Top 10 Loftens’ Most-Used Movie/TV Quotes

I made a run at something similar to this before, but I didn’t like it, not enough to delete it though.  Once it gets posted, it is written into the record.  Anywho, here is a better list, not that anyone cares.  I take that back, my brother will like this.  So this one’s for you, Brad-o.  (Friend him on FB if you like.  He’ll say yes to just about anyone, especially if you’re friends with me)

One of the defining characteristics of being a Loften is making pop culture references and quoting movies or TV shows in casual conversation.  It’s who we are.  It’s what we do.  I’m afraid, however, that we are in a season, where it has taken an ugly turn.  I try not to be judgmental, and I want to be a relatively cool dad.  However, we are starting to get a lot of random quotes around the house from various pre-teen Disney and Nick shows.  Lauren will say something, and I’ll say, “Where does that come from?”  Way too often the answer is Gibby.  Who is Gibby?  Some character from iCarly, which is the “best” of these shows, which is akin to saying “least annoying mosquito.”  Sometimes it’s Fred.  I can see these coming, because of the annoying voice that accompanies it.  If you don’t know who Fred is, I will do a public service by not telling you.

All that said, taking Gibby, Fred, and the cast of Tru Jackson, VP out of it, these are the best and most used references around the Loften home.

10. “Spongebob! This pencil is broken.” — Patrick Star from the TV show Spongebob Squarepants

This is my only shout-out to stuff that my kids watch, mostly (entirely) because this is the only show they watch worth watching.  Patrick is trying to write a poem and borrows pencil and paper from Spongebob.  Patrick is frustrated that the pencil doesn’t work, because it won’t write any words.  To which Spongebob replies that you have to think of the words yourself.  This is a new, but now common, thing to say around the house when you need a comedic break from your homework.  You take a deep sigh, hold up your pencil and declare that it is broken, because it will not write words.  Homework cannot continue until the Spongebob retort is given.

9. “Faboo” — Wakko Warner from the TV show Animaniacs

If you don’t know who the Animaniacs are, I feel bad for you.  Do you remember when cartoons were funny and clever?  Yeah, I know it’s hard, but try.  This was a show in that genre.  Funny for kids, smart and funny for adults.  It was around in the early to mid-90’s.  Pinky and the Brain were birthed out of that show.  Don’t know them either? Pity.  Wakko Warner was a character patterned somewhat after Harpo Marx (BOOM! uber-dated reference), except that Wakko would talk on occasion, with his own vernacular.  He often shortened words.  Faboo was short for fabulous.  That’s how we use it.  We use it so much that it doesn’t even feel like a pop culture reference anymore.  In fact, I may be the only that knows that it is and where it comes from.

8. “John Coctoasten”  –Fletch from the movie Fletch

Fletch is making up a name to try and convince someone that they knew each other from a while back.  He introduces himself as “John.”  “John, who?” “John Coc…toast..en” is what he replies mumbling, hoping she will make her own connection.  I have had to confess at various times that the Loftens are not very good at remembering people’s names.  (Please Grovers, do not assume that I know your name.  Especially if we met on a Sunday.  I don’t remember anything from Sunday morning.  It’s kind of a crazy day for me.)  So it is not unusual for Heidi and I to try and remember someone’s name.  “I think his name was Mike?  Uh, Mike De…Do…uh…”  To which the always helpful, sarcastic spouse (could be either of us) will reply “Coctoasten?”  Did this to someone not a Loften recently.  The awkward pause and stare made it all worth it.

7. “What’s ‘taters, Precious?” — Gollum from the movie Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers

Being from the South, taters is a common word.  It doesn’t feel like slang.  It’s just a much simpler way to say potatoes.  Isn’t two syllables always better than three?  Save energy, man!  Well apparently, Samwyse Gamgee was from the southern part of the Shire, because he says taters as well.  The Yankee, Gollum, not knowing this word responds with “What’s taters, Precious?”  Then Sam responds with, “Po-tay-toes.  Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew.”  Classic.  This must, must be said any time, anyone, anywhere says taters.  It’s not optional.  Sam’s response is optional, but strongly encouraged.

