Best Action Heroes in a Battle Royal

January 30, 2010 by cloften  
Filed under General Insanity, Silliness and Rants

So here is the setup.  We have the top 10 action/adventure heroes and they have been tasked with eliminating the other 9.   There is no reasonable or even unreasonable scenario where you could make a movie where this would be the case, so I will not try.  Those with superpowers like Superman are not eligible and those with unrealistic technology also will not be considered like Iron Man.

Each will be analyzed for his particular strengths and weaknesses.  One strength that each of them has is their uncanny ability to cheat death, so it will seem ridiculous that any of them would ever be eliminated.  Also, you will find that qualities such as kindness and commitment to family will be under the “weakness” category.  Clearly, this is not a moral assessment.  It is only a weakness with respect to things that could be used against you in such a battle royal or your inability to make the hard decision when it counts.  If this all seems a little too violent for you, replace the word “killed” or “eliminated” with “tagged by a paintball.”

Batman is not under consideration here.  Even though he doesn’t have super powers and his technology isn’t too unreasonable, it just feels like he should be in a different discussion of superheroes.  Also, I want  to include warriors from previous eras, but it’s too hard to judge.  All things being equal, I believe that Maximus would dominate everyone on this list (with the possible exception of #1), but you can’t really compare him to people with sniper rifles and machine guns.  For that reason Indiana Jones also does not appear on this list.

One final note, Chuck Norris was going to be asked to participate but was deemed too awesomely destructive.  The person who was going to ask him was turned to stone just looking at him.  His beard volunteered to participate, but Norris was unwilling to part with the beard for the 30 seconds it would take to eliminate the competition.

10. MacGyver

The mullet can only carry you so far

The mullet can only carry you so far

Strengths: Ability to make incredible weapons, defenses, gadgets in general with q-tips, peanut butter, and empty jars of baby food.  Ability to think quickly in tense situations.  Mullet.

Weaknesses:  Lacks the killer instinct.  Nice guy.  Hates guns and violence.

Outcome:  After being chased to a remote location, MacGyver finds himself holed up in a bunker.  While trying to figure out a way to escape using only a spork, the wheels from a kid’s Big Wheels, and a left over piece of ooey gooey butter cake, John Rambo approaches the scene and destroys the bunker, the entire area, and all neighboring cities with a relentless assault with multiple grenade launchers, rocket launchers and possibly a suitcase nuke.  (Wait, that seems more like an episode of MacGruber)

9.  B.A. Baracus

Murdoch! I ain't gettin on no plane

Murdoch! I ain't gettin on no plane

Strengths: Ability to build elaborate contraptions.  Can drive a van as if it were a racecar.  Awesome nickname, attitude and Mohawk.

Weaknesses: Unwilling/unable to fly unless tranqed.  Easily duped into being tranqed when it is obvious he is going to have to fly.  Good at shooting guns, but not actually hitting the people that he is shooting. (Lots of ammunition used on A-Team, no bad guys ever injured or killed)

Outcome:  While tracking Dirty Harry, Harry is able to slip out of his grasp by, of all things, getting on an airplane.   He does not realize that he is being chased by John McClain.  In a battle of witty things to say, John McClain trumps B.A.’s “I pity the fool” with quotes from Tombstone.  The last thing Baracus hears before he passes is “I’m your huckleberry.”

8. “Dirty” Harry Callahan

Morning, fatso. Bressler wants to see you.  (not the quote you expected?)

Morning, fatso. Bressler wants to see you. (not the quote you expected?)

Strengths:  Anger and general disdain for humanity. Snarl.  Love for guns.

Weaknesses: Anger becoming bitterness and uncontrollable range.  Maybe just a wee bit obsessive?  Don’t tell him I said that. (No seriously, please don’t tell him I said that)

Outcome:  Harry never really got into the spirit of the challenge.  No one can tell him what to do.  All he wants to do is lock up punks.  He notices some guys robbing a convenience store near Dirty Harry’s location.  Harry is sucked into the trap and takes out each one of the punks with his Smith and Wesson.  He never notices that Jack Bauer is one of the hostages.  It’s all over for Harry.

7.  John McClain

If it were a glass walking competition, he would have done better.

If it were a glass walking competition, he would have done better.

Strengths:  Ability to withstand large amounts of pain.  Sacrifice his body for the greater good.  Intensity balanced with lighthearted look at life.

Weaknesses: Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Relies too much on luck

Outcome:  While he is certainly the people’s choice, there should be little doubt that he lacks the skill and training to take on the higher level secret agents.  After taking out B.A. Baracus, McClain unfortunately found himself on a plane hijacked by terrorists.  After foiling their plot he gets Seattle only to stumble upon another terrorist plot to poison the world’s Starbucks supply.  After successfully putting down the second plot, he runs into Casey Ryback.  Ryback could have shot him at any time during the previous 24 hours, but for reasons known only to him, he chooses to battle McClain in fisticuffs.  In a long drawn out battle, McClain goes down in what history will soon call the most over the top death scene ever.

6.  Casey Ryback

You want fries with that?

You want fries with that?

Strengths: Martial arts skills.  Creative ways of killing people.  Cooking.

Weaknesses:  Hmm, shall we say that he is a little hefty?

Outcome:  Greatly fatigued by his altercation with John McClain.  Ryback stops for a snack.  Large meat lovers pizza and a diet coke.  Finishing that and just as he is about to order his main course, he is confronted by a man with a gun who appears to be Tom Cruise.  However, before he pulls the trigger, the assailant says, “I want you to know who got you.”  He rips off the mask and it is Ethan Hunt.  As he fires, Ryback says something that no one, I mean no one in the pizza place could understand.  Hunt gives that swarmy, creepy smirk that used to be charming and is now just weird.

