Top 10 Loftens’ Most-Used Movie/TV Quotes

I made a run at something similar to this before, but I didn’t like it, not enough to delete it though.  Once it gets posted, it is written into the record.  Anywho, here is a better list, not that anyone cares.  I take that back, my brother will like this.  So this one’s for you, Brad-o.  (Friend him on FB if you like.  He’ll say yes to just about anyone, especially if you’re friends with me)

One of the defining characteristics of being a Loften is making pop culture references and quoting movies or TV shows in casual conversation.  It’s who we are.  It’s what we do.  I’m afraid, however, that we are in a season, where it has taken an ugly turn.  I try not to be judgmental, and I want to be a relatively cool dad.  However, we are starting to get a lot of random quotes around the house from various pre-teen Disney and Nick shows.  Lauren will say something, and I’ll say, “Where does that come from?”  Way too often the answer is Gibby.  Who is Gibby?  Some character from iCarly, which is the “best” of these shows, which is akin to saying “least annoying mosquito.”  Sometimes it’s Fred.  I can see these coming, because of the annoying voice that accompanies it.  If you don’t know who Fred is, I will do a public service by not telling you.

All that said, taking Gibby, Fred, and the cast of Tru Jackson, VP out of it, these are the best and most used references around the Loften home.

10. “Spongebob! This pencil is broken.” — Patrick Star from the TV show Spongebob Squarepants

This is my only shout-out to stuff that my kids watch, mostly (entirely) because this is the only show they watch worth watching.  Patrick is trying to write a poem and borrows pencil and paper from Spongebob.  Patrick is frustrated that the pencil doesn’t work, because it won’t write any words.  To which Spongebob replies that you have to think of the words yourself.  This is a new, but now common, thing to say around the house when you need a comedic break from your homework.  You take a deep sigh, hold up your pencil and declare that it is broken, because it will not write words.  Homework cannot continue until the Spongebob retort is given.

9. “Faboo” — Wakko Warner from the TV show Animaniacs

If you don’t know who the Animaniacs are, I feel bad for you.  Do you remember when cartoons were funny and clever?  Yeah, I know it’s hard, but try.  This was a show in that genre.  Funny for kids, smart and funny for adults.  It was around in the early to mid-90’s.  Pinky and the Brain were birthed out of that show.  Don’t know them either? Pity.  Wakko Warner was a character patterned somewhat after Harpo Marx (BOOM! uber-dated reference), except that Wakko would talk on occasion, with his own vernacular.  He often shortened words.  Faboo was short for fabulous.  That’s how we use it.  We use it so much that it doesn’t even feel like a pop culture reference anymore.  In fact, I may be the only that knows that it is and where it comes from.

8. “John Coctoasten”  –Fletch from the movie Fletch

Fletch is making up a name to try and convince someone that they knew each other from a while back.  He introduces himself as “John.”  “John, who?” “John Coc…toast..en” is what he replies mumbling, hoping she will make her own connection.  I have had to confess at various times that the Loftens are not very good at remembering people’s names.  (Please Grovers, do not assume that I know your name.  Especially if we met on a Sunday.  I don’t remember anything from Sunday morning.  It’s kind of a crazy day for me.)  So it is not unusual for Heidi and I to try and remember someone’s name.  “I think his name was Mike?  Uh, Mike De…Do…uh…”  To which the always helpful, sarcastic spouse (could be either of us) will reply “Coctoasten?”  Did this to someone not a Loften recently.  The awkward pause and stare made it all worth it.

7. “What’s ‘taters, Precious?” — Gollum from the movie Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers

Being from the South, taters is a common word.  It doesn’t feel like slang.  It’s just a much simpler way to say potatoes.  Isn’t two syllables always better than three?  Save energy, man!  Well apparently, Samwyse Gamgee was from the southern part of the Shire, because he says taters as well.  The Yankee, Gollum, not knowing this word responds with “What’s taters, Precious?”  Then Sam responds with, “Po-tay-toes.  Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew.”  Classic.  This must, must be said any time, anyone, anywhere says taters.  It’s not optional.  Sam’s response is optional, but strongly encouraged.