6. “Tie on the bed, throw the rope out the window” — Chico Marx from the movie Horse Feathers

Come on guys, everyone knows this quote right?  Right?  No one. Fine.  I am pretty sure no one else in our house has even seen this movie.  However, Marx Brothers movies are quite popular with Loften men.  They are hilarious and well-written, you know just like…basically nothing today (You kids get off my lawn!).  Chico and his brother are trapped in an apartment but they have a rope.  He tells his brother, Harpo to “tie on the bed, throw the rope out the window.”  He doesn’t understand.  Chico repeats this over and over.  Finally, Harpo takes his tie off, puts it on the bed and throws the unattached rope out the window.  See?  High comedy.  So this gets used when someone is giving overly complicated directions and someone else just isn’t understanding.  Someone, well, really just me, will scream “Tie on the bed, throw the rope out the window.”  Similarly…

5. “You stay here and make sure he doesn’t leave” — King of Swamp Castle from the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail

The king is trying to get two idiot guards to watch his son and keep him from leaving his room.  He repeats this over and over again.  The two guards just can’t get it.  It’s a hilarious scene.  Probably top 5 funniest scenes from any movie.  This line gets repeated at our house not when the directions are overly-complicated, but when they are incredibly simple, but just not being heard, understood or followed.  (I know what you must be thinking.  With 2 perfect angels in your house, when could that ever happen?  I know.  It’s rare, but it happens)  When someone, read Cloften, says this to his spouse, exasperation has hit its peak.  This is either met with much needed comedic relief or it turns the focus of frustration to the quoter.  It’s a great quote.  Very funny.  Use with caution.

4. “What about second breakfast?” — Merry from the movie The Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring

Lord of the Rings is the only entity that gets two entries.  It is from two different installments, but nonirregardless Lord of the Rings clearly is deep into Loften culture.  Our kids are notorious eaters, always have been.  They like food, all kinds of food, in significant quantities.  It is common for them to want to eat at 9 or 10 am, after they have already had breakfast.  Sometimes they will even say, “what’s for breakfast?”  “Haven’t you already had breakfast?”  This is where the Lord of the Rings quotes take over.  This is essentially the same situation Aragorn finds himself in with the Hobbits.  They reply, “We’ve had one breakfast, yes.  But what about second breakfast?”  Second breakfast is now part of our vocabulary.  We don’t have to have second breakfast every day, but it cannot be ignored, if the need arises.

3. “These pretzels are making me thirsty” — Cosmo Kramer from the TV show Seinfeld

Kramer is hired to have a bit part in a movie and this is his only line.  He practices saying it in front of the gang and everyone critiques it and says it their own way.  Now at the Loften house, if someone says something of the same cadence, for example, “This shirt is making me hot,” someone will, not may, will respond back with “these pretzels are making me thirsty.”  At that point, everyone has to repeat the phrase back with their own inflection.  Last, almost always, read always always, is Mom.  Sometimes she has to rebuked by one of her daughters, “(clearing throat loudly) Mom!”  “Oh, sorry.  These pretzels are making me thirsty.” Again, as with many of these quotes, our girls have never seen this on TV.  It doesn’t matter.  This is what we do.  They play along, no problem.  They love it.  I pity their therapist when they are older.

2. “Other options?” — William Wallace from the movie Braveheart

William Wallace has returned from York to discover that the English have invaded and sent a huge army.  He is trying to rally the nobles where they have this interchange. One of the nobles believes that the English are too many and it is time to consider other options.  To which Wallace replies, “Other options? Don’t you wish at least to lead your men onto the field and barter a better deal with Longshanks before you tuck tail and run?  You are not allowed to utter the words “other options” without doing it in Scottish accent.  Sometimes our Scottish accents devolve into British, Irish, Australian, Italian, Norwegian (?).  It’s the effort that matters here.  If you do forget to at least give the Scottish accent effort, someone must and will point it out.  You then correct yourself.  There are no exceptions.  None.

