Why Am I the One That’s Nervous?

How many times in the last 5 years of my life has this been the scene?  I am standing on the sidelines of a soccer practice and watching Lauren.  I choose to not try and calculate that number.  (The answer will be troubling, like the time I calculated the number of sermons/talks I’ve heard in my life.)  However, this one was different.  This is her first “tryout.”  We are moving from academy level to club level.  What does that mean, you may ask?  First, it means they take more of our money and second, it would seem, that they take more of our time.  As they describe it though, I realize this team we’ve played on this year was already acting like a “club level” team, so we are already prepared for the time that competitive soccer can take.

Anywho, she is now trying out for the team as we move to this next level.  I am watching this tryout and I am as nervous as I have been in a long time.  I remember the first time I spoke at Fellowship Bible in Little Rock and I knew that I was going to speaking to thousands.  I was nervous.  Seriously, I was more nervous yesterday.  It felt silly, but I couldn’t help it.

I’ve felt this way before.  I took Maylee to an audition for a musical a few months ago.  I couldn’t get that stupid knot out of my stomach.  I was pacing down the hallway trying (unsuccessfully) to not listen in.

What is this neurotic behavior? Where does it come from?  It happens in a lot of parents for different reasons and manifests itself in different ways.  For me, I just don’t want them to be disappointed–ever.  I want them to always win, always be happy.  I want to give them everything they need and as much as they want as I can (within the bounds of good behavior, grateful hearts, anti-materialism, etc).  9 times out of 10 if they say, “Can we go to Sonic?” we go to Sonic.  Same for ice cream and renting movies.  The answer is almost always yes, if it is possible to do so.

Here I am though in situations that I can’t control even in the slightest.  I cannot ensure (good post on difference between insure, ensure and assure here) outcomes here, like I can with producing cherry limeades.  So perhaps, this is, at least in part, control issues.  However, it is so much more than that. I want them to win. I don’t want them to experience disappointment.

Unfortunately for some parents, this leads us to drive our children harder than they want to be driven.  “You must succeed.”  This makes it more about us than them.  Similarly, yet differently (nice, huh?) it can lead us to discourage our children from taking risks.  “It’s better to protect them, so they won’t get hurt.”  I think this also is about protecting us more than them.  It also isn’t realistic.  They will be disappointed.  That’s one of the sure things of this world.  Disappointment will come and it will hurt.

Are we preparing them for it? Are we walking them through it? Do we lovingly encourage them the whole way? These are the questions that we need to ask ourselves, not the question I wish I could: how can I make sure they are never disappointed or hurt?

As the reader(s?) of this blog know, I love my daughters and am overwhelmingly proud of them. I want them to win and I want them to know that I am their biggest fan in the world.  Our kids need to know that.

Just don’t tell them that I’m nervous, because it makes them nervous, and then they don’t do as well and then I get more nervous, which…you get the idea.

How Do I Keep from Breaking My Daughter?

This is an actual question put to me on a golf course recently by a friend and fellow dad of daughter.  I don’t know if that is word for word what he said.  If it wasn’t “break” it might have been “ruin” or “mess up.”  Regardless, it was something like that.

I love the question because it really gets at the heart of most guys’ fear about having a daughter.  We consider daughters to be significantly more breakable than a boy.  Boys are durable and tough, and girls are fragile.

Disclaimer: I am not saying that there is such a difference between boys and girls.  I’m saying that is how dads feel.  Little boys are significantly more fragile than most dads realize.

Clarification: Fragile does not connote weakness, at least not in this case.  It really is better understood as valuable and precious.  All things that are valuable and precious are breakable.  That’s how we feel.  You can’t judge our feelings (I may or not be crying now).

I think this belief that a dad can ruin a girl, easily leads many men to becoming passive in their parenting of their daughters.  “Since I am a blumbering idiot, I cannot be trusted.  Wife (I know, no one calls their wife, “wife”), you take care of it.”  If it is not that kind of passivity, a different kind emerges.  The second kind of passivity eliminates discipline.  “She is my beautiful princess.  She never does anything wrong.”  This is seen even more in dads that have sons first.  “Boys are punks like me and need beatings (exaggerated word for effect.  You guys are sensitive today) just like I needed them.  But my precious girl, she just needs more smooches and to be held and given everything she ever wants always.”

I think in my verbiage (turns out it’s not verbage, but verbiage and connote not connotate. Thanks red squigglies. Even though I’m ignoring you with the word “squigglies”) in that last sentence, anyone can figure out what one of my pieces of advice was–your daughter needs to be disciplined as well.

