It’s Not You, It’s Me

There was a time in my life when I believed that every boss that I had was terrible.  One boss might be too passive.  Another might be too aggressive.  They were all less qualified than me to lead.  I often found myself wondering why I wasn’t the leader.  These guys were not good leaders.  I, on the other hand, was a great leader, and I couldn’t understand why I was always getting stuck with sub-par leaders.

It wasn’t that these guys were all the same kind of leaders.  They were very different in their personalities, leadership styles, ages, well, everything.  The one characteristic that they had in common was that they weren’t very good leaders.  I didn’t feel like that they respected me enough and were not being the kind of leader that I needed.

Then it dawned on me one day.  There is one primary factor that all of these relationships had in common that I had not really considered.  That common factor was me.  They were all different with different personalities and approaches, but I was the one constant.  Then it hit me.  What if the reason why these work relationship weren’t great wasn’t their fault at all?  What if it were me?

That seems rather obvious in hindsight.  Of course it was me.  I was selfish, prideful and immature.  It was impossible to lead me well, because I was a terrible follower.  My pride prevented me from being led.  Great men tried a lot of different ways to lead me, but no matter what they tried, I was critical and prideful.  I thought that I had it all together and they didn’t, when the reality was the exact opposite.

But what is obvious in hindsight, I was incredibly blinded to at the time.  I couldn’t see outside myself.  I was unwilling and unable to see what I was doing to make this a problem.  My eyes could only see the faults in other people and I couldn’t see the glaring faults that I had.  Hmm, there’s a verse about that somewhere:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:3-5

I couldn’t see them clearly because of the giant log in my own eye, but I couldn’t see or comprehend that there was a giant log in my own eye.  My thinking had gotten so crazy that I began to believe that there was some conspiracy against me, either created by God or people.  I didn’t know which.  I went to crazy lengths to justify and explain why it seemed everyone around me was wrong and I was right.

Sound familiar? I know that you don’t want it to sound familiar, but it is.  We find ourselves in situations where we believe that a large group of people are against us or failing us in some way.  We have our own conspiracy theories.  Why do I only attract jerks in dating relationships?  Why do none of my kids listen to me?  Why are all my friends so mean to me?  Why is everyone I know an idiot?  You begin to view yourself as a victim, the only sane person in a crazy world.

However, the common denominator in all your dysfunctional relationships is you.  That may sound overly harsh, but it is true.  If you always are attracting the wrong kind of person in dating relationships, there is something wrong with your sensors.  If none of your kids are listening, there’s a problem with your approach to your kids.

The last diagnosis (that it’s my fault) that we will consider in why our relationships aren’t going well needs to become our first.  What can I do differently?  Maybe I am the one who is unhealthy and needs to make some changes.  While I strongly encourage you to share this post on social media, please don’t tag anyone else.  Resist the urge to think about how someone that you love needs to read this so that they will change, but consider instead that this is for you.

So what do you need to do?  The primary action item for you is to get right with God spiritually.  Make sure that the most important relationship in your life is healthy.  When that relationship is healthy, we have the energy that we need to work on the other relationships in our lives.  When it isn’t healthy, we become demanding and prideful and began to ask more from other people than we are willing and able to give ourselves.

Then when that relationship is solid, ask God to help you become emotionally healthy.  Ask him to heal the hurts that you have and to make you whole again.  What he will do is heal you and then point out for you the areas in which you need to grow and develop.

You’ll then be pleasantly surprised how your attitude about the broken relationships in your life change and the energy that you have to love and serve people around you.  God will heal those relationships in your life, because you humbly allowed him to heal you first.  That begins with a humble admission that, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

One of the Best Decisions I Ever Made–I Asked for Help

I was 23 years old and had been married for a little bit over a year.  Our first year of marriage had not gone well.  My first year as a college minister had not gone well.  I was not doing well.  I was neck deep in some private sin.  I was failing as a man.  It was one of the scariest seasons of my life.  I was scared and failing, and I wasn’t sure how to get out.  Everything was new.  I had never been married before, and I had never had a full-time year round job before.  I was crumbling under the pressure.  I was supposed to be some great Christian and mentor to college students, and I wasn’t.  I had an awesome wife and she needed me to be more and better than what I was.  I’m getting a huge knot in my stomach right now just recalling this time in my life.