1. “You serious, Clark?” — Cousin Eddie from the movie Christmas Vacation

Clark Griswold is trying to get the kids excited about Christmas and gives a report that he heard that Santa’s sleigh has been spotted.  To which Cousin Eddie in all seriousness replies, “You serious, Clark?”  Let’s just agree right now, that Cousin Eddie is top 3 funniest minor characters in a movie comedy, ever.  I would just say number one, but I don’t want to just pop off like that. Hmmm. The Black Knight (Holy Grail) ?  Carl Spackler (Caddyshack)?  Nevermind.  The uses for this quote are abundant.  If someone says something serious, if someone says something ridiculous, if someone misspeaks and says something ridiculous, the list is almost endless.  Typically, Heidi or I will add, “Get yourself something, real nice.”  This is another quote from Eddie in another scene.  It is completely out of context, but sometimes you just feel compelled to go on an Eddie quoting streak.  “This here’s a quality item.  If you don’t mind me asking, what’d she set you back?” “She falls down a well, her eyes cross.  Kicked by a mule, they go back.” “Got the girl in the clinic getting cured off the wild turkey.”  “It’s the gift that keeps on giving.” CLOFTEN, wake up!

Sorry, I got into a Cousin Eddie-induced trance.

Pop Culture References That Are Now Engrained in Loften Culture

I have said on various occasions that you could get a pretty funny 30 minute reality show out of what goes on at our house in a week.  Heidi would hate it.  Maylee would love it.  Lauren and I would take it our leave it.  We appreciate whatever audience we have to our insanity, be it just the family, her classroom, or the poor people at Fellowship who have to hear/see our routines frequently.

Anywho, I was struck the other day by the number of ridiculous references from pop culture that are now just a part of our collective vocabulary.  This will be an ongoing list of such things as they happen and/or I remember them, not a fixed list like some of the ranking lists I have put out in the past.

Second Breakfast from The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.  The full quote is

Pippin:What about breakfast?
Aragorn: You’ve already had it.
Pippin: We’ve had one, yes. What about second breakfast?

It is common for us on a day where somebody gets up early and someone else gets up later, for the early bird to eat once and then eat again when the family is up.  A phenomenon now known as Second Breakfast.  You must, of course, say the line, “We’ve had one, yes. What about second breakfast?” in your best British Hobbit accent.

“It’s your birthday. It’s your birthday. You’re the birthday boy or girl.” from the Simpsons 

In my college days, I will confess that I watched the Simpsons.  As most college students did/do, I found it hilarious.  However, at some point it became too much for me, as I was maturing and the show kept going wherever it was going.  Anywho, a handful of Simpsonisms still are a part of my vocabulary, with this being the biggest.  This is from an episode where they are celebrating one of the kid’s birthdays at some place that was supposed to be like Chuck E. Cheese.  The mechanical mouse is displayed and sings that line.  The Loften family tradition is now, on birthdays, to multiple times throughout the day to sing that line to each other.  Even though the girls have never seen one minute of one Simpsons episode, they do it as well.  The best was early on when the girls were younger and they would say, “Dad, I am not a boy or girl.  I am a girl.”

Two-face from Seinfeld.

This is from one of the most famous episodes of Seinfeld, the one with Festivus.  Jerry is dating someone who looks really good in certain light and terrible in others.  He refers to that as a two-face.  A common phenomenon, we believe, in celebrities/actresses.   So Heidi and I will be watching a movie or the Olympics or anything and one of us will say, “He/she is kind of a two-face.”  Yes, we do that.  We evaluate celebrities good looks together.  Is that weird?

Other options? (said in Scottish accent) from Braveheart

So the scene is William Wallace has returned from York to discover that the English have invaded and sent a huge army.  He is trying to rally the nobles where they have this interchange:

Craig: With such a force arrayed against us, it is time to discuss other
options.

William: Other options?  Don’t you wish at least to lead your men onto
the field and barter a better deal with Longshanks before you tuck
tail and run?

You are not allowed to utter the words other options without doing it in Scottish accent.  If you do forget, someone must and will point it out.  You then correct yourself.  There are no exceptions.  None.

John Coc…tos…ten from Fletch

From perhaps the most quotable movie of all time.  Fletch is trying to pretend that he knows a woman and introduces him to her as her husband’s friend, John.  “John, who?”  “John Coc…tos..ten”  He mumbles the name hoping it will sound like some name she recognizes.  So now around the house if someone asks you for someone’s name and you don’t know, then you mumble ala Fletch, “Sam…er.ta Li.bah.soe.gooz?”  A pastor and his wife, shouldn’t one of us be good at remembering names?