Despite the fact that she is beautiful and sweet, she also has a sinful, selfish heart that needs to be shaped.  She needs to be corrected, disciplined and punished, just as you would your son.  “Just as you would?  That can’t be true.  It has to be different.”  I can agree with that for the same reasons that I would say that you have to discipline different boys differently.  They have different personalities, tendencies, respond to different punishments uniquely, etc.  However, despite the differences between children in general and girls and boys specifically, one similarity remains–they need to have their selfish desires and hearts shaped by a loving parent.

I told my friend that your daughter learns that she is your beautiful princess when things are going well.  She learns to restrain selfishness and sin and (gulp) that she is not the literal or figurative center of the universe when she acts out.  It is possible to be the “fun one” and the “tough one,” to be the “doting dad” and the “disciplinarian.”

We risk “breaking” our daughters when we are one to the exclusion of the other.  Most guys, at least with girls, tend to dote and not discipline.  I certainly am not advocating the other extreme.

Balance, no not balance, but the appropriate role at the appropriate time under the appropriate circumstances is what we need to strive for as dads.  But that is a blog post for another day.

When You Gonna Let That Girl Date?

This is a post where the scope of audience is limited.  Not a lot of Cloften readers out there with pre-teen or teenage daughters.  However, I know that there are some out there with a curiosity about our dating philosophy as parents.  I know this, because you have asked me.  Regardless, it doesn’t matter if you are interested.  I am compiling all my thoughts on parenting into a future book called “The Daddy Your Daughter Needs.”  This will go in the teenage section.  Anywho…

Do you let Maylee (13 yrs old) date?

No.

When will you let her start dating?

Short answer: TBD

Not quite as short answer: When it makes sense for her to start dating.

“Come on Cloften, give us a break.  What we need from you is some arbitrary selected date that is not based at all on the individual girl or her circumstances.  We need you to make dating a carrot that dangles in front of her until you finally relent and let her do it.” (I deleted a sentence in that rant. It was tasty.)

Before I go too far, there a couple of things we have done that way–earrings (10) and make-up (13).  However, those are relatively small things compared to dating.  Those are, in part, tasks that need a level of maturity to manage.  Dating is another level.

Dating is exposing my daughter to the opportunity to have her heart broken by a kid without the maturity or hormone balance to have any clue as to what he is doing.  This is entrusting the heart of my fragile teenage girl to a boy.  (I just deleted an adjective in front of boy. You could probably guess it, if you tried.)

Dating doesn’t make sense for a 13 yr old girl.  “Jim and Tina are going out.” “Going where?”  “Nowhere.  It means they’re dating.”  “Do they go on dates?” “No.” “Do they sit together at lunch?” “No” “Then what does it mean?” “It means they like each other.”  “If they don’t sit together, or really even talk to each other or go places together then why call it dating or going out?” “…” (Based on a real conversation.  Only the names have been changed to protect the ridiculous.)

“Ted broke up with me, and I cried for, like, forever,” said the 12 yr old girl, in my car.  “Really? Forever, that’s a long time,” said the snarky dad of another girl in my car.  “Well, just a few hours, but the next day I started going with Fred so I’m OK now.”

Do you see now what I mean by “it doesn’t make sense?”  I would only be exposing my daughter to unhealthy thinking and perspectives on “love” and “dating” by doing it when it doesn’t have the capacity to be love or dating.

She is completely free to like boys, even particular boys.  She doesn’t tell them. Why should she?  She would tell you there is freedom in that.  That’s right. She would tell you that.  When that boy acts like a boy, it disappoints her. It doesn’t crush her.  She moves on and learns what she likes and doesn’t like in a boy.

Her heart is God’s first and mine next, and I will not let someone I cannot trust have access to it.  Seriously, she is more happy and content than any of the boy-crazy girls I have ever met–by far.

Surely Cloften, you have a date in mind.  I really don’t.  I can imagine that in the next couple of years girls and boys in a group going to the movies together, not paired off.  You can call that group dating, I guess.

But if you are asking when I would let a boy take my daughter somewhere alone for an extended period of time at night without supervision?  The answer is some time after I would let that same boy take my car out under the same circumstances.  You see, the worst thing you can do to my car can be fixed with money.  The worst thing you can do to my daughter’s heart and innocence cannot be.