Have you been there?  Have you ever had a truly low point in your life where you felt like you were failing in all or most facets of your life?  Most of us have.  If you haven’t, I don’t want to jinx it, but…  What are you supposed to do in this situation?  We live in a world that is struggling.  We live in a world where people are having a hard time making families work.  Marriages are falling apart.  They have fallen apart so badly that more and more people have given up even on the idea of marriage.  People are struggling to raise healthy, confident kids.  We are not even sure what that phrase means any more.  The world is looking for answers everywhere.  They are looking everywhere except in God’s Word and from Christians.

Why is this the case?  It is because we have failed to provide the world an example of what a healthy growing family can look like when it commits itself to God’s plan and design for families.  Our divorce rate is as high or higher than the country as a whole.  Our kids struggle with their identity as much or more than any other kids.  We sit back and criticize that “the world is falling apart.”  However, we fail to realize that the world is falling apart in large part because we have failed to be the light that God has called us to be as his church.  They are failing because we as God’s people have failed in being who we are called to be.

Why is this the case? Because we have failed as individuals and as families to get the help we need when we are struggling.  We have decided that faking it and pretending to be doing fine when we aren’t is preferable to being honest.  We choose to be fake with each other because we care more about people thinking that we are doing well, then we care about actually doing well. Then, on the rare occasions that someone finally decides to break down and admit that they need help, we far too often choose to rebuke them for needing the help in the first place.  We individually and collectively need to make a decision to be different.

Back to the flashback.  I was at the lowest point in my life to that point.  I was failing in almost every way that a man could be failing.  My wife and I had just joined a new small group.  In this group was a couple that was just a few years older than we were.  They had just had their first child, a beautiful baby girl.  As we were getting to know them, I began to really like him.  He seemed to be the kind of husband, dad and man that I wanted to be.  Then I made one of the best decisions of my life.  I asked Stuart out to lunch.

At that lunch, I just put it all out there.  I told him all the ways that I was struggling.  I can only imagine how overwhelmed he must have been in that moment.  I asked him for help.  I asked if we could meet, talk, anything.  I needed help in being a better man.  Thankfully, he agreed.  We decided that we were going to have lunch together every week.  We would ask each other some accountability questions and just talk about how we were doing with our wives and in our work and our personal lives.  Thus began my relationship with the best friend that I have ever had.

Over the last 20 years, at every major step in my life, in every up and especially the downs, Stuart has been right there beside me.  He has helped me and sometimes carried me through some of the scariest moments in my life.  If I am anything, if I am a good husband, good dad or good pastor, it is in large part, because of the friendship and faithfulness of Stuart.  I am, literally, eternally grateful for him.

I may not be great at a lot of things, but one thing that I have done well is I have asked for help when I need it.  Life is too hard for me to try it alone.  I need help.  I need someone who has been where I am to point me the right way.  I need people to help me get out of a hole when I can’t do it alone.  I need someone to pray with me and for me.  I need friends.  I need help.  One of the best decisions in my life was on a random Wednesday night when I asked someone I barely know to lunch and then the next day, just simply asked him for help.

What about you?  How are you doing? Really.  If you’re not doing well, does someone know it?  If you need help, have you asked anyone for help?  God has given us each other and His Spirit.  Don’t go it alone.  Get help.

What Does the Rise of Donald Trump Say About Us?

If you watched the early seasons of The Apprentice, then you saw some amazing television.  It was during the prime of the reality TV show competitions and “The Donald” was hilarious.  The attitude, the hair, the one-liners.  He was a character made for reality TV.  It ran its course after a few years and switched to “Celebrity” Apprentice (I think we are ultimately going to have to redefine that word) and Heiid and I lost interest.  I’m stunned it was still on this year, but he is a great TV character.  But Troy, Bill, Omarosa that was some good TV.

So, a few years ago when The Donald started inserting himself into politics, I knew it was going to be good TV at a minimum.  Then, he did it.  He decided to run for president.  I follow politics closely, and guard my personal politics just as closely.  I knew this was going to be interesting.  He would cause a storm and have some great one-liners.  He would get the publicity that he wanted, have a good time and then the “regular” political race would continue.

But then something happened, he became the front-runner…by a lot…in an overwhelming large pool of candidates.  He was/is getting 25% of the Republican primary in a crowded field of 17 candidates.  This makes a brother stop and wonder, how does such a thing happen? What does this say about us and the current state of American politics?