“These pretzels are making me thirsty” from Seinfeld

Kramer is hired to have a bit part in a movie and this is his only line.  He practices saying it in front of the gang and everyone critiques it and says it their own way.  Now at the Loften house, if someone says something of the same cadence, for example, “This shirt is making me hot,” someone will, not may, will respond back with “these pretzels are making me thirsty.”  At that point, everyone has to repeat the phrase back with their own inflection.  Last, almost always, is Mom.  Sometimes she has to rebuked by one of her daughters, “(clearing throat loudly) Mom!”  “Oh, sorry.  These pretzels are making me thirsty.” Again, as with much of this, our girls have never seen this.  They play along, no problem.  They love it.  I pity their therapist when they are older.

She Blinded Me with Science, by Thomas Dolby

There was a time when I got on Youtube with the girls and showed them the goofiest songs/videos that I could remember from the 80’s:  Down Under, Run Runaway, Safety Dance, Girls Just Want to Have Fun and She Blinded Me with Science.  Their two big takeaways were the guy swinging the giant log on Run Runaway and the song Blinded Me.  Now anytime someone says the word science, someone else will sing the line “she blinded me with science.”  Then someone else must make the beep, boop, beep sound.  (Optional, a third person shouting in a serious voice, “SCIENCE!”) If you are confused, go listen to the song.

PIV-OT! PIV-OT! from Friends

Heidi and I were both pretty big Friends fans back in the day.  I know that I am supposed to be embarassed by that, and I should refrain from mentioning that public.  Someday, when I’m respectable, I will.  Anywho, there is an episode where Ross has talked a couple of the others into moving a couch.  The couch is way too big and they trying to take it up a winding staircase.  The whole time he is shouting, “Pivot, pivot” in one of the most annoying voices ever.  Of all of these on this list, this one is Heidi’s.  First of all because that’s her sense of humor.  Second, because she is always making me move furniture.  So, of course, we are holding a couch, chair, table, etc. and she is shouting, “PIVOT!”  Isn’t good that we found each other?

Top Pop Culture Icons and Characters on 24

A couple of things before the list. First, this is coming from someone who just started watching 24 in the last year. Therefore, some of the people on the list were nobodies at the time and became well-known after. For me, the reverse was true. Second, this is not a list of the best characters. If that were the case, Chloe would be near the top and Kim Bauer would be at the bottom, maybe just ahead of some of her equally ridiculous boyfriends. This is a list of best actors/actresses to appear on the show because of their pop culture coolness. (According to IMDB Bubba from Forrest Gump will be on the show this season, so the rankings will definitely change)

Not on the list, Kevin Dillon (maybe if I were a fan of Entourage, I would put him on), Janeane Garofalo (classic c-lister with no big anything) Peter MacNicol (that dude from Ally McBeal). Also this is a top 11 list.  Why?  You’ll see.

11. The Allstate guy (Dennis Haysbert) as President David Palmer, Day 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.

Some of you might think of him as that dude from The Unit, but I’ve never watched that show. To this day when those Allstate commercials come on, my girls get a little freaked out. I think his voice intimidates them. As someone who gets called “ma’am” at the drive-thru, I understand their point.

10. Charlene from Designing Women (Jean Smart) Day 5 and 6

I don’t want to say too much here or my man card could be revoked. Can I just say my mom made me watch it growing up? No matter what she plays, won’t she always be that woman from Designing Women? Oh cool, look Charlene married the president. That’s a long way from Atlanta. Wait no, I didn’t remember Atlanta on my own. Wait no, give that card back!

9. Darlene from Roseanne (Sara Gilbert) as Paula Schaeffer, Day 2

Though all grown up now, she is still the obnoxious kid from Roseanne and always will be. I kept wanting her to be sassier on the show, thinking “hey, who tamed Darlene?” You want to know why I will never be allowed to direct/produce a show? Because I think they should have had one short scene where she is on the phone talking to her mom about the crisis and you cut to Roseanne Barr. I would do stuff like that all the time.