Your Kids Won’t Become Something Your Not

We are in Branson at “The City” last weekend (that’s what regulars such as us call Silver Dollar City. You can only use it if you go at least 10 times a year.  “Wait? Do you go 10 times a year?”  Yes, is that weird? “…” Yes and we know all the words to the dialogue at Fire in the Hole and Powderkeg.  Is that weird? “…”  #LongestParentheticalRamble to date).

It was Worldfest which is a festival where different shows/acts/performers from different countries come and put on shows in the various small theaters scattered throughout the City.  We are watching one (I won’t say which one, because my Mom really liked it) and the two kids were with me start leaning over and making snide comments, cheering in mildly facetious ways, etc.  As always, the rhetorical question comes up, “Where did they learn to be like this?”

I will answer the rhetorical question for you, which by definition, makes it not a rhetorical question.  Their whole lives they have been listening to their two parents watch various reality shows, newscasts, live Branson shows like they were Statler and Waldorf (Boom! Dated reference!)

This is what happens at their house quite often, and occasionally leaks onto social media.  We make fun of things that we find to be cheesy or over the top–generally things that are entertaining in ways that they didn’t intend.

While this is a somewhat humorous example, it leads to a more serious issue.  Our kids are becoming what they see.  They are becoming their parents, and there really aren’t any other options than that.

“But Cloften, my kid is smarter than me, plays the piano, is good at sports.  Neither one of us were like that.”  Sure, they can have different interests, skills and hobbies.  They can even be better at certain activities than you.  However, they will not have better character.

Have you ever yelled at your kid about them yelling at someone else?  Have you ever overreacted in anger to them overreacting in anger?  Have you ever had a rough night’s sleep worrying about the fact that your kid has a lot of anxiety at school?

They are watching and learning.  They are taking their cues about how to talk to other people based on the way you talk to their mother/father even if you aren’t married.  They are taking their cues based on how you talk to them, on the way you handle adversity and the relationships they see that you have.

Do you want them to stop fighting? Stop fighting with your spouse.  Do you want them to not be angry?  Stop getting angry with them.  Are “shut up” and “crap” bad words?  Don’t use them, even when you think they aren’t listening.  Do you want them to conduct themselves in a sophisticated manner at a Branson show?  Don’t…you get the idea.

One of the keys to having kids with good character is to become a person of character yourself.

One final piece of advice.  If you are ever the primary performer at a Branson show and you say, “Feel free to cheer and whoop however you feel.  Be as loud as you like,” watch out.  We might be there and do just that.

Family Tag Month

May is Family Tag Month.  Wait.  You didn’t know?  Well, that could be because we just invented that a couple of days ago.  This was Lauren’s (of course) idea, though the rules were a collaborative effort.

Assuming that we all understand the basic concept of tag.  Here are the rules:

1) Person who is initially “it” is picked by a random drawing.  No discussion is allowed as to who is it.

2) You can only tag someone when it is just you and that person in the room/area. (to protect the anonymity of who is it)

3) You have to wait 1 hour after you are tagged to tag someone else, this allows for “tag backs” but not immediate tag backs.  However, even after the hour, tag backs are discouraged, because you want everyone getting tagged.

4) At the girls’ bedtime, whoever is it gets a point.  (Like golf, points are bad)

5) At the end of the month, the person with the fewest points wins.

So, go for it.  Make May Family Tag Month.  Between this and the Toenail Ogre, you now have some great (?) ideas for having some ridiculous fun with your kids.  But, as always, my encouragement is to make your own ridiculous games.

UPDATE:  It is May 2nd, 8:30 at the time of this writing.  Heidi got May 1st’s point, and I’m currently it. I was tagged at 7:20.  Very well-timed, since school starts at 8:00.  My plan is to tag Heidi this afternoon at around 2:05, because she will leave the meeting we are at around 2:45 (can’t tag me back) and will be picking up the girls at 3:05.  I considered popping in at school and tagging one of the girls.  I’ve got all month for that trick though. I threatened both of them, just so they’re thinking about it.

Another Visit from the Toenail Ogre

About 3 years ago, our then 7 year old daughter in very Laurenish fashion, ripped off the toenail of one of her big toes.  The fact that that kid has never 1) been in a full body cast or 2) Ever been to the emergency with a stomach pump is amazing.  I could fill a blog called www.ohmygoodnessyouwillnotbelievewhatlaurendid.biz  (I like .biz, it’s classy. cloften.biz is still available if you want to start a rival site).

