having a daughter.  We consider daughters to be significantly more breakable than a boy.  Boys are durable and tough, and girls are fragile.

Disclaimer: I am not saying that there is such a difference between boys and girls.  I’m saying that is how dads feel.  Little boys are significantly more fragile than most dads realize.

Clarification: Fragile does not connote weakness, at least not in this case.  It really is better understood as valuable and precious.  All things that are valuable and precious are breakable.  That’s how we feel.  You can’t judge our feelings (I may or not be crying now).

I think this belief that a dad can ruin a girl, easily leads many men to becoming passive in their parenting of their daughters.  “Since I am a blumbering idiot, I cannot be trusted.  Wife (I know, no one calls their wife, “wife”), you take care of it.”  If it is not that kind of passivity, a different kind emerges.  The second kind of passivity eliminates discipline.  “She is my beautiful princess.  She never does anything wrong.”  This is seen even more in dads that have sons first.  “Boys are punks like me and need beatings (exaggerated word for effect.  You guys are sensitive today) just like I needed them.  But my precious girl, she just needs more smooches and to be held and given everything she ever wants always.”

I think in my verbiage (turns out it’s not verbage, but verbiage and connote not connotate. Thanks red squigglies. Even though I’m ignoring you with the word “squigglies”) in that last sentence, anyone can figure out what one of my pieces of advice was–your daughter needs to be disciplined as well.

Despite the fact that she is beautiful and sweet, she also has a sinful, selfish heart that needs to be shaped.  She needs to be corrected, disciplined and punished, just as you would your son.  “Just as you would?  That can’t be true.  It has to be different.”  I can agree with that for the same reasons that I would say that you have to discipline different boys differently.  They have different personalities, tendencies, respond to different punishments uniquely, etc.  However, despite the differences between children in general and girls and boys specifically, one similarity remains–they need to have their selfish desires and hearts shaped by a loving parent.

I told my friend that your daughter learns that she is your beautiful princess when things are going well.  She learns to restrain selfishness and sin and (gulp) that she is not the literal or figurative center of the universe when she acts out.  It is possible to be the “fun one” and the “tough one,” to be the “doting dad” and the “disciplinarian.”

We risk “breaking” our daughters when we are one to the exclusion of the other.  Most guys, at least with girls, tend to dote and not discipline.  I certainly am not advocating the other extreme.

Balance, no not balance, but the appropriate role at the appropriate time under the appropriate circumstances is what we need to strive for as dads.  But that is a blog post for another day.

When You Gonna Let That Girl Date?

This is a post where the scope of audience is limited.  Not a lot of Cloften readers out there with pre-teen or teenage daughters.  However, I know that there are some out there with a curiosity about our dating philosophy as parents.  I know this, because you have asked me.  Regardless, it doesn’t matter if you are interested.  I am compiling all my thoughts on parenting into a future book called “The Daddy Your Daughter Needs.”  This will go in the teenage section.  Anywho…

Do you let Maylee (13 yrs old) date?

No.

When will you let her start dating?

Short answer: TBD

Not quite as short answer: When it makes sense for her to start dating.

“Come on Cloften, give us a break.  What we need from you is some arbitrary selected date that is not based at all on the individual girl or her circumstances.  We need you to make dating a carrot that dangles in front of her until you finally relent and let her do it.” (I deleted a sentence in that rant. It was tasty.)

Before I go too far, there a couple of things we have done that way–earrings (10) and make-up (13).  However, those are relatively small things compared to dating.  Those are, in part, tasks that need a level of maturity to manage.  Dating is another level.

Dating is exposing my daughter to the opportunity to have her heart broken by a kid without the maturity or hormone balance to have any clue as to what he is doing.  This is entrusting the heart of my fragile teenage girl to a boy.  (I just deleted an adjective in front of boy. You could probably guess it, if you tried.)

