One of the Best Decisions I Ever Made–I Asked for Help

September 14, 2015 by cloften  
Filed under Bible, Church and Leadership, Family and Parenting

I was 23 years old and had been married for a little bit over a year.  Our first year of marriage had not gone well.  My first year as a college minister had not gone well.  I was not doing well.  I was neck deep in some private sin.  I was failing as a man.  It was one of the scariest seasons of my life.  I was scared and failing, and I wasn’t sure how to get out.  Everything was new.  I had never been married before, and I had never had a full-time year round job before.  I was crumbling under the pressure.  I was supposed to be some great Christian and mentor to college students, and I wasn’t.  I had an awesome wife and she needed me to be more and better than what I was.  I’m getting a huge knot in my stomach right now just recalling this time in my life.

Have you been there?  Have you ever had a truly low point in your life where you felt like you were failing in all or most facets of your life?  Most of us have.  If you haven’t, I don’t want to jinx it, but…  What are you supposed to do in this situation?  We live in a world that is struggling.  We live in a world where people are having a hard time making families work.  Marriages are falling apart.  They have fallen apart so badly that more and more people have given up even on the idea of marriage.  People are struggling to raise healthy, confident kids.  We are not even sure what that phrase means any more.  The world is looking for answers everywhere.  They are looking everywhere except in God’s Word and from Christians.

Why is this the case?  It is because we have failed to provide the world an example of what a healthy growing family can look like when it commits itself to God’s plan and design for families.  Our divorce rate is as high or higher than the country as a whole.  Our kids struggle with their identity as much or more than any other kids.  We sit back and criticize that “the world is falling apart.”  However, we fail to realize that the world is falling apart in large part because we have failed to be the light that God has called us to be as his church.  They are failing because we as God’s people have failed in being who we are called to be.

Why is this the case? Because we have failed as individuals and as families to get the help we need when we are struggling.  We have decided that faking it and pretending to be doing fine when we aren’t is preferable to being honest.  We choose to be fake with each other because we care more about people thinking that we are doing well, then we care about actually doing well. Then, on the rare occasions that someone finally decides to break down and admit that they need help, we far too often choose to rebuke them for needing the help in the first place.  We individually and collectively need to make a decision to be different.

Back to the flashback.  I was at the lowest point in my life to that point.  I was failing in almost every way that a man could be failing.  My wife and I had just joined a new small group.  In this group was a couple that was just a few years older than we were.  They had just had their first child, a beautiful baby girl.  As we were getting to know them, I began to really like him.  He seemed to be the kind of husband, dad and man that I wanted to be.  Then I made one of the best decisions of my life.  I asked Stuart out to lunch.

At that lunch, I just put it all out there.  I told him all the ways that I was struggling.  I can only imagine how overwhelmed he must have been in that moment.  I asked him for help.  I asked if we could meet, talk, anything.  I needed help in being a better man.  Thankfully, he agreed.  We decided that we were going to have lunch together every week.  We would ask each other some accountability questions and just talk about how we were doing with our wives and in our work and our personal lives.  Thus began my relationship with the best friend that I have ever had.

Over the last 20 years, at every major step in my life, in every up and especially the downs, Stuart has been right there beside me.  He has helped me and sometimes carried me through some of the scariest moments in my life.  If I am anything, if I am a good husband, good dad or good pastor, it is in large part, because of the friendship and faithfulness of Stuart.  I am, literally, eternally grateful for him.

I may not be great at a lot of things, but one thing that I have done well is I have asked for help when I need it.  Life is too hard for me to try it alone.  I need help.  I need someone who has been where I am to point me the right way.  I need people to help me get out of a hole when I can’t do it alone.  I need someone to pray with me and for me.  I need friends.  I need help.  One of the best decisions in my life was on a random Wednesday night when I asked someone I barely know to lunch and then the next day, just simply asked him for help.

What about you?  How are you doing? Really.  If you’re not doing well, does someone know it?  If you need help, have you asked anyone for help?  God has given us each other and His Spirit.  Don’t go it alone.  Get help.

I was 23 years old and had been married for a little bit over a year.  Our first year of marriage had not gone well.  My first year as a college minister had not gone well.  I was not doing well.  I was neck deep in some private sin.  I was failing as a man.  It was one of the scariest seasons of my life.  I was scared and failing and I wasn’t sure how to get out.  Everything was new.  I had never been married before, and I had never had a full-time year round job before.  I was crumbling under the pressure.  I was supposed to be some great Christian and mentor to college students, and I wasn’t.  I had an awesome wife and she needed me to be more and better than what I was.  I’m getting a huge knot in my stomach right now just recalling this time in my life.

Have you been there?  Have you ever had a truly low point in your life where you felt like you were failing in all or most facets of your life?  Most of us have.  If you haven’t, I don’t want to jinx it, but…  What are you supposed to do in this situation?  We live in a world that is struggling.  We live in a world where people are having a hard time making families work.  Marriages are falling apart.  They have fallen apart so badly that more and more people have given up even on the idea of marriage.  People are struggling to raise healthy, confident kids.  We are not even sure what that phrase means any more.  The world is looking for answers everywhere.  They are looking everywhere except in God’s Word and from Christians.

Why is this the case?  It is because we have failed to provide the world an example of what a healthy growing family can look like when it commits itself to God’s plan and design for families.  Our divorce rate is as high or higher than the country as a whole.  Our kids struggle with their identity as much or more than any other kids.  We sit back and criticize that “the world is falling apart.”  However, we fail to realize that the world is falling apart in large part because we have failed to be the light that God has called us to be as his church.  They are failing because we as God’s people have failed in being who we are called to be.

Why is this the case? Because we have failed as individuals and as families to get the help we need when we are struggling.  We have decided that faking it and pretending to be doing fine when we aren’t is preferable to being honest.  We choose to be fake with each other because we care more about people thinking that we are doing well, then we care about actually doing well. Then, on the rare occasions that someone finally decides to break down and admit that they need help, we far too often choose to rebuke them for needing the help in the first place.  We individually and collectively need to make a decision to be different.

Back to the flashback.  I was at the lowest point in my life to that point.  I was failing in almost every way that a man could be failing.  My wife I and I had just joined a new small group.  In this group was a couple that was just a few years older than we were.  They had just had their first child, a beautiful baby girl.  As we were getting to know them, I began to really like him.  He seemed to bet the kind of husband, dad and man that I wanted to be.  Then I made one of the best decisions of my life.  I asked Stuart out to lunch.

At that lunch, I just put it all out there.  I told him all the ways that I was struggling.  I can only imagine how overwhelmed he must have been in that moment.  I asked him for help.  I asked if we could meet, talk, anything.  I needed help in being a better man.  Thankfully, he agreed.  We decided that we were going to have lunch together every week.  We would ask each other some accountability questions and just talk about how we were doing with our wives and in our work and our personal lives.  Thus began my relationship with the best friend that I have ever had.