Disclaimers: If you are planning on voting for him, you will probably think I’m slamming him.   If you think he is a big jerk, you will probably think I’m justifying him.  If both groups are a little upset, then I have set the right tone for this.  Also, for the purpose of this piece, his particular politics are irrelevant.  If he had come out as the polar opposite on the issue of immigration, I am coming to believe that the result would have been the same.  The haters would love. The lovers would hate.  Because his personality and approach to the political stage are tapping something inside of us and are the natural result of where our political culture and culture as a whole has been heading.  Final disclaimer: I am not telling you to vote or not vote for him.  I do not believe that is my place or my particular calling to do that.  My thoughts on that are pretty well-documented.  Click on the politics tag at the bottom and read for yourself, if you’d like.

1. He says what he actually thinks. There is something particularly refreshing about someone who just tells you what he thinks in easy to understand language.  For years politicians have talked in a way to make what they say seem vague enough to send the right message to supporters but confuse other people.  They also give themselves the wiggle room they need to get out of something that they said if it turns out to be unpopular later.  They intentionally obfuscate in order to be able to say later, “You may have thought that’s what I said, but what I meant was…” They can put any number of things at the end of that sentence depending what is expedient.  All sides of the spectrum have grown weary of that and are looking for someone who will just “shoot straight” with them.  If The Donald is anything, he is clear.  This leads to the next one.

2. The end of respectful disagreements is almost dead if not already dead. When is the last time you heard someone in politics or in much of anything say, “Allow me to respectfully disagree,” “I see your point but please allow me to explain why I see it differently,” “Can we agree to disagree?”  Nope, that’s not what you are going to hear.  Instead we get, “Allow me now to show you what an idiot you are,” “I could see your point if I were an idiot, but I’m not so…” “Can we agree that you are an idiot?”  Our thinking has become so polarized that we can no longer believe that there are good-hearted intelligent people who see things differently than me.  Don’t believe me? Check your Facebook wall or any cable news network, not just the one that THEY like, the one you like too.  In a world where people who disagree with me are immoral or stupid, we become attracted to someone who will just “tell it like it is.”  I think they are idiots and I want someone who will say that they are idiots.  Which leads to the third.

3. He is unapologetic. We have decided that we are sick of people who back down when they are pushed.  Say what you mean, say it strong and don’t say your sorry.  The Donald has no problem saying what he thinks, saying it strongly and not backing down if someone is offended.  Whether he is referencing POW’s, female moderators of debates or simply people who disagree with him, he will not back down or apologize.  He has said that he has never sought God’s forgiveness.  If that’s the case, I wouldn’t think that Megyn Kelly or Jorge Ramos should be waiting by the phone.  We have been building toward this for a while as well.  George W. Bush multiple times during his presidency said that he couldn’t think of any mistakes that he had made.  President Obama followed that up by saying his greatest mistake was not doing a good enough job telling people in the right way that what he was doing was right.

We take arrogance and call it strength.  “Well if you admit that you did something wrong, THEY will make an ad slamming you, so you can’t.”  I get it and this is where we are then.  We decide that if THEY won’t back down, WE won’t back down.  I’m not going to give THEM anything.  So humility and honesty are considered vices not virtues.  I want to be led by someone who makes mistakes, knows that and then fixes them.  I don’t want to be spun and told up is down and down is up.  However, that is where we are.  Until that changes, we can expect our candidates to only get more brash and arrogant.  While some of that isn’t all bad, it certainly isn’t all good either.

Bonus:

4. He is giving political speeches in a suit and a baseball cap. Who doesn’t love that?

5. He’s a celebrity. I believe we are just a few years away from exclusively electing celebrities as president.  No further comment here.  A celebrity culture rant may come later.  I’ll just leave you with this.  President Kanye West.

Well, But It’s True!

The title of this post is one of my least favorite expressions that gets uttered at the Loften home. (Is “utter” an upgrade over the more common and accurate word “said?”  You bet it is!  Why?  I don’t know.)  Here is the context:  someone says something ugly to someone else.  Dad confronts the ugly-talker.  The response, “Well, but it’s true.”

99 times out of 100 (yes it probably has happened that often.  Not really…maybe…we’ll say 24 out of 25) the rebuke-worthy statement is true.  “Just because something is true, doesn’t mean it should be said,”  says the dad channelling TV sitcom dads.  Depending on the person you are saying this to, dad can get a look that suggests that their brain has just shut down (in the same way it would freeze your calculator when you would divide by zero.  Nothing to do but hit the AC button.  The C button simply can’t fix this problem.).

“Truth-tellers” is my name for these people.  Some like to call them people with the spiritual gift of prophecy or exhortation.