Dating doesn’t make sense for a 13 yr old girl.  “Jim and Tina are going out.” “Going where?”  “Nowhere.  It means they’re dating.”  “Do they go on dates?” “No.” “Do they sit together at lunch?” “No” “Then what does it mean?” “It means they like each other.”  “If they don’t sit together, or really even talk to each other or go places together then why call it dating or going out?” “…” (Based on a real conversation.  Only the names have been changed to protect the ridiculous.)

“Ted broke up with me, and I cried for, like, forever,” said the 12 yr old girl, in my car.  “Really? Forever, that’s a long time,” said the snarky dad of another girl in my car.  “Well, just a few hours, but the next day I started going with Fred so I’m OK now.”

Do you see now what I mean by “it doesn’t make sense?”  I would only be exposing my daughter to unhealthy thinking and perspectives on “love” and “dating” by doing it when it doesn’t have the capacity to be love or dating.

She is completely free to like boys, even particular boys.  She doesn’t tell them. Why should she?  She would tell you there is freedom in that.  That’s right. She would tell you that.  When that boy acts like a boy, it disappoints her. It doesn’t crush her.  She moves on and learns what she likes and doesn’t like in a boy.

Her heart is God’s first and mine next, and I will not let someone I cannot trust have access to it.  Seriously, she is more happy and content than any of the boy-crazy girls I have ever met–by far.

Surely Cloften, you have a date in mind.  I really don’t.  I can imagine that in the next couple of years girls and boys in a group going to the movies together, not paired off.  You can call that group dating, I guess.

But if you are asking when I would let a boy take my daughter somewhere alone for an extended period of time at night without supervision?  The answer is some time after I would let that same boy take my car out under the same circumstances.  You see, the worst thing you can do to my car can be fixed with money.  The worst thing you can do to my daughter’s heart and innocence cannot be.

The True Measure of Character

This post initially started out in my mind as a straight-up anti-Laker rant.  Hopefully (for you), this post will be more subdued.  For those who don’t know why I would be ranting about it at all, let me briefly explain.  Yesterday, the 2-time defending NBA champions were eliminated from the playoffs.  They got swept out, which means they lost their best of 7 series 4-0, without winning a game.

In that final game yesterday, they were down by 20+ points most of the game.  Late in the game, 2 of the Lakers best 4 players (Andrew Bynum and Lamar Odom) intentionally knocked someone to the ground for no reason.  One of them was especially bad, because the fouler had about 100 pounds on the foulee and said foulee was airborne at the time when he received the forearm to his ribcage.  Those 2 fouls were cheap shots and dirty plays, and they will most likely be fined and suspended.

Before I continue the mini-rant, a couple of disclaimers:

1) I root against the Lakers.  I always root against teams that win all the time, especially if I’m told repeatedly by sports media that I’m supposed to like them.  Many teams and individuals fall into this category.  Lakers are near the top. (They can thank the Duke Blue Devils and Tiger Woods from keeping them off the top of the list)

2) I don’t follow the NBA too closely.  Most of what I know comes from Sportscenter and PTI (best show on television).  I start watching during the 2nd round of the playoffs.

What I do know from watching ESPN is that the Lakers are great champions with great leaders in their coaches and players.  I was disinclined to believe these things (see disclaimer 1), but what do I know (see disclaimer 2)?

Before we go too far down this road, I do not want to judge their character.  I don’t even know them.  Athletes are barely any different than cartoon characters to us.  If my worst moments were caught on national TV, I would hope that people would give me grace and that I would not be defined by them.  I will separate silly sports rants from bigger picture questions of specific individual people’s character.

However (you knew something was coming), people who put themselves in the public eye do give us opportunity to reflect and analyze issues of character, not based on their character (which we don’t know) but their behavior (which we can see).

Given that mega-disclaimer, here is what we all need to understand–our true character is tested and measured by adversity.

Here is a list of things you shouldn’t say:

“I’m really nice, unless you make me mad.”

“I love people when they aren’t annoying me.”