Over the last 20 years, at every major step in my life, in every up and especially the downs, Stuart has been right there beside me.  He has helped me and sometimes carried me through some of the scariest moments in my life.  If I am anything, if I am a good husband, good dad or good pastor, it is in large part, because of the friendship and faithfulness of Stuart.  I am, literally, eternally grateful for him.

I may not be great at a lot of things, but one thing that I have done well is I have asked for help when I need it.  Life is too hard for me to try it alone.  I need help.  I need someone who has been where I am to point me the right way.  I need people to help me get out of a hole when I can’t do it alone.  I need someone to pray with me and for me.  I need friends.  I need help.  One of the best decisions in my life was on a random Wednesday night when I asked someone I barely know to lunch and then the next day, just simply asked him for help.

What about you?  How are you doing? Really.  If you’re not doing well, does someone know it?  If you need help, have you asked?  God has given us each other and His Spirit.  Don’t go it alone.  Get help.

10 Steps to Winning at Disney World (or Any Theme Park)

September 11, 2015 by cloften  
Filed under General Insanity, Silliness and Rants

You may be wondering what it means to win at Disney World or a theme park.  If you are as competitive as the Loften family, you know instinctively what it means.  For people who are nicer than us, I’ll explain.  There are two ways to win at a theme park.  The first is based solely on how you feel at the end of the day.  Some people walk away from a day at Disney and feel like all they did was wait in lines all day in huge crowds and accomplished nothing.  They lost.  You win when you feel like you rode what you wanted to and had a great time.  You may still be tired, but it’s a “wasn’t that fun?” tired and not a “I hate this” kind of tired. When you do that, you win.

That's a Group of Winners!

That's a Group of Winners!

There is a second way that you can win, and this makes theme park touring a competition. (Isn’t everything a competition?)  You win by doing Disney better than everyone else.  Example: we had just finished the day at Animal Kingdom, one of the parks at Disney World, and we were on the bus headed back to the hotel.  A mom starts talking to my wife Heidi.  She says that she got at the park at opening and was there all day and only rode 3 things.  She talked about how exhausted she was and how she “hated this.”  We, on the other hand, had been there since the park opening and had ridden the two main attractions 3 times each as well as riding about 10 other rides and we saw a couple of shows.  We win! This post is designed to help you WIN! Don’t you want to win? Of course, you do.  As you can probably guess, in addition to winning, we really love theme parks, especially Disney World.  We are planning another trip soon.  Also, a shout out to Silver Dollar City, which we visit about a dozen times a year–always winning.  These principles will be broad enough to be applied anywhere, but I will focus on Disney, because, you know, DISNEY!

1) Get to the park well before rope drop. What is rope drop you may ask?  It’s the time when they turn you loose in the park.  Most parks have a literal rope or chain or something that is holding you back from getting in.  When they drop the rope, it is time to go win!  Getting to the park before rope drop means that you have your ticket in hand ready to go before the park opens. Not buying a ticket, not in the parking lot, not “we’re pulling in.”  You are standing at the gate ready to go before they are letting people in. Depending on how busy/popular the park is, that may mean 10 minutes before or 40 minutes before.  I highly recommend 40 minutes for any park at Disney.  That may sound crazy but it is far and away the most important piece of advice.  You could stop reading now and win (not against us, but against most people).  If you get there 40 minutes early, you can be among the first 50 people in the park.  If you get there right when it opens, you could have 1000 people in front of you.  Get there what most people call early, within the first hour of opening, and you will have 1000’s of people ahead of you and you will wait in line behind them all day.  We wait once and that is for the park to open.  Fun Fact: we got to Animal Kingdom once at 7:15 when it opened at 8:00.  Saw many of the Cast Members (employees) show up to work.  We even beat them!  Win!

2) Go to the most popular attractions first. This is not the same as going to the attractions that you most want to ride first.  This means go to the rides that everyone else wants to ride first.  Go to where the crowds will ultimately be headed before the crowds get there.  You have some sense of what the most popular rides are, ride them first, then the next popular ones, etc.  Then rather than waiting with or behind the crowds, the crowds are chasing you all day.  You know what that feels like? Winning.

A Good Kind of Tired

A Good Kind of Tired

3) Go hard early. Rest later. Some of you are already thinking that this is sounding exhausting.  It’s not exhausting.  Exhausted is what you feel after waiting in lines for 5 hours total all day.  It’s a good kind of tired to get up early and have fun.  However, if you get up early, stay focused and hit all the rides you can early, then when the afternoon comes and the park is at its most crowded, you can rest.  Sit on a bench and taunt some people.  Go back to the hotel and take a nap.  Go see some of the shows where you are sitting for a while.  I promise if you get up early, work hard in the morning and then rest later, you will be significantly less tired than the people who are sleeping in and getting to the park at the worst time.  “But I want to sleep in on vacation!”  Great, go to the beach.  If you sleep in at Disney, you will walk away tired.  However, work hard in the morning and then take a well-deserved rest.  You’ve earned it, because, you know, you’re winning!

4) Bring a snack. Take water and a snack with you.  Not only will you save money but you will also save time by not going to their snack counters.  Both matter, especially at Disney World.  Furthermore, as you are moving quickly around the park, you will be glad you had a snack to help you keep your energy up.  Also, the best time to stop and eat is for a late lunch.  This way you are waiting less to get your food, and you are still riding when others stop to eat.  You are eating when the park is most crowded and its the hottest.  You could also consider eating energy gel packets that marathon runners use, to make yourself feel more like a winner.

5) Know the park. Don’t wait until you get there to get the map and figure out where the rides, bathrooms, restaurants, etc. are.  You need to at least have a general sense of where everything is.  You also need to know exactly where you are headed first and in what general direction you are going throughout the day.  If you need to look at a map to confirm some things, do that while you are waiting (every so briefly) to get on rides.  Don’t do this:  I was walking, read jogging, across Disney to get some Fastpasses, back when they used paper Fastpasses, and I saw a mom pushing a stroller.  In front was dad with his face in a map.  As a move past them, I hear her say, “You better figure this out, because this is ridiculous.”  That’s what we call not winning.