Question: When did not having any tact become a spiritual gift?

Let’s chase that rabbit.  Prophets did speak unpleasant truths.  However, it was at God’s direction, not at their own discretion.  Exhortation is encouraging someone to take right action.  If your words crush someone’s soul and demoralize them, then you have done something, but you have not exhorted anyone.  Let’s call it the gift of “getting something off your chest but framing it in a spiritual context, so if it has a bad result we can blame God or our nature.”

(Rabbit on the ropes now)  You can identify a spiritual gift not by whether or not the person “does it” or even “enjoys it.”  It is identified by whether or not the proper response or effect happens (Nerd).  You can be a teacher and enjoy teaching.  However, you can only have the gift if there is, in fact, learning going on.  There are lots of people out there claiming to be gifted teachers, but no one seems to have the corresponding gift of listening to them.  There are also lots of “leaders” hanging out by themselves.  There are also a lot of exhorters walking through a pile of bodies they have kicked to the curb.

(Good-bye rabbit)

The question is does everything that you think that is true need to be said? If so, does context matter?  When will I say it? Will it be publicly, semi-privately or privately?  What tone will I use?

Even bigger, why would I say it?

BAD

“It needs to be said”

“I need to get it off my chest.”

“Somebody needs to take them down a notch.”

“It’ll make me feel better.”

“What do you mean reason? It’s true”

GOOD

“Because I believe saying it, in this way, at this time, in this place has a great chance of helping the person become better, and because I love them.”

There are a lot of pastors out there that don’t have a filter beyond, “is it true?” and there are plenty of (well-meaning?) friends and family member that lack that filter as well.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

There are things that are true that aren’t pure or lovely or admirable.  Let’s dwell and think and say those things that are all of these.

Micromanaging: Planning to Fail

It would be well documented that I am not a micro-manager, if I were capable of documenting well.  I would love to suggest to you that this is because I don’t have any control issues.  However, this is not the case.   I do want things done my way.  I’m just not concerned about the how, but more about the results.  I am incapable of regular-managing myself, how would I even begin to micro-manage someone else.  I say all of this to say that is easy for me to blog about the dangers of micro-managing, because I couldn’t do it even if it were virtuous to do so.

I do on the other hand struggle with control when it comes to the big picture.  I want the results to be what I think they should be.  In a sense, I don’t care how you get there, as long as you get right where I want you to get.  Is that macro-managing?  I am not suggesting that this is better or more noble.  It just is what it is. (Is that a helpful phrase? I think not.  Also not helpful, “at the end of the day.”  Stop saying that.)  In fact, I believe that all kinds of control issues are counter-productive for leaders. Leaders have to be able to trust other people to lead.

God has called leaders to prepare or equip other believers for works of service. (Ephesians 4:11-16) This is how the body of Christ will be built up and be strong.  Leaders don’t do the works of service for them.  Leaders don’t tell them exactly how to do it, which is just another way of doing it yourself.  Leaders don’t have minions who do their bidding.  Leaders point the way, prepare the person, and release them to do it.

“But Cloften, what about excellence?  What if they don’t do it right?  What if it’s bad?  What if they fail?  If they fail, I fail.”  I understand, there is a chance, that if you release leadership over a project or ministry to someone else, they may fail.  Keyword: may.  For your consideration: if your job is to prepare people to serve, if your job is to equip people, but instead you micro-manage a minion and/or do it yourself, you have failed.  Keyword: have.

To micromanage someone is to plan to fail.  You have a couple of choices.  You can definitely fail as a leader by doing everything yourself, micro-managing and exhausting your people.  Or you can run the risk of an event or ministry not going as well as it could or maybe “fail.”  Is it failing though?  If you help a leader and train that leader, give the leader experience, trust them, watch them execute and then help them evaluate it afterwards, is it even possible to fail?  Haven’t you already won?  Isn’t developing and leading people the big idea of Christian leadership?

Wait, did you think it was about surrounding yourself with people that you could boss around who would ultimately make you look good?  Sorry, my bad.  Yeah, that’s not it.

Knowing Who You Are Not

So yesterday, the staff of Fellowship Cabot got away for a day and did some planning.  The process at Fellowship is planning in the spring for a ministry year that runs with the school year (sort of) from July to June.  During this time, we talked about things that went well the last 12 months, things we could improve upon and then began to look ahead to next year.  We did this for about 8 hours.