“I’m incredibly patient until something stressful happens.”

“I’m very gracious unless you cross me.”

“They are great champions unless they lose and start knocking people around the court with uncalled for forearms (sorry, had to throw that in there)”

It is easy to be patient when there is no cause to be impatient.  It’s easy to be gracious when people are being nice.  It’s easy to be a “winner” or a “champion” when you are winning.  But what are we like when we are “losing” and when life is stressful and painful and hard?  Are we truly allowing God to refine deep character into us? Are we allowing adversity to make us more like Jesus?  Or are we simply surviving bad times with mediocre (or worse) character and waiting to be the “real me” again?

The “real me” is not the me when everything is going just my way, but the person that is on display in adversity.  My hope is that, whether or not there are television cameras on or not, when those times hit me that the love and light of God would shine.

James 1:2-4
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Matthew 5:43-48

Love for Enemies

⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸ Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Your Kids Won’t Become Something Your Not

We are in Branson at “The City” last weekend (that’s what regulars such as us call Silver Dollar City. You can only use it if you go at least 10 times a year.  “Wait? Do you go 10 times a year?”  Yes, is that weird? “…” Yes and we know all the words to the dialogue at Fire in the Hole and Powderkeg.  Is that weird? “…”  #LongestParentheticalRamble to date).

It was Worldfest which is a festival where different shows/acts/performers from different countries come and put on shows in the various small theaters scattered throughout the City.  We are watching one (I won’t say which one, because my Mom really liked it) and the two kids were with me start leaning over and making snide comments, cheering in mildly facetious ways, etc.  As always, the rhetorical question comes up, “Where did they learn to be like this?”

I will answer the rhetorical question for you, which by definition, makes it not a rhetorical question.  Their whole lives they have been listening to their two parents watch various reality shows, newscasts, live Branson shows like they were Statler and Waldorf (Boom! Dated reference!)

This is what happens at their house quite often, and occasionally leaks onto social media.  We make fun of things that we find to be cheesy or over the top–generally things that are entertaining in ways that they didn’t intend.

While this is a somewhat humorous example, it leads to a more serious issue.  Our kids are becoming what they see.  They are becoming their parents, and there really aren’t any other options than that.

“But Cloften, my kid is smarter than me, plays the piano, is good at sports.  Neither one of us were like that.”  Sure, they can have different interests, skills and hobbies.  They can even be better at certain activities than you.  However, they will not have better character.

Have you ever yelled at your kid about them yelling at someone else?  Have you ever overreacted in anger to them overreacting in anger?  Have you ever had a rough night’s sleep worrying about the fact that your kid has a lot of anxiety at school?

They are watching and learning.  They are taking their cues about how to talk to other people based on the way you talk to their mother/father even if you aren’t married.  They are taking their cues based on how you talk to them, on the way you handle adversity and the relationships they see that you have.

Do you want them to stop fighting? Stop fighting with your spouse.  Do you want them to not be angry?  Stop getting angry with them.  Are “shut up” and “crap” bad words?  Don’t use them, even when you think they aren’t listening.  Do you want them to conduct themselves in a sophisticated manner at a Branson show?  Don’t…you get the idea.

One of the keys to having kids with good character is to become a person of character yourself.

One final piece of advice.  If you are ever the primary performer at a Branson show and you say, “Feel free to cheer and whoop however you feel.  Be as loud as you like,” watch out.  We might be there and do just that.

Stupid Things Christians Fight About #2

What do you call a sequel done long after the original which barely anyone remembers?  Tron Legacy? Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps? ET 2: The Apocalypse? A bad idea?  Probably the latter.  When not even Shia Labeouf can make it successful, you know you shouldn’t do it.  I was going to put his picture in here in the hopes that it would generate some traffic.  Maybe if I just put his name in here it will end up on the Google search for his name on page 1274.