6) Take advantage of any special touring opportunities. Most parks have some sort of way to get you to the front of the line on certain rides.  At Disney World, it is called Fastpass+ and is available to everyone who has a ticket.  Research this and use it.  It can make a huge difference and lets you ride crowded rides during busy times with little wait.  It’s complicated, so don’t do it the night before.  Start looking into it as soon as you know you are going.  Do the research, it will pay off big.  At Silver Dollar City it is called Trailblazers Pass.  It costs money.  I don’t recommend it.  If you get there early and ride the big rides first, you will be fine.  We paid for the passes at Cedar Point because it was literally a once in a lifetime trip.  My Dad, Brother and I rode 20+ roller coasters in 6 hours.  Hmmm, what do you call that?  Hint: it starts with a w.

7) Have a plan, but make it flexible. I know that most people don’t want to plan vacation.  You want to rest.  We’ve covered that a little already, but planning ahead will make your vacation more restful when you are there.  What rides do we know we want to ride? How popular are they? Where are they? Where do we want to eat?  You don’t have to rigidly stick to the plan.  You may encounter something unexpected that looks fun, like an early parade that you weren’t aware of or a character roaming freely.  Have a plan but don’t be a slave to it.  However, there may come a point where your kid wants to do something now that would be better done later.  Make sure you don’t just say no.  Just tell them that we will be back there later.  “We can’t do that now.  We will do it after lunch.  Remember, we are winning.”

8 ) Research any touring plans. Google is your friend.  Type this “(name of park) touring plans.”  You will find some great information and websites from people who are even more psychotic about this than I am.  You will find multiple plans based on how old your kids are, interests, etc.  We found some before our trip to Cedar Point this summer.  It helped us know what the most crowded rides were and gave us a sense of the park.  It was a lot of help.  Someone else has done all the work.  They are offering it to you.  Learn from winners to be a winner.

9) Get everyone on board. If you are travelling with other people, you need to get everyone on board.  You don’t want to spend much of your day waiting for your friends and family to show up.  If some people are resistant, get them to try it with you the first day and if they don’t like it, they can do something else.  They will like it and you will be the hero.  You don’t want people complaining.  That sounds like losing.

Follow the red backpack! That's where the plan and the snacks are!

Follow the red backpack! That's where the plan and the snacks are!

10) Have the heart of a servant not a dictator. This will be the best way to get people on board.  You are not trying to dominate the vacation.  You are not in a competition with your family and friends.  You are in a competition with everyone else.  Your role in researching and planning is making sure everyone has a great time.  It is the greatest joy for me at Disney.  My reward is the looks on my girls’ faces when they get to see the character they want to meet, when they get to ride everything they want.  I will work as hard as I have to for that reward.  I want to love and serve them and for everyone to have a great time. That’s winning!

When Getting Fired Is the Best Thing That Could Happen

September 10, 2015 by cloften  
Filed under Bible, Church and Leadership

Immediately after finishing my seminary degree, our family moved to the suburbs of St. Louis to join some friends in planting a church.  It was an exciting opportunity for us.  First what could be better than planting a church and serving alongside friends?  We weren’t taking some job where we didn’t know anyone in completely unfamiliar circumstances.  We were friends and knew each other.  We had worked together before in college ministry and we were friends.  Also, I was young and inexperienced and this was an opportunity for me to get in on the ground floor as a leader at what was certain to be an incredible fast-growing influential church.
However, for multiple reasons, this church was failing miserably.  We were there four years and essentially saw minimal to no growth.  There are a multitude of reasons why this church failed—enough to fill an entire book—20 Leadership Lessons from a Failed Church Plant.  However, I will focus on the one that’s relevant to what we are talking about.  That’s the great thing about having such a miserable failure on my resume, you can use some part of it to illustrate anything.
I really wanted to be a teaching pastor at contemporary church.  I really wanted to plant a church with friends.  I was passionate about small groups and the local church being used to reach lost people.  I was excited about the opportunity and the job.  But passion and enthusiasm could not overcome one thing.  Like I mentioned earlier, the job that I was given was not one I was good at.  My primary responsibility was in the area of administration.  I also taught about once a month and I was overseeing small groups, but the bulk of my time was spent managing the business side of the church.  I was developing and maintaining a church database, paying the bills and managing the church finances.  To say that I was no good at that would be a huge understatement.  I was terrible at it.  People who know me now laugh when they hear that I was to be the organized one.  People who don’t know me but have seen my car, or my desk, the files on my computer, my closet, well let’s be honest, those who have seen any aspect of my life know that administration and organization are not in my list of strengths.
No amount of passion for being a pastor, serving with friends or loving the great people that were a part of our church could overcome the fact that one of the main thrusts of my job was something I was no good at and was not passionate about.  So here’s what happened.  I would spend twice as much time doing simple tasks as it would take someone who was gifted in that area, which is already time wasted.  However, in addition to that I would waste time dreading the tasks and then waste time on the backend being cranky about how awful those tasks were.  You can judge me if you want, I know how you are.  However, you are the same way.  If there is job that you have to do, that you hate and are no good at, you waste all kinds of time both in doing it and not doing it.  I believe that when we try to accomplish something that is completely out of our sweet spot——something you are not talented in or passionate about—it takes us four hours to accomplish a one hour task.  We spend one hour not doing it, two hours doing it and one hour exhausted from doing it.
What are the results of this? First I’m exhausted mentally and emotionally from having so much of my day being jobs I can’t and don’t want to do.  That then means I am taking time away from the parts of my job that I can and want to do well.  Now I’m not only failing at the parts of my job that I am destined to fail in, but now also I am failing in the areas of my job that I could be good at, if I had the time or the emotionally energy to do it.
Now in addition to not doing my job well, I am slowly sinking into a depression because I can feel myself failing (in addition to other parts of the church failing for other reasons).  So how can I get out of this? What I tried was completely ignoring the admin piece of my job except for the bare essentials.  This way I can focus on the parts of my job that I can do well.  Anyone who is administratively gifted or at a minimum understands the importance of the administrative side of church has just passed out.  A church needs a solid infrastructure (run by an efficient team) and without it weaknesses will be exposed.  To be honest there wasn’t much difference between me focusing on admin and not focusing on it.  In both instances, it was terrible.
However, that eventually catches up with you—depression, avoidance and failing at some primary job responsibilities. After four years of the church struggling, my friend invited me to lunch and fired me.

Immediately after finishing my seminary degree, our family moved to the suburbs of St. Louis to join some friends in planting a church.  It was an exciting opportunity for us.  First, what could be better than planting a church and serving alongside friends?  We weren’t taking some job where we didn’t know anyone in completely unfamiliar circumstances.  We had worked together before in college ministry.  Also, I was young and inexperienced and this was an opportunity for me to get in on the ground floor as a leader at what was certain to be an incredible fast-growing influential church.

