One of the Best Decisions I Ever Made–I Asked for Help

I was 23 years old and had been married for a little bit over a year.  Our first year of marriage had not gone well.  My first year as a college minister had not gone well.  I was not doing well.  I was neck deep in some private sin.  I was failing as a man.  It was one of the scariest seasons of my life.  I was scared and failing, and I wasn’t sure how to get out.  Everything was new.  I had never been married before, and I had never had a full-time year round job before.  I was crumbling under the pressure.  I was supposed to be some great Christian and mentor to college students, and I wasn’t.  I had an awesome wife and she needed me to be more and better than what I was.  I’m getting a huge knot in my stomach right now just recalling this time in my life.

Have you been there?  Have you ever had a truly low point in your life where you felt like you were failing in all or most facets of your life?  Most of us have.  If you haven’t, I don’t want to jinx it, but…  What are you supposed to do in this situation?  We live in a world that is struggling.  We live in a world where people are having a hard time making families work.  Marriages are falling apart.  They have fallen apart so badly that more and more people have given up even on the idea of marriage.  People are struggling to raise healthy, confident kids.  We are not even sure what that phrase means any more.  The world is looking for answers everywhere.  They are looking everywhere except in God’s Word and from Christians.

Why is this the case?  It is because we have failed to provide the world an example of what a healthy growing family can look like when it commits itself to God’s plan and design for families.  Our divorce rate is as high or higher than the country as a whole.  Our kids struggle with their identity as much or more than any other kids.  We sit back and criticize that “the world is falling apart.”  However, we fail to realize that the world is falling apart in large part because we have failed to be the light that God has called us to be as his church.  They are failing because we as God’s people have failed in being who we are called to be.

Why is this the case? Because we have failed as individuals and as families to get the help we need when we are struggling.  We have decided that faking it and pretending to be doing fine when we aren’t is preferable to being honest.  We choose to be fake with each other because we care more about people thinking that we are doing well, then we care about actually doing well. Then, on the rare occasions that someone finally decides to break down and admit that they need help, we far too often choose to rebuke them for needing the help in the first place.  We individually and collectively need to make a decision to be different.

Back to the flashback.  I was at the lowest point in my life to that point.  I was failing in almost every way that a man could be failing.  My wife and I had just joined a new small group.  In this group was a couple that was just a few years older than we were.  They had just had their first child, a beautiful baby girl.  As we were getting to know them, I began to really like him.  He seemed to be the kind of husband, dad and man that I wanted to be.  Then I made one of the best decisions of my life.  I asked Stuart out to lunch.

At that lunch, I just put it all out there.  I told him all the ways that I was struggling.  I can only imagine how overwhelmed he must have been in that moment.  I asked him for help.  I asked if we could meet, talk, anything.  I needed help in being a better man.  Thankfully, he agreed.  We decided that we were going to have lunch together every week.  We would ask each other some accountability questions and just talk about how we were doing with our wives and in our work and our personal lives.  Thus began my relationship with the best friend that I have ever had.

Over the last 20 years, at every major step in my life, in every up and especially the downs, Stuart has been right there beside me.  He has helped me and sometimes carried me through some of the scariest moments in my life.  If I am anything, if I am a good husband, good dad or good pastor, it is in large part, because of the friendship and faithfulness of Stuart.  I am, literally, eternally grateful for him.

I may not be great at a lot of things, but one thing that I have done well is I have asked for help when I need it.  Life is too hard for me to try it alone.  I need help.  I need someone who has been where I am to point me the right way.  I need people to help me get out of a hole when I can’t do it alone.  I need someone to pray with me and for me.  I need friends.  I need help.  One of the best decisions in my life was on a random Wednesday night when I asked someone I barely know to lunch and then the next day, just simply asked him for help.

What about you?  How are you doing? Really.  If you’re not doing well, does someone know it?  If you need help, have you asked anyone for help?  God has given us each other and His Spirit.  Don’t go it alone.  Get help.

Who Is Asking You Tough Questions?

I am about to go head to week 2 of a group of men, accidentally named Men of the North.  That was the title of an email I sent to all the men of the church, specifically directed to guys that work in the northern part of NWA.  You know, those fancy guys that work at Wal-Mart and J.B. Hunt.  If that is you, and somehow the invite has missed you, holla at me and I’ll get you the details.

The first week, devolved into a pretty good conversation about Pro Wrestling, sorry ‘rasslin.’  That’s what happens if you get a group of guys together, sports talk and insane ramblings.  We like it, that’s what we do.  Unless we go and do something, like play golf or go to a game for several hours.  Then, we don’t talk at all.  Then your wife asks, “What did you guys talk about?”  “Nothing.”  “What? You were together for 4 hours?”  “Yeah, and?”  Then she gives you the look.  I do not have to describe it.  You know the look.

Anyway, we don’t want this to be a group of guys that devolves into just talking about “fun stuff”  (Keyword: just)  We want to also be a group of men that are encouraging each other to be better.  We want to talk about the challenges that we face, problems we’re having and celebrating victories.  You know, something deeper than, “How was I supposed to take the American Dream Dusty Rhodes seriously when he was so fat?”

So here is the question.  Is there anyone in your life asking you tough questions?  Do you have anyone that you know, trust and love enough that they are helping you get better?  Or are you someone who is suffering and struggling alone, sinning in secret and hurting in private?

If so, find a group of people, or one close friend that can help you, someone who is not afraid to ask you tough questions and help you when you’re not doing well.  Tip:  Pick someone that you wouldn’t lie to.  You would lie to your spouse about struggling in some areas, you would lie to your boss in others.  Bonus Tip:  Pick someone, though, that you would be embarrassed a little to tell the truth to, not some buddy that would laugh along with you.  Pick someone that being around them makes you want to be better.

Then you will be a great team, like the Road Warriors or the Rock ‘n Roll Express.