But it is not the gap between the original post and this post that makes me think this isn’t a good idea.  It’s the content. You see, I do not strive to be controversial.  Controversy has found me several times, but I don’t seek it.  This post seems, at least in part, like seeking controversy.  I may just write this blog post for my own interest and then never publish it.  If you read that sentence, clearly I didn’t.  We’ll see. (”Dude, if you aren’t publishing this, then to whom are you talking?” As always, the voices in my head)

You would think that stating an issue shouldn’t be controversial (i.e. stop fighting about it) wouldn’t be controversial.  But if the passions are very high, people often don’t want to be told that they shouldn’t be.

Disclaimer #17 (I know get on with it already) Just because I say you shouldn’t fight about it, doesn’t me that we can’t disagree or discuss.  I just wish we could simmer down a little.  That’s not true–I mean simmer down a lot.

In this corner: People who believe that certain pastoral/leadership positions in churches are limited to men.

In the other corner: People who believe that that there are no such restrictions and all pastoral/leadership position are open to both men and women.

You see? You are already mad, because what I should have said was this:

In this corner: Misogynist (read He-man, Woman-Haters Club. Boom! Dated reference!), neanderthal, Bible-thumping sexist idiots that think men are better than women and want to see women barefoot and pregnant.

In the other corner: Bible-hating, culture-compromising liberals who don’t care what God says about anything who dream of a utopian androgynous society.

Isn’t that how the debate is framed?  That’s how much of the conversation goes far too often.  We believe the worst about people, assume the worst motives in people, if (gasp) they disagree with us.

This is not the final, most important battle over the inspiration or inerrancy of the Bible.  If that’s what you’re concerned about the authority of the Scripture, talk about that.  This is a simple disagreement about which passages should inform the others and interpreting and applying Scripture in different cultural contexts.  In the same vein, this is not a civil rights issue.  This is a “What does the Bible say? What should Christians believe?” issue.

But Cloften, there are some woman-hating jerks out there that believe this.  Agreed.

But Cloften, there are some people who teach this that teach the Bible is outdated should be ignored when we as a society have evolved.  Agreed.

I give you permission (arrogant, no?) to fight (verbally) with any woman-hating jerks or Christian teachers that undermine the authority of the Scripture. I would just ask that when 2 people that love both women and the Bible talk about this issue that we could show at least some measure of civility and respect that elevates at least a little bit over the highly intellectual discourse of say, Fox News and MSNBC. (FYI, you should feel insulted by being compared to them.)

But it’s a slippery slope! Slippery slope! (That’s both of you talking, BTW.)  Fine. Calmly, rationally discuss what you fear the slippery slope will lead to. When you are done, pray for each other, and go focus, you know, on, like, well, important stuff–people who desperately need Christ and those that have no food or place to sleep.  Certainly, can we stop publicly insulting each other?  (I’m looking at you internet)

I know some amazing pastors (of both genders) that are a part of both kinds of churches that love women and the Bible. (Did I just blow your mind?) They are doing great things for God.  We also know bad examples on both sides. However, for those of us who agree on 100% of essential stuff and 90% of everything else, can we please settle down on the 10%?

BTW, somebody is wrong on this issue.  It’s probably you.

Why I’ll Never Write a Book or The Dangers of Comparisons

In the last 6 months I have had literally 100’s, no, dozens, no, pairs of people ask me if I’ve ever thought about writing a book.  Let’s all close our eyes and imagine what that would be like, shall we?  Well, first of all, an even mediocre author knows better than to tell readers to close their eyes and then describe something in writing.  Secondish, speling and the use of real words are very important (note, that sentence was ironical) 3rdly, have you ever noticed the sheer volume of pointless rambly parenthetical and/or voice in my head conversations on this blog?  “No of course I haven’t.  Whom in there rite mind would read this blog twice?”  Agreed.  (My top nominations for people who will get totally annoyed by the intentional misspellings and bad grammar–my wife and my mom.  The wildcard is Lisa Fischer from the Morning Rush in Central Arkansas on B98 She and the other host Jeff Matthews are the most famous people I know in real life.  Hmm, let me think about that.  I may need to make a list and see how that plays out)

See what I mean.  What would a book made up of that look like? Rambling inanity, insanity and vanity.  However, I would honestly like to do that some day.  I have two in my head–one on dad’s raising daughters and the other on having a theology that moves beyond overly simplistic catch phrases.  I think I would enjoy the challenge of doing that.  Maybe some day (sentence fragment, consider revising).