However, for multiple reasons, this church was failing miserably.  We were there four years and essentially saw minimal to no growth.  One of those reasons was that the job was not a great fit for me at all.  Some of my job was a good fit.  I would teach about once a month, which I loved.  I was overseeing the small groups and I enjoyed that as well.  However, there was a huge problem.  I was the church administrator as well.  Take a moment and let that sink in.  If you don’t know me, then you need to understand that everyone is laughing right now.  I could attach a picture of the inside of my car and you would understand, or my closet, or my desk, or I suppose a picture of me.  I have no administrative gifts at all.  I was a disaster at that and it was the core of my job.

Other parts of my job were going well,  I was shepherding and teaching well.  Small groups were going OK, especially for a church that wasn’t growing and struggling.  It didn’t matter.  I was struggling.  After four years of being there and with no warning, my friend and the lead pastor, took me out to lunch.  (I take that back.  Invited me to lunch.  I paid for my own lunch.  Minor detail, but still.)  At that meeting, he blamed all the church’s problems on me and fired me.

(Since that time, we have reconciled and he has apologized for blaming me and took responsibility.  I put this disclaimer in here, because I don’t want anyone who knows the people involved in this story to think that I’m still upset or he and I aren’t good.  We are.  No resentment here…except for that maybe I had to buy my own lunch.  Just kidding.)

At that moment, I was devastated.  It was the worst thing that had ever happened to me.  I had lost my job, my church and my friends all in one awful moment.  For quite a few days, I wasn’t sure that I would ever recover from this loss.  I spent a lot of time crying, yelling and not sleeping.

However, the 10 year anniversary of that moment is coming up in January, and after ten years, I have to say that it is one of the best things that ever happened to me.  What can often destroy people, God has used to grow me and help me become the man, pastor and leader that I am today.  Without the “worst” thing that has ever happened to me, I would not be where I am or who I am. What about you? Have you had a devastating moment in your life? Have you allowed it derail you?  After 10 years, here is what I have learned about these moments and how God has shaped me through them.  Ultimately he can do the same for you.

Here are some ways that God made the “worst” the “best” for me:

1) God drew me closer to him. When you lose your church, your friends and your job all in one moment, it can feel that you don’t have much left.  It can also feel like you have nowhere to go.  However, God was always there.  The first thing that my wife said to me after I told her was, “Well, clearly God is up to something.”  It was hard to believe at first, but eventually it became clear to me as well.  God was with me, loved me, and wanted my best.  I learned to lean on him more in this adversity than I had in a long time.  I chose not to turn on God but instead to lean in, and my relationship with him deepened in great ways.  Move toward God.  Don’t pull away.

2) I woke up out of a daze. I’m not going to lie.  I was in a rut.  I wasn’t enjoying my job or much of my life.  However, it was my life.  It was my job.  So, I kept doing it.  I was headed nowhere personally or professionally.  I was drifting slowly on a boat headed nowhere.  However, in a moment, that rut was gone.  Rather than dwelling on the loss and grieving, I was able to realize that I was stuck some place that I didn’t want to be and headed to a place that I didn’t want to go.  Difficult change has the power to wake us up and refresh us if we choose to not give in to despair.

3) I took the opportunity to evaluate what my best role was. So if I wake up out of a daze, now my head is clear.  So I ask, what should I be doing if it’s not this?  Where should I be doing this?  What am I good at? What do I love?  When anything is possible, well…anything is possible.  I applied for jobs all over the country in all sorts of different roles.  Through some good prayer time, introspection and multiple interview processes, God began to make it more clear who I was and want I needed to be doing.  Don’t focus on the loss.  Embrace the opportunity

4) God led me some place better. Ultimately then, the next job I took was a much better fit for me and I saw God’s blessing in my life more than I ever had as a pastor.  Then as that role began to change, I recognized that it wasn’t going to be a great fit for me long-term.  I could see the signs now.  That then led me to where I am now, which I believe is a job in a place where God wanted me to be all along.  I didn’t get here the most direct way, but I did get here God’s way.  So, let’s not ever lose sight that even though the path may seem crooked, we are being led by God right to where he wants us to go.

5) Unexpected blessings. I made a decision 4 years ago that there was no longer any point in my past that I was going to regret.  Of course, there are situations I could have handled better, and I regret that.  However, big picture there are no regrets.  Why? Because of Laylah Loften, our adopted daughter.  She was born in a hospital in Fayetteville, Arkansas at just the right time and just the right place for her to be ours.  If anything in our life had been different, we would have missed it.  So, no regrets.  If this is all the good that had come from being fired, it would have been more than worth it.  Don’t lose sight of the tremendous events and blessings in your life that possibly would have never happened if the temporarily devastating events hadn’t led you there.

Don’t let a twist or obstacle in your path become the time that you give up.  God is working a long-term big picture plan for your life.  He can and will take some of the worst moments in our life and use them to bring great good.

How have you seen God work in this way in your life when life handed you something unexpected and hurtful?

What I Learned about the Love of God from Adoption

September 9, 2015 by cloften  
Filed under Family and Parenting

I still remember the moment like it was yesterday.  It is emblazoned on my mind and heart forever.  We were standing outside the NICU at Washington Regional Hospital.  Maylee and Lauren, who were 14 and 11 at the time, were too young to go in.  So the nurse said that they would hold her up through the window so we could all see her together for the first time.  Then in very Lion King fashion, the nurse held this precious baby up where we could see.  She was tiny and covered in fine blond fur and this three day old baby was one of the most beautiful precious thing I had ever seen.

Mine from the beginning

Mine from the beginning

Just 24 hours earlier, we didn’t even know that this precious baby girl existed.  We were just living our lives and doing what we do every day.  Then on Tuesday afternoon, we get a call from DHS and they tell us that there is a newborn baby girl at the hospital.  She has no one.  Her mom had left her and she was alone.  They asked if we wanted to be her foster parents, but they told us there was 99% chance that she would need to be adopted and asked us not to say yes unless we would be able and willing to do that.  It was the easiest yes I had ever said especially to something as immediately  and drastically life changing as we knew this would be.

We had been praying for this for some time.  We knew that God wanted us to adopt and we were patiently waiting for God to put the child in our lives.  I had been talking about it this way.  I knew that somewhere out there was a Loften.  We didn’t know who he or she was or where they were or anything.  However, we knew that God knew and at that just the right time, he would bring her to us.

So there we were with this beautiful baby at the hospital and in exactly the first moment that I saw her, she had me.  I was hers and she was mine.  There was not and has not been one moment of hesitation.  She was fully loved and fully mine.  Even though for the first 7-8 months of our life together, there was a chance that she wouldn’t be with us forever, it didn’t matter.  I was her dad.  She was mine.  I loved her fully and recklessly.  I didn’t know what the future held, but I knew that that baby girl need a daddy.  That daddy was me.