So one night, mom is getting her ready for bed and doing the various trimming of the toenail shards, cleaning, etc., and it’s time for the big piece to come off.  While this is going on, Lauren begins to muse, “I wonder if I put this under my pillow, if the tooth fairy would take it?”  A discussion amongst all of us begins along the lines of whether or not the tooth fairy would do that, if there is a different toenail fairy, etc.  It was agreed that she should at least give it a go and see what happens.

What happened next, none of us could’ve anticipated.  It turns out that there is not a toenail fairy, but a toenail ogre.  He left Lauren a note written in crayon with dirt all over it, with terrible handwriting and worse grammar.  He also didn’t leave any money.  He left a rock.  Lauren, if you know her you will not be surprised, was ecstatic.  She has both the rock and the note in her keepsake box.

Welpst, she broke her toenail again a couple of weeks ago at a soccer tourney.  The big chunk came off a couple of nights ago.  Anticipation was building in the house again as this giant toenail chunk was placed in a baggie under her pillow.  Sure enough, the toenail ogre was back.  This time the note, still with bad penmanship and grammar, was written with what appeared to be a red sharpie (Maybe said ogre didn’t know where the crayons were.  Maybe it has moved recently).  There was, of course, another rock, which is now along with the note, in the keepsake box.

Is there a point to this? I don’t know. Maybe. As much as there ever is, I guess.  Maybe multiple points:

1) It is as weird behind the scenes at our house as you anticipate it would be.  Probably more.

2) Make fun memories with your kids.  Be creative.

3) They won’t be young forever, but they will remember stuff like this forever.

P.S. The toenail ogre does not come with just ordinary toenail clippings.  Don’t be ridiculous.

P.P.S. Secret goal is to be #1 in Google search for toenail ogre

Velociraptors Fences and the Rigors of Parenting 2: Electric Bugaloo

Whoa! A sequel.  I know.  Doesn’t it remind you of the old days?  “Old days? This blog hasn’t even been around a year and a half.”  I know, but in that short history was an 11 part series entitled Stuff Christians Need to Stop Saying.  That’s right, 11.  That was followed by a series that I got disinterested after 1, entitled Stupid Things Christians Fight About #1.  Since there was only one, the #1 seems pointless.  I guess I could go back, Tron style, and make a sequel after a long gap.

Anywho, this is not really going to be a series.  It’s really more like what is happening with the Hobbit or back in the day with Back to the Future 2 & 3.  There was one idea that ended up needing to be stretched over 2 installments.  “Enough with the movie references, get on with it.”  If you read any of the links above, you’ll get why I did it.  It’s a throwback.

(Read Part 1 here)

We moved to O’Fallon, MO in January 2002.  That seems like a very long time ago, almost like 10 years or something.  Lauren Loften was 15 months old and big sister Maylee had just turned 4.

Some of you know Lauren from Colorado (0-15 mths)–Bizarre growling baby

Some of you know Lauren from Cabot (5 yrs – 9 yrs)–Soccer player, best friend of boys, burgeoning dork

Some of you only know Lauren from NWA (almost 10 – present)–Wisecracking humorist, ninja goalie, (gulp) girl

But then there was Lauren in STL from (15mths – 5 yrs).  Maniacal toddler and preschooler.  She never learned to walk.  She went straight from crawling at 6 months to running about 9 months and never slowed down.  She would put her arms in the air and run full speed until she crashed something.  She would fall down, shake it off, turn a new direction and repeat the process–indefinitely until it was time to eat (She shared the same meal schedule as Hobbits).

So when we moved to St. Louis, we bought a house that had a nice backyard, but no fence.  Would you like to guess what our first priority was?  That’s right; building a fence.  We never let her out in the yard until we built that fence, unless one of us was holding on to her.  Her in a yard with no fence was an unbelievably scary prospect.

Why did we build that fence?  To protect her.  We lived one house away from an incredibly busy street and just a few houses down from a pond.  We needed to protect her from danger and mostly from herself.  We built that fence out of love.

You see, there are two kinds of fences–prison fences and backyard fences for toddlers.  In a prison fence, you put all the bad things in the fence to keep the bad contained.  All the good stuff is outside the fence.  That’s why prisoners want to escape, to get from punishment to freedom.

A backyard fence is different.  We put the swing-set inside the fence.  We put all the toys inside the fence.  All the good stuff was inside.  We built it to protect what we valued and loved from danger and herself.