I am going to let you in on a secret (which is really no secret if you know me at all).  I don’t really care for meetings.  I am not what you would call a “planner.”  So “planning” + “meeting” *8 hours = long day.  I love our staff.  I love our church, but the all day planning meeting is tough.

Here is the thing though, I called the meeting.  This was my idea.  I looked at our staff a couple of weeks ago, told them why we needed to do this.  We put it on the calendar and had the meeting yesterday.  This is my responsibility, and we did it.

However, I know that this is not my strength.  I know that.  Furthermore, not only do I know that, but I am also able to admit it…out loud…to my staff…and to the world (and by world, of course, I mean the 8 people who read this).  I have no problem at all admiting to you that this is a weakness.  I do not want to pretend otherwise.  What good do I do myself or the church if I pretend that I am the total package?  The answer is none.  In fact, I can do a lot of harm.  Important things will not get done and if done, will not get done well.

So what do I do?  The first step is admiting the weakness.  Then I look to surround myself with other leaders who are good at the thing with which I struggle.  Then I let them lead me.  Milk-a-what?  That’s right I have people that are technically my staff, where I am “the boss” and I let them lead me.   Scott Monnahan is far and away a better organizational leader.  You should have seen the color coded charts.  You should have seen the pieces of paper that he had taped all over the room.  It was beautiful.  You could have given me a month and limitless resources and maybe I could have done what he did.  He did it out of his back pocket.  Why would I not let him lead out during the detailed portions of our day yesterday?

I tell you why not, because I am an insecure leader who is intimidated by other people’s strengths and feel the need to pretend to the world that I am excellent at everything.  News flash: I am not excellent at everything.  News flash:  neither are you.

Know who you are.  Know who you are not.  Surround yourself with great leaders who are better than you.  Then watch your team conquer all the challenges that are put before you.  If you’re lucky, you might even get to see something as cool as this:

I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me

So our Worship Pastor, Jason Merrick, AKA Dr. Worship, and I are having lunch at Quiznos yesterday.  (I call him Dr. Worship, because he leads worship at our church and is by profession a medical doctor).  Anywho, we are sitting there and “Somebody’s Watching Me” comes on, and of course, I stopped talking.  I had to take a moment.  So, I offer Merrick 2 points to name the artist.  How many points you get is based on difficulty.  I offer you the same points.  (Points can be redeemed for discounted blog posts on cloften.com)

That song at Quiznos reminded me of one of my favorite stories that happend to Merrick and I at Quiznos.  I have told this story before in sermons, so I apologize to those that have heard this.  (However, one of  the benefits of cloften.com for me is that it becomes a repository for my favorite stories).

Merrick and I eat there almost every Thursday.  Whoever gets there first gets in line and orders the sandwiches.  (That’s right we eat at the same place every week and order the same sandwiches every week.  You have a problem with that?)  Typically it’s me, what with him being a doctor and all.  This time he was there first and there was a line.  I go to stand next to him and after a minute the dude behind us starts getting angry.  I won’t say that he was yelling, but suffice to say it was loud enough for everyone in the small Quiznos to hear it.  “Oh I guess you guys just get in line wherever you want, huh?”  Merrick tries to explain to him that he was there first, we order together, etc.  “Whatever you want to call it, (obnoxious noise like a phhhhh)”  Just as Merrick was about to explain it to him a little more forcefully, Rufus there mumbles something else at us.  I look at him and apologize and have him get in front of us.  He shoots us a smug look and orders. 

If you don’t know this, Merrick and I are both high justice and quite competitive.  That was hard for both of us.  I leaned into Merrick and said, “The people that work here know that we eat here all the time and that we plan worship services here.  They are watching.”  We calm down, order, get our food and sit down.

The guy in front took his sandwich to go.  After he left, the manager comes over to us and thanks us for how we handled that.  She explained that he is a regular and he gives people trouble all the time.  She appreciated the grace and humility that we showed and thanked us again.  She walks away and I look at Merrick.  He says, “OK, you win.”

If you are a follower of Christ and people know it, know this–people are watching you.  People want to see if you live the same way you talk at church.  I always feel like somebody’s watching me, and they are.  Unlike Rockwell (there’s your 2 pt answer), it is not paranoid.  It is reality.