She's mine and I'm hers

She's mine and I'm hers

She has now been mine for almost 4 years.  We get to celebrate Laylah’s forever day in October (the day she legally became what she had always been in my heart) and then her 4th birthday in November.  During that time my love for has exponentially multiplied.  I can’t believe that I have the great privilege of being her dad, and I’m super thankful to God every day that he placed her in my life.  At night when I check to make sure that she is still well tucked-in, many nights I just stare at this wonderful gift from God.  That leads me to this.

But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.

Galatians 4:4-7

There was a time in my life where this passage was just another passage in Scripture.  Adoption was a theological concept and metaphor that Paul used to explain what it means to be saved and have a relationship with God.  That is no longer how I feel about this passage.  It is not an abstract theological concept.  This touches the most sensitive place in my heart.  I know how I feel about Laylah.  I know what it means to me that she calls me Daddy.  I know how it makes my heart leap for joy that she knows that I love her and that she is mine.

But let’s also be clear, I am a selfish guy with mixed motives and imperfect love.  So what if God’s love for me is not only like the love that I have for Laylah which is huge, but it is, in fact, significantly greater than that?  What if when I call Him Dad, what he feels about me is even more? What if when he looks down on me, he loves me with a deeper more complete perfect love than I do when I’m just staring at my beautiful daughter?

Just keeping it real

Just keeping it real

God loves me and us far deeper than we realize.  Each step that I take in my life with our precious baby girl, I realize that more and more.  Take a moment and ask yourself, if God truly loves you like an adopted son or daughter, what does that really mean? What does it really mean that God loves me as his own?

What About Abortion and the Gays?

September 8, 2015 by cloften  
Filed under Bible, Church and Leadership

I was minding my own business and someone that I didn’t know started walking up to me.  I could tell that she wanted to talk to me.  (Experience tells me that there is about a 90% chance that this is going to be OK)

She comes up to me and says in a fairly curt way, “So, you’re a pastor or something right?” (Now there is a 25% chance)

“Yes ma’am.” (I was raised in the South)

“What’s the name of the church?’

“The Grove Church”

“Grove Church? I guess that’s non-denominational, huh?’ (10%)

“Yes ma’am”

“I guess you do contemporary music then?” (5%)

“Yes ma’am”

“Aaargh! Why do you do that? Contemporary music!” (<1%)

I tried to explain, that we as a church were trying to reach people that right now are not connecting well at church, namely people 40 and under.  We want to have an approach that has a greater chance of appealing to younger people.

She begins to explain her disdain for contemporary music.  Same stuff I’ve heard for 20+ years.  It’s repetitious, loud, not worshipful for her etc.

“So, these young people.  Are they getting saved?” (<.01%)

“Pardon?”

“Are people getting saved?”

“Yes ma’am. People are getting baptized and…”

“I don’t care about that.  Are they really getting saved?”

I explain to her my/our understanding of Jesus Christ as God’s Son and how sin destroys our relationship with God and how everyone needs God’s forgiveness through Jesus.  This seems to satisfy her (she even commends (?) me by saying, “So you don’t water it down then”), and I am briefly optimistic that this conversation is winding down.  That’s when it happens.

“What about abortion and the gays?” (0%)

….. (Awkward silence)

My brain is in overdrive at this point.  How am I going to respond to this? Why is she asking me this?  Why did she ask it like this? Please believe me.  That is exactly what she said.  She said it in a fairly harsh dismissive tone as well.  My brain typically works pretty quickly but I was stuck.  My wife accurately predicted my first response.

“What about them?”

“Well you know!” (Do I?)

This has been a while ago.  It still echoes in my head.  That whole conversation bothered me.  It bothered me for a lot of different reasons.  All my various thoughts on this exchange could end up being a blog series or a book.

We will start with this.  Is this really who we as Christians want to be know as? Does this represent us? And do we want it to?  Is this really what we have become? Let’s take her 3 questions in order.

1) Do you do contemporary music?  Interpreted: Do you do music that I like?  Is this the most important question to ask when evaluating a church? Does music style still divide us?  I feel like I could rant on this but I feel like I would be partying like it’s 1999 (Boom! Dated reference!)  How about is your worship passionate and sincere? Is your time of worship an opportunity for people to connect their hearts with the heart of God.

2) Are they getting saved? Interpreted: Are you telling them the hard truths that they need to hear?  Perhaps she is simply meaning to ask if we are church that values the gospel or if we believe that the Bible is the final authority on faith and life.  To give the benefit of the doubt, she could just have been awkwardly asking if we are compromising truth to be attractive.  However, what she asked was about compromising truth that other people need to hear.  She didn’t ask if I was going to challenge her with God’s word.  She wanted to know that they were going to be challenged.

3) What about abortion and the gays? Interpreted: Do you agree with me on my hot-button issues?  Are these the issues that determine whether or not a church honors God and believes the Bible? Why not what about poverty and the orphans? What do we communicate with the people who are far from God that these are the issues that determine whether or not someone is authentically Christian?  I’ll tell you in part what it communicates.  It says that you are not welcome until you agree with our politics.  “Charlie it is not a political issue.  It is a moral and Biblical issue!” What you mean to say is that it is not simply a political issue.  But it is one, and in a culture that chooses to tolerate a bitter, confrontational political climate, you should take care in making hot-button political wedge issues, the primary issues in your church.

This is the point in which I am accused of being soft or compromising truth.  This is humorous to me considering most of my life I have been accused of being close-minded and judgmental.  How about this, can we be uncompromising with truth and uncompromising in our love toward people?  There is so much more to the issues of the sanctity of life and sexuality than the sound bite that this lady wanted.  I do not want to have my thoughts on controversial subjects whittled down to a sound bite to pass someone else’s litmus test.

Would it be too far for me to say that if I had to choose I would rather have some Christians question my orthodoxy on some issues than to have any non-Christians question me or my church’s commitment to loving them?  I want everyone to know that forgiveness and life is available to them through Jesus Christ.  But we are too busy trying to figure out who can be the most “right” on these issues that we have forgotten that there are broken, hurting people out there that need to know that God is right there with his hand out offering hope, love, peace and forgiveness. “But they need to know that what they are doing is sin and we need to tell them…”  Serious question. Do you really believe that evangelical Christians have under-communicated that abortion and homosexuality are sinful?  I would find that hard to believe.

Jesus told us that we are the light of the world.  What kind of light are we?  Are we lighthouses pointing to safety or police spotlights bringing judgment? Are we a campfire providing warmth and light or are we torches to go with our pitchforks?

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what about abortion and the gays?  You never really answered the question.”

Fine here you go:

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

John 3:16-17

There is obviously so much more to say, but I’ll stop there and just let this be a conversation starter.  What do you think?  Am I too soft? Am I being too hard on us?  How would you have handled that conversation?