5.  Ethan Hunt

The plot of the sequels will self-destruct in 10 seconds.

The plot of the sequels will self-destruct in 10 seconds.

Strengths:  Those creepy, look like someone else masks.  (I know what you may be thinking. That is unreasonable technology. Maybe, but it is not on the level of say the GI Joe movie and is really not that much of an advantage.  I mean, really, what’s the difference between a piece of bubble gum that becomes a bomb and a regular bomb or a mask that makes you look like a senator and like a ski mask?)  Good looks.  Death-defying stunts. Wide range of abilities to kill you including fisticuffs and all kinds of weapons.

Weaknesses:  Something in his personality that makes people close to him want to betray him.  His inability to notice that he is being betrayed.

Outcome:  In the battle of Napoleon complexes, Ethan Hunt and Jack Bauer are obsessed with each other.  Both are quite short-tempered and have little patience for each other.  However, it is Hunt’s giant ego that gets the best of him.  As part of his spy cover, he adopts the persona of an actor, goes on a talk show and jumps up and down on a couch like a buffoon.  Seizing this opportunity, Bauer hides in Hunt’s dressing room and captures him.  He tortures him for a while to get information out of him.  Bauer doesn’t need any information from him, but tortures him just the same.

4.  John Rambo

They drew first blood.

They drew first blood.

Strengths: Knowledge of weapons.  Knowledge of like huge weapons.  Access to steroids and HGH.

Weaknesses: Lack of finesse.  Intelligence. Vocabulary. 

Outcome:  After destroying an entire Afghan village for no particular reason, he sets up an arsenal in the ruins that would make him the 5th most well-equipped army in the entire world.  Taking a break from surrounding his village with land mines, he shoots himself up again with steroids.  This sets him on a steroid rage tantrum that distracts him from what comes next.  Bond air drops from a low flying plane.  He chooses a parachute that doesn’t work on purpose just to make it interesting.  He makes a parachute out of his shirt in part to save his life and in part so he can show off his abs.  He eliminates Rambo as he is putting his head through a concrete wall.

3.  Jack Bauer

The only reason you're conscious is because I don't want to carry you

The only reason you're conscious is because I don't want to carry you

Strengths: Chloe O’Brian’s technical knowledge.  The ability to extract any information from anyone anytime.  A complete disregard for the rules.

Weaknesses:  Is captured an inexplicable number of times.  Gets attached to people he barely knows which causes him to surrender way too much.

Outcome:  In what can only be considered a breaking of the rules, Bauer has Chloe O’Brian using NSA satellites to track each of the other 9 guys.  She is, of course, unable to find or track Jason Bourne, even though on occasion he is sitting in the cubicle next to her.  This allows Jack to survive multiple attempts to take him out.  However, the now late Ethan Hunt had alerted the Chinese government as to Bauer’s whereabouts.  They have Bauer surrounded at a local bus station.  He is going to fight his way out until he discovers that the Chinese agents have kidnapped a young boy that he had met for five minutes that morning at a coffee shop.  Jack then immediately surrenders.  The Chinese government take him back to China where we can only presume he is dead—for the 15th time, a number heretofore only seen amongst villains on daytime soap operas.

2.  James Bond (Daniel Craig version)

No way I am putting a pict of his abs here.

No way I am putting a pict of his abs here.

Strengths:  Handsome.  Buff.  Abs that make every man that watches him cry.  Mad spy skillz.  Sweet vehicles and gadgets.

Weaknesses:  A little too concerned with being handsome, buff and having abs that make every man that watches him cry.  Much too public profile.

Outcome:  At one point, Bond captures Bauer, because, you know, why not?  Rather than eliminating him, he wants to see what it’s like on the other side.  He starts monologging and telling Bauer about his sinister plan to take him out and Bourne.  He then leaves the room and Bauer escapes and kills all of Bond’s henchmen.  Frustrated with himself, he goes to the casino and has a drink (you know what he has).  Bourne, wanting this to end with a bang, poisons his drink while simultaneously shooting him and blowing up the casino.

1. Jason Bourne

Don't blink.  You'll be dead.

Don't blink. You'll be dead.

Strengths:  Having minimal long term memories gives him few attachments.  Has all the super spy skills—driving, shooting, fighting, breaking into places, being awesome, super stealthy.  Cold, calculated, smart.

Weaknesses: He did have a moment of conscience, but he got shot and dumped in the ocean (I think he learned his lesson).  Quite obsessed with finding answers to his past.

Outcome:  He at one point had every other contestant in his sniper sights except for MacGyver who went down too quickly.  He chose not to eliminate everyone himself instead choosing to observe everyone else’s tactics.  Also, just for fun he does the whole competition left handed and speaks only Mandarin Chinese.


6 Responses to “Best Action Heroes in a Battle Royal”
  1. Shane says:

    great list. think I did pretty good. I got six on the list, and 1 you refused to include because he’s too aswesome….

  2. Carolyn Loften says:

    Great read

  3. Tammy Buck says:

    I was glad to see that MacGyver made the top ten, that’s where our son got his name.

  4. bradliscious says:

    hate to break it to you, but screech’s robot (kevin) could take them all out.

    or it that for another list? greatest robot action heroes ever?

  5. El Davo says:

    Fantastic. This is the best literature I’ve read all year.

  6. Camila Perry says:

    i love watching GI Joe, both the cartoon series and the movie. I am hoping that they would make a sequel. *

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