6. “Tie on the bed, throw the rope out the window” — Chico Marx from the movie Horse Feathers

Come on guys, everyone knows this quote right?  Right?  No one. Fine.  I am pretty sure no one else in our house has even seen this movie.  However, Marx Brothers movies are quite popular with Loften men.  They are hilarious and well-written, you know just like…basically nothing today (You kids get off my lawn!).  Chico and his brother are trapped in an apartment but they have a rope.  He tells his brother, Harpo to “tie on the bed, throw the rope out the window.”  He doesn’t understand.  Chico repeats this over and over.  Finally, Harpo takes his tie off, puts it on the bed and throws the unattached rope out the window.  See?  High comedy.  So this gets used when someone is giving overly complicated directions and someone else just isn’t understanding.  Someone, well, really just me, will scream “Tie on the bed, throw the rope out the window.”  Similarly…

5. “You stay here and make sure he doesn’t leave” — King of Swamp Castle from the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail

The king is trying to get two idiot guards to watch his son and keep him from leaving his room.  He repeats this over and over again.  The two guards just can’t get it.  It’s a hilarious scene.  Probably top 5 funniest scenes from any movie.  This line gets repeated at our house not when the directions are overly-complicated, but when they are incredibly simple, but just not being heard, understood or followed.  (I know what you must be thinking.  With 2 perfect angels in your house, when could that ever happen?  I know.  It’s rare, but it happens)  When someone, read Cloften, says this to his spouse, exasperation has hit its peak.  This is either met with much needed comedic relief or it turns the focus of frustration to the quoter.  It’s a great quote.  Very funny.  Use with caution.

4. “What about second breakfast?” — Merry from the movie The Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring

Lord of the Rings is the only entity that gets two entries.  It is from two different installments, but nonirregardless Lord of the Rings clearly is deep into Loften culture.  Our kids are notorious eaters, always have been.  They like food, all kinds of food, in significant quantities.  It is common for them to want to eat at 9 or 10 am, after they have already had breakfast.  Sometimes they will even say, “what’s for breakfast?”  “Haven’t you already had breakfast?”  This is where the Lord of the Rings quotes take over.  This is essentially the same situation Aragorn finds himself in with the Hobbits.  They reply, “We’ve had one breakfast, yes.  But what about second breakfast?”  Second breakfast is now part of our vocabulary.  We don’t have to have second breakfast every day, but it cannot be ignored, if the need arises.

3. “These pretzels are making me thirsty” — Cosmo Kramer from the TV show Seinfeld

Kramer is hired to have a bit part in a movie and this is his only line.  He practices saying it in front of the gang and everyone critiques it and says it their own way.  Now at the Loften house, if someone says something of the same cadence, for example, “This shirt is making me hot,” someone will, not may, will respond back with “these pretzels are making me thirsty.”  At that point, everyone has to repeat the phrase back with their own inflection.  Last, almost always, read always always, is Mom.  Sometimes she has to rebuked by one of her daughters, “(clearing throat loudly) Mom!”  “Oh, sorry.  These pretzels are making me thirsty.” Again, as with many of these quotes, our girls have never seen this on TV.  It doesn’t matter.  This is what we do.  They play along, no problem.  They love it.  I pity their therapist when they are older.

2. “Other options?” — William Wallace from the movie Braveheart

William Wallace has returned from York to discover that the English have invaded and sent a huge army.  He is trying to rally the nobles where they have this interchange. One of the nobles believes that the English are too many and it is time to consider other options.  To which Wallace replies, “Other options? Don’t you wish at least to lead your men onto the field and barter a better deal with Longshanks before you tuck tail and run?  You are not allowed to utter the words “other options” without doing it in Scottish accent.  Sometimes our Scottish accents devolve into British, Irish, Australian, Italian, Norwegian (?).  It’s the effort that matters here.  If you do forget to at least give the Scottish accent effort, someone must and will point it out.  You then correct yourself.  There are no exceptions.  None.

1. “You serious, Clark?” — Cousin Eddie from the movie Christmas Vacation

Clark Griswold is trying to get the kids excited about Christmas and gives a report that he heard that Santa’s sleigh has been spotted.  To which Cousin Eddie in all seriousness replies, “You serious, Clark?”  Let’s just agree right now, that Cousin Eddie is top 3 funniest minor characters in a movie comedy, ever.  I would just say number one, but I don’t want to just pop off like that. Hmmm. The Black Knight (Holy Grail) ?  Carl Spackler (Caddyshack)?  Nevermind.  The uses for this quote are abundant.  If someone says something serious, if someone says something ridiculous, if someone misspeaks and says something ridiculous, the list is almost endless.  Typically, Heidi or I will add, “Get yourself something, real nice.”  This is another quote from Eddie in another scene.  It is completely out of context, but sometimes you just feel compelled to go on an Eddie quoting streak.  “This here’s a quality item.  If you don’t mind me asking, what’d she set you back?” “She falls down a well, her eyes cross.  Kicked by a mule, they go back.” “Got the girl in the clinic getting cured off the wild turkey.”  “It’s the gift that keeps on giving.” CLOFTEN, wake up!

Sorry, I got into a Cousin Eddie-induced trance.