Anywho, so I’ve got a small group that I meet with on Monday.  We are reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.  If you haven’t read that book, you should.  It is incredible.  He takes controversial topics that Christians debate and in about 5 sentences obliterates opposing arguments.  He does it with a writing style that is both incredibly intelligent and humorous.  He is an unbelievably talented author.  Every time I read a section of that book, I think, “There is no way I should write a book, not when there are authors like this out there.  My drivel would just stink up the place.”

When I think that, I am [mostly] kidding.  What is true is that I am overwhelmed by his talent and gifting and wish that I could write that.  I feel vastly inferior to him.  Truth be known, my writing ability is vastly inferior.  However, all of this kind of thinking is at best pointless and at worst destructive and dishonoring to God.

You see, God has uniquely gifted me and impassioned me.  He has made me what I am.  He chose to give me certain gifts and certain desires and passions.  My responsibility is to use those to be the man that God has called me to be, not to look around at other people that I wish that I could have been and try to be the best “them” that God has called “them” to be.

We waste a lot of emotional energy wishing that we had been made differently or wish we were as good at something else as someone else.  God has entrusted each of us with incredible gifts and talents.  He certainly is not wishing that I was as great a writer as C.S. Lewis or leader like Andy Stanley or visionary like Rick Warren (please don’t derail this by saying you don’t like either or both of those guys.  They have tremendous giftings as leaders and visionaries. You can rant on someone else’s blog about whether or not you think they are using those gifts in the right way.).

If he had wanted me to be any of those things, you know what he would have done?  Lean in. (Overly dramatic whisper voice) He would have made me that way.  God chose to give me certain gifts and not others. God has done the same for you.  There are no upper tier gifts and lower tier gifts.  You don’t ever get to say to me, “I’m just a ________.”  You are not “just” anything.  You are exactly what God made you.

Make the most of what God has given you.  Be the person God has called you to be.  Whether you be write gooder or not.

Good News, Bad News and Good Friday

From Luke 7

⁴⁰ Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”

“Tell me, teacher,” he said.

⁴¹ “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty.⁴² Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”

⁴³ Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”

“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.

⁴⁴ Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. ⁴⁵ You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. ⁴⁶ You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. ⁴⁷ Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”

There are some people out there that think that we offend people by talking about sin.  “We need to talk about the Good News of the gospel.  When you talk about sin, it’s bad news.”  I confess I have fallen into this trap before.  However, consider this.  Good news is often made significantly better when we understand how bad the news was.

A friend has a cold and is healed is good news.  A friend has cancer and is healed is GOOD news.

A billionaire winning $1000 is good news.  Someone about to have their house foreclosed winning the same is GOOD news.

Jesus dying for the sins of someone who thinks, “Yeah, I’m a pretty good person.  I need to be more religious,” I suppose is good news.  Jesus dying for someone whose heart is often very dark and does bad things to hurt people on purpose, who feels isolated and lonely and dying, whose conscious is overwhelmed, who is desperate and hopeless is GOOD news.

When we take time to truly reflect on the fact that we didn’t simply need a boost, but because of our sin we were hopeless, desperate enemies of God, the good news of the gospel and the message of Good Friday become GOOD news on GOOD Friday.  Take some today and reflect on the bad news, not for its own sake, but so that then we can celebrate all the more, the GOOD news of GOOD Friday.