Book Review: The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson

September 7, 2015 by cloften  
Filed under Bible, Church and Leadership

New feature here at cloften.com.  I will periodically recommend books, blogs, and podcasts that have been particularly impactful for me, and I believe could do the same for you.  I probably won’t blog about the books that I have read and don’t like. That just doesn’t seem cool.  It seems more like trolling.  You might could talk me into it though if you thought it would be helpful.  We will start with a book that I have already read once with our staff and a small group.  3 years later, I am reading it again with our staff.

Book: The Circle Maker: Praying Circles Around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears (Click here to buy on Amazon)

circle maker

Author: Mark Batterson, Lead Pastor of National Community Church

Why You Should Read It: Batterson challenges way too common Christian approaches to praying that I have struggled with for much of my Christian walk.  I pray timid prayers.  He says that a big God is honored by bold prayers and is bothered by timid ones.  God doesn’t want us to hedge our bets when we pray. “God please do this, but if you don’t then make me happy with that or whatever you are going to do.  Never mind.  Sorry to bother you.”  By using stories from his life, others lives and powerful Biblical stories, Batterson makes a strong case to believe that God wants to do big things through your life and in your life. If you will pray with confidence and persistence, you will see God show up in much bigger ways than most people see.

Why Some Would Say You Shouldn’t: He uses as his primary metaphor a story that doesn’t come from the Bible from the time between the two testaments of the Bible.  Honi prays that God will bring rain during a drought by drawing a circle in the sand and says he won’t come out until God answers.  Since the story is not from the Bible it is dangerous to build a case around it.  Even when it is paired with other stories from the Bible, it is dangerous because it could lead to “name it, claim it,” and us arrogantly believing that we can tell God what to do.

Why They Are Wrong: It’s a story and a metaphor.  That’s it.  His metaphor is drawing circles around your prayers which means confidently believing that God will answer.  Any metaphor would work, he likes this one because he likes Honi and that story.  As far as name it claim it goes, Batterson does a good job of giving examples of unanswered prayers, but he is not timid in saying that if God wants it for us, we should boldly pray and expect God to do it.  Most of us need to hear that message because we have come to expect a God that doesn’t intervene in our lives and doesn’t want to do big things.

Questions to consider: Do I believe that God wants to do big things in my life?  Why do I pray timidly? Is it really because I don’t want to offend God or is it just that I am timid?  Why do I believe that God did big things in the Bible, but I settle for small and ordinary in my life?  What big dream has God laid on my heart that I am afraid to pray passionately for?

Conclusion: Buy this book.  While your at it, buy anything that Batterson has written.  He is a great author with a refreshing take on what God wants to do in your life.

10 Signs That You Are a Dad of Only Girls

It all seems very normal to me.  However, I can tell by the look on a lot of people’s faces, that it doesn’t seem normal to everyone.  My family is my wife, my three daughters (at this moment 17, 14 and 3.  Soon to all have birthdays.), and me.  One guy, four girls, that’s us.  I love my family.  Don’t ever ask me if I wish I had had a son.  You will receive sarcasm at best.  I live it every day and it seems normal to me because I live it.  However, I know it’s unusual and I do feel it sometimes.  So here you go, 10 signs that you are a dad of only girls.

I guess our family looking normal is a relative term

I guess our family looking normal is a relative term

1. You go to someone else’s house and you freak out a little bit inside that the toilet seat is up. There are no toilet seats up at our house–ever.  Maybe I have forgotten a couple of times in 21+years, but I made a decision to serve my wife and now my girls in this way.  So now when I go somewhere else and I see a raised seat, I think, “Is this OK? Someone is going to be in trouble.”  Then I have an incredible internal struggle when I finish going to the bathroom.  Do I put it down?  I mean it’s not my house, but still the seat is up.  This is how I found it.  So, I leave it up, but I don’t feel great about it.

2. You know the Disney Princesses. Do not misunderstand me.  I don’t just know their names and can identify them.  I know just about everything that there is to know.  I can identify them just by the dress, hair color, hair style, associated Prince, whatever. I know which ones aren’t technically Princesses (I’m looking at you Mulan and I won’t even get into the  Pocahontas controversy)  I also know that for the most part, your favorite princess is the one that looks most like you, i.e. hair color and eye color.  Does that make Jasmine my favorite then?  No, I pick my favorite based on movie quality, and honestly I’m more of a comic relief minor character guy myself.  Gus-Gus is the man.

3.  You have ever been at lunch, work (bonus if you were preaching in front of hundreds of people), etc. and someone says to you, “Do you have glitter on you?” Yes, that has happened to me.  Apparently, the stage lights at our church really brought out the sparkle in the glitter that found its way onto my shirt.  It has also happened many other times, in less embarrassing contexts.  How does it get on you? (you may ask)  If you have to ask, you don’t understand.  There are seasons where glitter is just everywhere all the time.  Just like there are seasons where cheerios are everywhere, or Barbie shoes, or orthodontic rubber bands. Glitter is like cat hair, but more fabulous and I’m less allergic.

4. No one borrows your stuff. All my shirts are right where I put them.  Same with my shampoo and soap.  No one wants my stuff.  My stuff looks and/or smells “like a dad.” I don’t take that as an insult, but I assure you that it is not a compliment either.  It’s ok for me to look and smell like a dad, but no one else wants to.  On the rare occasion that someone uses my shampoo (that smells like Old Spice), it doesn’t happen twice.  “AAARRRGHH! I smell like a dad!!!!”  Notable exception: my long sleeve t-shirts make great night shirts.  I don’t wear long sleeve t’s very often, so when they claim one, it becomes theirs.  So technically they are not borrowing them.  They are stealing them.

5. You leave about 30 minutes later than you want to when everyone is going together. I’ve been observing this phenomenon for years, and I can’t really explain it.  I can only describe it.  There is always one who forgot something, lost something, needs to do something, whatever.  Just when that person finds or does whatever and there is a glimmer of hope, that sparks the memory of another.  Now they are gone.  They can’t do these things concurrently and I’m not sure why.  It just the way it is.  So, you have to implement the “say we need to leave at 2:00 when we really need to leave at 2:30″ policy.  As everyone gets older and wiser, they ask, “Is it really 2:00 or are you just saying that?”  Poker-face.  Give them only the poker-face.

6. Similarly, it takes 5 extra minutes to leave when you are going somewhere by yourself. This is because you have to make sure that you equally distribute the hugs and kisses.  It’s not as easy as it seems, because if it takes you too long to do this, then the girl you first gave a good-bye hug to will forget that you already hugged her or will decide she needs another.  It is possible to get caught in an infinite loop here.  It’s OK though, I don’t mind at all.