Into what category do the “fences” (discipline, structure, rules) we build for our kids fall? (I actually re-wrote that sentence so it wouldn’t end in a preposition.  Scholarly, I know)  Ideally, they are backyard fences with a big yard and lots of fun things to do.  They are not punishments but protections from danger and themselves.  We want them to enjoy life, but inside the protection of the fence.

However, our kids often feel they are prison fences.  They stand at the edge and scream and fuss, like a prisoner.  They are begging for freedom and escape.  How do you respond?  As we talked about in part 1, the fence needs to hold.  They need it to hold.  They need stability and security.  Do you know what happens when we give in? When we come to them and say dejectedly, “fine, do what you want,” we are agreeing with them that the fence is a prison fence.  You are giving them parole from your punishing fence. Now, in their mind, the whole fence, every rule and restriction is that way.  That brings chaos for you and them.

Don’t here me say more than I am.  Fences change and move as kids get older and mature.  (I’ll let you know when I would trust Lauren to live next to a pond. Arms in the air running full speed is still how we roll, only now we ride a bike.  I suppose literally rolling)  But you decide when to move them, when you agree that it is time, not when you become tired of fighting or you deem it “no longer worth it.”

Parenting is hard. Discipline is hard. Raising and training great kids is hard. Hang in there. Hold strong. It pays off in the long run for everyone.

(On a side note. If you have a maniacal toddler, you can survive.  Just barely, but you can.)

Velociraptors, Fences and the Rigors of Parenting

“Cloften, with a title like that, this had better be a good post…no great post…hmm, how about just better than mediocre ramblings with an obscure pop culture reference.”  Sorry Reader (intentionally singular), that’s exactly what this is.

You ever have one of those days where one of your kids is just relentlessly pounding you? Or they keep doing the same bad thing over and over again or they are consistently nagging/hounding you? (”Can I ______?” “No” “Please” “No” (repeat indefinitely or until all of hair has fallen out))  No, of course not.  Only other people’s kids do that.  Well, you can still read this, so you can help other parents.

I have dubbed this Velociraptor mode.  This comes from a great scene in Jurassic Park. (Now listen, I consider myself pretty interweb-savvy, and Utoob savvy.  I looked for this clip and couldn’t find it.  If you find it, I will insert the link and I will dub you Dork of the Week)  In this scene, Robert Muldoon (the creepy/super-cool park ranger guy) is explaining to the scientists how the velociraptors conduct themselves in their electric pen.  They systematically go around from one section of the fence to another ramming it full force.  They get knocked out, and then another one will do the same to another section.  The scientists ask why and he says they are testing it for weaknesses.

If you have a child that is over 2, then the analogy is pretty clear and we should just close in prayer. “Dear God, Please help me not put down my velociraptor. Amen.”  If it is not apparent, let me help.  Your kid is constantly testing the borders and weaknesses of the boundaries and rules that you have.  They act like there is no fence there, they don’t care if they are about to get electrocuted (metaphorically of course).  They want to know if there is any weakness in the fence.

So here is the (semi) rhetorical question, will your fence hold? Here’s another one, should your fence hold? Or is the Velociraptor phase, an indication that you have built your fence in the wrong place? Is surrender a good idea?  The idea of surrender is clearly tested most at Wal-Mart.  (Here’s a theory. Actually 2.  The put something in the air at the mall to make men exhausted.  They put something similar in the air at Wal-Mart to make kids throw tantrums)

The fence has to hold.  If you have put good, healthy boundaries on your kid and they start fighting, you have to hold firm.  Kids will do fight, test and rebel.  I can tell you that at ages 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13 that they will.  I’ll let you know about 14 next year, though I’m pretty sure I have solid idea already.  You need to hold strong, and here is why.  Kids want and need the fence to hold.  They are safe and secure there.  The most anxious, angry, fearful kids I know are the one with little or no or variable boundaries.  They are never safe and never at peace.  There is no structure or boundaries to protect them.

I know it’s hard.  I know you are tired.  I know that it is just easier to let them have cake for dinner, go to sleep in your bed and throw rocks at the house. Trust me, in their heart they need to know that you are protecting them.  That’s why the boundaries are there.  That’s why they don’t get to play around the stove or run with scissors.  Similarly that’s why they need a nap and need to eat some fruit (shout out to my mom there).

I promise you that if your fence hold even in the hard times, both you and your kids will be happier and safer in the long-term.

But watch out, Newman might be deactivating the security system during a huge rainstorm and be trying to steal some dinosaur DNA.  If that happens, you are in trouble no matter what.