Stuff Christians Need to Stop Saying #9

You know sometimes there is a huge gap between the production of sequels.  It seems that for a while they are popping out with wreckless abandon every 12-18 months and then they stop.  Why is that?  One reason is that the last one was so terrible that you want people to get the bad taste out of their mouth (Rocky V).  Sometimes it’s because the actor gets too big for his britches (arrogant for those of you who live outside the southern U.S.) and thinks he has become “too big” for the role then the actor needs to cash a check for some reason and after waiting on the “perfect script” they make one and lay a giant rotten egg (Indiana Jones).

Sometimes the author just gets really busy and distracted.

Set up: You or someone you know is going through some tough times.  It seems to be overwhelming.

Response: Well, you know, the Bible says that God won’t give you more than you can handle.

Sometimes people will go even further than that.  People begin to take pride in the trials that they are going through.  “God must think a lot of me, otherwise he wouldn’t put all of this on me.  He thinks I can handle a lot.”

“Now wait a minute, Cloften.  I have bared with this series for most of my adult life, or a month I can’t remember which.  I haven’t always agreed with you, but this is too far.  I know that is in the Bible.”

Ok, here is your verse:

I Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

What does this passage say?  First of all, it is talking about temptation.  If you are tempted to sin, you will not be tempted in such a way that you will only be left with the option of sin.    If it speaks to anything, it speaks against a false view of “lesser of two evils” that says that we are put into situations where all we can do is sin.  There is no temptation to sin that is so great that you must choose sin.

Secondly, where does the way out come from?  The way out comes from God.  If the only ways you can overcome sin came from you, the verse wouldn’t make sense. I am tempted to sin beyond what I can handle all the time, noted by the fact of my persistent sin problem.  However, God always provides a way out.  Again, God always provides a way out.  Some face temptation in their lives and read this verse and believe that they can have confidence in themselves alone to overcome.  If that is true of you, then 1, you misunderstand your own personal history with overcoming sin and B, you haven’t read the rest of the verse.  We can have confidence in God, not us.

Even if you want to extend this passage beyond the temptation to sin (which is what Paul is talking about) and include the overwheming circumstances of life, it is only in God that we can find the way out.  Never have I met someone who took on a heavy burden and walked through it, that came out on the other side and said, “Wow I didn’t know that I could do that.”  They will tell a story about how God met them in their pain and how God brought others into their lives.

Overcoming the temptations and trials in your life is not about your perceived capacity to stand up against “what you can handle.”  It is about God filling, strengthening and leading humble broken people well beyond what they could handle on their own without God.

Jack of No Trades, Master of All

So I’m watching a little TLC the other day, and by watching I mean, I love my girls and I will stay in the room with them when they watch it because I love them.  (Side note, my family is hooked on TLC–the Duggar show, Cake Boss, Ultimate Cake Off, Hey Look Another Show About Cakes, People Crying for No Good Reason, I Think I Want to Buy a Wedding Dress.  The list goes on and on.) 

The long time show around here is What Not to Wear.  I have seen more episodes of this than I care to recount (Don’t judge me.  I love my family).  Clinton and Stacy the style experts are explaining what clothes would work best for this lady (that’s kind of like saying the Bewitched episode where Endora casts a spell on Darren and everything turns wacky.  There is your dated reference of the week.).  She then in her interview starts crying because she is mad that they think they know more about fashion than her.  Really?  You are mad that two paid professional style and fashion experts know more about fashion than you?  Similarly, I get really mad when those newscasters think they more about “what’s going on in the world” than me.

This got me thinking about a certain leadership style that some leaders can have.  They believe that leader means that you have to be the expert on everything.  Their idea always has to be the best.  They have to know the most about everything than everybody. 

We hired a new children’s pastor a couple of months ago.  He has been doing children’s ministry for years.  I have been a children’s minister for exactly zero years.  I have served in a kid’s ministry.  I have led a church that has kid’s ministry.  I have kids.  That’s it.  Who is the expert?  He is.  I don’t tell him what curriculum to use.  He tells me.  I don’t tell him the number of workers  he needs he tells me.  I provide vision, communicate values and I do everything I can to support him.  I don’t feel any pressure to know more about kid’s ministry than him, because I don’t.

I feel sorry for the leader that feels that they have to know everything and be an expert on everything.  I would imagine it is quite stressful.  How about you?  Do you empower the leaders around you?  Do you make them better? Or does you being the leader mean you are the best at everything, you know everything and “your people” exist to make “you” better?  “They” are just implementers of “your” ideas. 

It’s OK that Clinton and Stacy know more about fashion, that Buddy knows more about cakes, and the Duggars know more about having 19 kids, and it’s OK that the people you lead know more than you in their areas of expertise as well.