Strong Selfie Game

Strong Selfie Game

7. Your selfie game is stronger than other guys. If you do not understand the phrase “selfie game,” then you probably don’t even have one daughter.  Anyway, I have been in countless selfies with my girls and have been known on occasion to send selfies back and forth to my girls.  I know what situations call for what kinds of selfies, soft smiles, awkward looks, cheesing, whatever.  My game is strong.

8. Game time at your house is relatively quiet. You may think that this is counter-intuitive.  The girls aren’t interested in the game, so they make noise and talk.  Nope that’s not how it works.  The girls are not interested in the game, are repulsed by it and don’t want to be in the room with it, less they get infected by it or die of boredom.  The battle is in gaining control of the TV.  However, once you have it, it’s pretty quiet, except for the occasional mocking comment as someone is walking by.  (Just tune it out. Tune it out.)

9.  You can almost immediately tell the difference between Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift, Adrianna Grande, etc. music. Furthermore, you know which ones put out good music and which one’s don’t.  Yeah, that’s right.  I said some of it is good.  Are you judging me? Don’t make me throw glitter on you.  In fact, I use the opportunity that I can tell the difference to explain to them what auto-tuning is.  I’ve been known to say, “The computer is singing pretty well in this song.  I wonder what ___________’s voice sounds like.”  I give a lot of freedom in what we listen to on the radio.  Did I say radio? What they play in the car through their phone.  One rule.  No Bieber. No exceptions.

Finally number 10, you knew it was coming.  The cheesy one…

That's a lot of love (Look another selfie)

That's a lot of love (Look another selfie)

10. You are overwhelmed with love. Being the most important man in the world to 4 girls is one of the greatest privileges in the world.  I would not trade it for anything.  People ask me what it’s like to be outnumbered.  I tell them that I wouldn’t know, because they are all on my side.  I feel very blessed to have the family that I do and be the sometimes sparkly, but always loved dad of girls.

Stop Taking Those Spiritual Gift Tests (The Path)

September 3, 2015 by cloften  
Filed under Bible, Church and Leadership

Confession time.  I do not like spiritual gift tests.  This is not to say that I don’t believe in spiritual gifts or their value.  Spiritual gifts are real and incredibly valuable to us and to what God is doing in and through us all over the world.  It’s the tests that are no good.  A typical question goes something like this:

32. I enjoy teaching God’s word to groups of people None      A little       Sometimes      Often      Always

Hmmm. I wonder what spiritual gift that is trying to evaluate.  It’s such a mystery.  It’s obvious that it is trying to “help” you determine if you have the gift of teaching. So, if you want to have the gift of teaching, circle always and blammo! You have the gift of teaching.  Spiritual gift tests are more passion evaluators than gift inventories.  I want to be a teacher and I can have the gift according to this test if I answer the obvious questions the right way.

However, there is a big difference between you having a passion for something and you having a skill in that area.  I would even say that there is a difference between having a skill in an area and being spiritually gifted in that area.  Passion means you love something.  A skill means that you are good at it.   A spiritual gift means you have God’s power behind it.

You see, spiritual gifts have spiritual effects.  You can call yourself a teacher, but if no one is learning than you are not a teacher, you are a talker to people.  People can learn information from you and even a new skill and then you are a teacher.  However, when are you a spiritually gifted teacher? You are a spiritually gifted teacher, when you teach and God’s spirit shows up in a big way and people’s lives are changed.  When do you have the gift of hospitality? Not just that you want people to come over to your house.  They also need to feel welcomed and then that hospitality is having a spiritual effect in the lives of the people.

You don’t have the gift of teaching if no one is listening. You don’t have the gift of hospitality if no one enjoys coming to your home.  You don’t have the gift of encouragement if everyone feels worse after talking to you.  You don’t have the gift of discernment if you are always wrong.

So rather than doing a self-evaluation survey. You should give one to your friends for you. You should ask them what they see in you.  Ask them how they have seen God use you in the lives of other people.  See then if that agrees with what you think.  The best evaluation tool is to ask the question, “Where have I seen God move when I minister to others?” Again, knowing what your passionate about is a great thing to know.  That’s a great blog post for another day, but spiritual gifts have spiritual effects.

I believe that I am good at communicating the gospel to lost people.  I understand the theology of the gospel.  I have great illustrations.  I also am a pretty good communicator.  Does that mean I have the gift of evangelism? No it doesn’t.  In fact, I know that I don’t.  Why do I know this? Because people do not very often come to Christ when I share.  I remember in the summer of 1995, my wife and I were on a mission trip to Ukraine.  This was fairly soon after the old Soviet Union opened up to travelers and to missionaries in particular.  Our group was doing a lot of evangelism and people were coming to Christ in large numbers.  Except there was one guy on the team who was not leading anyone to Christ.  Would you like to guess who?

It was very frustrating and discouraging. In the team meetings there would be these great stories and I wouldn’t have one.  I feel like I was sharing very well and explaining the gospel well but nothing.  One afternoon I went out with another team member and they were sharing with someone we had met.  The presentation was a mess.  The gospel was poorly communicated.  I began to doubt my own salvation because I wasn’t sure I understood the gospel anymore.  I looked over at the Ukrainian student and they are crying.  They say they want to receive Christ.  I ask them to explain to me what that means and they proceed to explain the gospel better than it was explained to them .  At the time I was dumfounded.  Now I recognize spiritual gifts.  They have spiritual effects.  My friend had the gift of evangelism.

I on the other hand got to speak at a large group gathering one night and it was amazing.  You could feel the presence of God.  I spoke on the need for Christian fellowship.  I was talking about the early church in Acts 2.  It was an evangelistic message, using fellowship as a motivating tool for people to come to Christ.  After the service, students were talking to Christians all over the room and outside.  Dozens came to Christ that night, being led by people with the gift of evangelism after God had used someone with the spiritual gift of teaching to stir them.  Spiritual gifts have spiritual effects.

So look at the list of spiritual gifts and ask yourself and others, where and when have I seen God move in my life? What was I doing? How was God using me?  There is where you will find your spiritual gifts.

So You Want to Date My Daughter, Do You?

September 2, 2015 by cloften  
Filed under Family and Parenting

Seriously, this isn't illegal?

Seriously, this isn't illegal?

I have what some would say are old-fashioned ideas about when and whom my daughter can date.  Others would say that they are not old-fashioned, they are just plain weird and they’ve never heard of anything like it before.

The assumption people have is that since I have only daughters, and that I have weird rules for my daughters dating, that my goal is to intimidate boys–that I somehow am the guy who cleans his shotgun on the front porch when the boy comes to the front door and makes menacing statements about holes in the backyard as he is walking up.  Allow me to put that myth to rest.  First, I do not own a shotgun.  Second, what people describe seems highly unsafe and might could be characterized as terroristic threatening, which is, in fact, a felony.  Finally my goal is not to intimidate anyone.  Allow me to explain “the rules.”