Velociraptors Fences and the Rigors of Parenting 2: Electric Bugaloo

Whoa! A sequel.  I know.  Doesn’t it remind you of the old days?  “Old days? This blog hasn’t even been around a year and a half.”  I know, but in that short history was an 11 part series entitled Stuff Christians Need to Stop Saying.  That’s right, 11.  That was followed by a series that I got disinterested after 1, entitled Stupid Things Christians Fight About #1.  Since there was only one, the #1 seems pointless.  I guess I could go back, Tron style, and make a sequel after a long gap.

Anywho, this is not really going to be a series.  It’s really more like what is happening with the Hobbit or back in the day with Back to the Future 2 & 3.  There was one idea that ended up needing to be stretched over 2 installments.  “Enough with the movie references, get on with it.”  If you read any of the links above, you’ll get why I did it.  It’s a throwback.

(Read Part 1 here)

We moved to O’Fallon, MO in January 2002.  That seems like a very long time ago, almost like 10 years or something.  Lauren Loften was 15 months old and big sister Maylee had just turned 4.

Some of you know Lauren from Colorado (0-15 mths)–Bizarre growling baby

Some of you know Lauren from Cabot (5 yrs – 9 yrs)–Soccer player, best friend of boys, burgeoning dork

Some of you only know Lauren from NWA (almost 10 – present)–Wisecracking humorist, ninja goalie, (gulp) girl

But then there was Lauren in STL from (15mths – 5 yrs).  Maniacal toddler and preschooler.  She never learned to walk.  She went straight from crawling at 6 months to running about 9 months and never slowed down.  She would put her arms in the air and run full speed until she crashed something.  She would fall down, shake it off, turn a new direction and repeat the process–indefinitely until it was time to eat (She shared the same meal schedule as Hobbits).

So when we moved to St. Louis, we bought a house that had a nice backyard, but no fence.  Would you like to guess what our first priority was?  That’s right; building a fence.  We never let her out in the yard until we built that fence, unless one of us was holding on to her.  Her in a yard with no fence was an unbelievably scary prospect.

Why did we build that fence?  To protect her.  We lived one house away from an incredibly busy street and just a few houses down from a pond.  We needed to protect her from danger and mostly from herself.  We built that fence out of love.

You see, there are two kinds of fences–prison fences and backyard fences for toddlers.  In a prison fence, you put all the bad things in the fence to keep the bad contained.  All the good stuff is outside the fence.  That’s why prisoners want to escape, to get from punishment to freedom.

A backyard fence is different.  We put the swing-set inside the fence.  We put all the toys inside the fence.  All the good stuff was inside.  We built it to protect what we valued and loved from danger and herself.

Into what category do the “fences” (discipline, structure, rules) we build for our kids fall? (I actually re-wrote that sentence so it wouldn’t end in a preposition.  Scholarly, I know)  Ideally, they are backyard fences with a big yard and lots of fun things to do.  They are not punishments but protections from danger and themselves.  We want them to enjoy life, but inside the protection of the fence.

However, our kids often feel they are prison fences.  They stand at the edge and scream and fuss, like a prisoner.  They are begging for freedom and escape.  How do you respond?  As we talked about in part 1, the fence needs to hold.  They need it to hold.  They need stability and security.  Do you know what happens when we give in? When we come to them and say dejectedly, “fine, do what you want,” we are agreeing with them that the fence is a prison fence.  You are giving them parole from your punishing fence. Now, in their mind, the whole fence, every rule and restriction is that way.  That brings chaos for you and them.

Don’t here me say more than I am.  Fences change and move as kids get older and mature.  (I’ll let you know when I would trust Lauren to live next to a pond. Arms in the air running full speed is still how we roll, only now we ride a bike.  I suppose literally rolling)  But you decide when to move them, when you agree that it is time, not when you become tired of fighting or you deem it “no longer worth it.”

Parenting is hard. Discipline is hard. Raising and training great kids is hard. Hang in there. Hold strong. It pays off in the long run for everyone.

(On a side note. If you have a maniacal toddler, you can survive.  Just barely, but you can.)

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