8. Jin from Lost (Daniel Dae Kim) as Tom Baker, Day 2 and 3.

So I’m watching Agent Baker and I’m thinking, “Man, Jin has gotten a lot better with his English, no accent.” Also, I’m thinking that he is destined to be like the guy who goes down to the planet with Kirk and Spock and he is toast. However, he made a solid 11 episode, 2 season run. Way to go, Jin.

7. Howard Payne from Speed and Shooter from Hoosiers (Dennis Hopper) as Victor Drazen, Day 1.

I don’t know where to put Dennis Hopper on this list. Those two pop culture characters are good, not great. The bigger question: How does a guy like that end up doing a small role on what at the time was a new show that may not have even made a full season? Was he friends with Kiefer? the producer? Did he lose a bet? Does he just like cashing checks? He did phone his performance in with his over the top acting and unbelievable accent. He was forgettable to the point that I had the list put together and double-checked IMDB to see if I had forgotten anyone, and I had.  Couldn’t leave him out though.  I’m rambling now.

6. Jon Voight owner of 1983 LeBaron Convertible (Jon Voight) as Jonas Hodges, Day 7.

John Voight has been an actor for almost 50 years. He has won an Academy Award and been nominated multiple times. So, what is he most know for in my mind? Biting Kramer on Seinfeld and not exactly being the owner to George’s car. I’m sure the star of Midnight Cowboy, Deliverance, Coming Home, Runaway Train and Ali would be glad to know this. Second in my mind is Patrick Gates in the National Treasure movies. (BTW, it is mandatory at my house to sing, “I’m just driving around in Jon Voight’s car,” when you see him. Mandatory.)

5. Curly Bill from Tombstone (Powers Booth) as Vice President Noah Daniels, Day 6.

I would like to know what information Olivia Taylor had on Curly Bill, because he should have won election in a landslide. Please, don’t take this as sexist, but in a string of mediocre presidents that 24’s America elects, she might be the worst. (Well except, of course, for the one that was convicted of treason) Nothing else to say, except, “Well. . . bye.”

4. Arthur Hoggett from Babe (James Cromwell) as Phillip Bauer, Day 6.

Would it have killed them for during one of the father/son moments between Jack and his dad for him to say, “That’ll do Jack. That’ll do”? Would it have? Come on. Another example of why you cannot put me in charge of your TV show. Does anyone else have a hard time imagining him as sinister? He has been in a lot of stuff, but he can never be sinister. He’s Arthur Hoggett for goodness sake.

3. Ricky Stratton from Silver Spoons (Rick(y) Schroder) as Mike Doyle, Day 6.

“Silver spoons togetherrrrrrr. You and I.” You can drop the y from your first name, you can be on NYPD, you can do whatever you want. You are the kid from Silver Spoons hacking into the government computer with Arnold Jackson. That’s it. That’s who you are. You can drop the k next if you would like. It’s not gonna work. Seriously, isn’t he trying to hard being the over-the-top tough guy? Shave the facial hair, call Carlton from Fresh Prince and let’s make the Silver Spoons reunion happen.

2. Samwyse from LOTR aka Rudy aka Mikey from Goonies (Sean Astin) as Lynn McGill, Day 5.

Harrison Ford aside, has there ever been someone else with so many classic pop culture roles as Sean Astin? Ok, Sylvester Stallone (I sense a future list here). How about this: has there ever been someone with so many iconic pop culture roles that never became a superstar? Stallone, Ford, Ian McKellan are not going to do bit parts on 24. There may not be anyone else on the Sean Astin list.

1. Sylar from Heroes (Zachary Quinto) as Adam Kaufman, Day 3.

The fact that I don’t watch Heroes anymore almost made me put him down. (Thought this season was getting bizarre) Still, I believe Sylar may ultimately go down as one of, if not the best TV villains ever. Now that he is about to make a run as Spock, one of the most recognizable tv/movie characters of all time, puts him #1 on the list. Seriously, the whole time we are watching season 3, I kept waiting for him to take Chloe aside, do that thing with his finger and take the part of her brain that makes her so awesome as a computer hacker/analyst/dominator.