(If you haven’t seen the movie you are 100% confused.  Only 40% confused if you have)

Proud Dad

Would you be surprised if I told you that I don’t know how my posts are going to end when I start them?  What if I told you that I wasn’t even always sure what my “point” (funny, right?) is sometimes until I start writing? My guess is that’s not surprising.  If it is, I will introduce myself to you later.  We probably don’t know each other.

Anywho, as many of you know, my older daughter Maylee was in a play last week.  It was part of a community kid’s theater called Arts Live.  I was beyond impressed with the people there, the director of the play, the exec director of the group, the kids.  It was all very well done.

Obviously, I was most impressed with one of the actresses in particular.  I was so proud of her.  I was incredibly impressed with what a natural actress she was.  (You know, being dramatic at home is not the same as being a good actress.)  She did a great job.  You never would have known watching it that it was her first play, compared to some of the veterans that were there. (You may think I’m biased, and I am. If she hadn’t been good, I would have known, not told her and said nothing to you)

However, her acting ability is not what I think I’m the most proud of.  I have talked about her tenacity in continuing to audition after getting a couple of “no’s.”  That was both impressive and convicting.  In addition to that, I was impressed by the way she interacted with her fellow cast members (At first I put teammates.  That’s not right.  Playmates seemed weird).

Almost all of these other kids were in high school, which can very intimidating.  Also, some of them talked about things, that let’s say she’s not used to hearing.  That can be overwhelming.  However, she handled herself with a tremendous amount of confidence and grace.  She loved them and they loved her back.  I liked watching at a distance the way that they loved her and the confidence she showed.  She was the “nice one.”  Often in those kinds of environment, “nice one” can be weird one or too good for us one.

From all accounts, she loved them, was a good friend and shined as an example of sweet, godly character. (Is it just me or is the point developing now?)

“You are the light of the world,” Jesus said. To be the light of the world, you have to both shine and be in the world.  Too often, we avoid the world, letting our light shine on each other.  Or, we’re in the world and we don’t shine, because there is neither anything attractive or different about our lives.

As usual, my kids are teaching me as often as I teach them, and I’m very proud of that.

Parenting the Old Testament Way

What a catchy title that is. I am sure that no one is clicking on the link to come read this, so I essentially am writing to myself.  “So Cloften, how is it going?”  “Pretty good just writing myself a brief post on parenting.”  “Sweet.”

You see, from most people’s perspective, you don’t want to do anything the Old Testament way, certainly not parenting.  There are some crazy-bad examples of parenting in the Old Testament.  I do not want you to emulate any of them.  Actually, what I had in mind was something that I have been thinking about as I’ve been getting ready for our Nehemiah series.

This last Sunday I did basically an OT History review lesson.  You can listen to it here.  During that sermon, I explained how and why God called the Jewish people and the big picture of their relationship from the time of Abraham until the beginning of Nehemiah 1.  While I was getting ready for that Sunday and thinking about the OT, a random parenting thought hit me.  I tried to share it on Sunday, but I think pretty ineffectively.  I will try again.

The Jewish people in the OT did a lot of complaining and rebelling (Isn’t the parenting parallel already apparent?).  There is a lot of complaining and rebelling in all households with precious little ones under 18.  Typically as parents, we have our one standard reaction that we have to complaining, whining, etc.  Some of us are big “natural consequence” people.  We let them do the bad thing they want to do, they get hurt, they learn the lesson.  Some of us are “peace at any price” or “grace-based.”  We respond to the whining by loving on them, giving them what they want.  Some of us “bring out the stick.” (I don’t think that requires any explanation)

My default is the stick, not literally a stick, but punishment.  Classic Cloften parenting line, “In all of your life has whining and complaining ever gotten you what you want from me?”  “No (dejected face)”  “What could possibly make you think it would work this time?”  Then there is some kind of punishment.

What I am struck by is how God incorporates all of those methods at different times.  They complain in the desert and say that they want to go back to slavery.  Sometimes God blesses them with manna, quail, water from a rock.  When they ask for a king in total rebellion against God and his leadership, he warns them, they ask again and he gives them what they ask for and leaves them to natural consequences.  Sometimes, he brings the stick.

He integrates all of these.  He doesn’t always punish.  He sometimes gives in, and sometimes with no bad consequences, natural or otherwise.

Maybe I am only talking to myself, but I believe that we need to have multiple “tools in our belt.”  Every circumstance is different and each child is different.  Sometimes you need to punish, sometimes you can just let it go.

“That’s right Cloften.  Now put down the stick.”

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