First, you cannot date or say that you have a boyfriend until it makes sense.  What does that mean?  I’ll give you an example.  A second grader having a boyfriend doesn’t make sense.  A 6th grader saying they are “going out” with another 6th grader doesn’t make sense.  “You’re going out, huh.  Where do you go?”  “Nowhere.” “Do you sit next to each other during lunch?”  “No.”  “So what does it mean that you’re going out?”  “…” Doesn’t make sense.

Charlie it doesn’t have to make sense.  It’s cute.  Nope.  Not cute.  Confusing.  Kids imitating grown up behavior without the emotional and mental maturity to back it up is confusing and potentially dangerous.

You see, the river of relationships flows one direction. Every relationship you are in needs to get deeper and progress and every new relationship needs to be deeper and go further than the one before. That often gets defined as verbal, emotional and physical commitment–things that kids aren’t ready for.  Best remedy for that is to keep them out of the river as best you can for as long as you can.

“Wait, wait, wait.  You are supposed to tell me when they can start dating! Give me a number! 15? 16? 32?”  To me, this is not some rite of passage that is determined by your age.  You can’t date when you are 15, but suddenly you go to sleep one day 15 and wake up the next day 16 and you can date.  It depends on the girl’s maturity, the culture of where we live, the potential boy we are talking about.  It’s not a number. It’s when it makes sense…for that particular girl.

Second, when it starts to potentially make sense that my daughters could start dating, the boy has to come meet with me.  He has to ask for my permission to take her out, even if it is in a group context and even if it is just as friends.  “Whoa! That seems intense.  Not many boys would be willing to do that.”  Correct. Similarly, there are not many boys that I would trust to go on a date with one of my daughters.  This is, in part, a simple process to weed out ones that lack the maturity to be on a date with a girl.  If you lack the maturity to have one face to face conversation with an adult, you lack the maturity to be trusted to be with my daughters.

If you were asking to borrow anything else that was mine, you would ask.  This is one of the most precious things that is mine.  You most certainly will ask.

Ok, so you meet with them, and this is where you intimidate them, right? Nope.  The situation is intimidating enough without me trying to make it worse.  My goal is not to intimidate them.  My goal is to influence and lead someone who clearly has a measure of influence on my daughter.  His influence could theoretically grow.  I need to build a relationship of influence with this guy.

“Have you done this before? What do you say?”  Yes I have.  Twice now. Both times were when I didn’t think it was appropriate for the girls to be dating someone, i.e. have a boyfriend/relationship.  However, I was willing to let them go on a group date to a function of some kind.  I communicated 2 things primarily to them during these meetings.

First is that perhaps the greatest role that I play in my life, pastor included, is the protector and guardian of my daughters’ honor and purity.  It is my responsibility until what I call “the handoff” to guard and protect them.  On that day I will literally and figuratively give her hand to a man.  Until then, it is my job.  I need him to understand that what he is asking me to do is to entrust him for a brief window of time with guarding her the way that I would.  That may sound deep and more than a boy could grasp.  You are partially right.  A boy that would have the courage to ask out my daughter and meet with me, can handle it.  We are 2 for 2 so far.

Secondly, I make sure that he and I both understand what dating as friends mean.  We could use the same words and mean different things.  What I mean primarily is we are friends in how we talk and touch.  We don’t say that we are in love with her, that we need her, that she is the most important person in the world…those kinds of things.  We also don’t make out, kiss, play grabby grabby, etc.  This is definitely uncomfortable but it is our unwillingness to have uncomfortable conversations with kids that gets those kids in trouble later.

As serious as I can be, I am not trying to intimidate, I am trying to call them up.  Just like my teenagers are in an awkward position transitioning from girls to women, the boys are struggling as well.  I can help.  I was one of them once.  I really do want the boy to win.

But more than anything, I want you to know and my girls definitely know that this is birthed completely out of a love and care for them.  They know that I am their guardian and protector and they want that and are comforted by it.  A loving protector is what they need and it is my great privilege to be called by God to do it.

(Bonus tease: As some of you know, one boy passed that gauntlet, dated my oldest as “friends” for a year and now they are “boyfriend/girlfriend.”  In the process, he and I have a great relationship and so do they.  It can work.  That’s a blog post for another day.)

What Does the Rise of Donald Trump Say About Us?

September 1, 2015 by cloften  
Filed under Bible, Church and Leadership

Seriously. It was great TV.

Seriously. It was great TV.

If you watched the early seasons of The Apprentice, then you saw some amazing television.  It was during the prime of the reality TV show competitions and “The Donald” was hilarious.  The attitude, the hair, the one-liners.  He was a character made for reality TV.  It ran its course after a few years and switched to “Celebrity” Apprentice (I think we are ultimately going to have to redefine that word) and Heiid and I lost interest.  I’m stunned it was still on this year, but he is a great TV character.  But Troy, Bill, Omarosa that was some good TV.

So, a few years ago when The Donald started inserting himself into politics, I knew it was going to be good TV at a minimum.  Then, he did it.  He decided to run for president.  I follow politics closely, and guard my personal politics just as closely.  I knew this was going to be interesting.  He would cause a storm and have some great one-liners.  He would get the publicity that he wanted, have a good time and then the “regular” political race would continue.

But then something happened, he became the front-runner…by a lot…in an overwhelming large pool of candidates.  He was/is getting 25% of the Republican primary in a crowded field of 17 candidates.  This makes a brother stop and wonder, how does such a thing happen? What does this say about us and the current state of American politics?

Disclaimers: If you are planning on voting for him, you will probably think I’m slamming him.   If you think he is a big jerk, you will probably think I’m justifying him.  If both groups are a little upset, then I have set the right tone for this.  Also, for the purpose of this piece, his particular politics are irrelevant.  If he had come out as the polar opposite on the issue of immigration, I am coming to believe that the result would have been the same.  The haters would love. The lovers would hate.  Because his personality and approach to the political stage are tapping something inside of us and are the natural result of where our political culture and culture as a whole has been heading.  Final disclaimer: I am not telling you to vote or not vote for him.  I do not believe that is my place or my particular calling to do that.  My thoughts on that are pretty well-documented.  Click on the politics tag at the bottom and read for yourself, if you’d like.

1. He says what he actually thinks. There is something particularly refreshing about someone who just tells you what he thinks in easy to understand language.  For years politicians have talked in a way to make what they say seem vague enough to send the right message to supporters but confuse other people.  They also give themselves the wiggle room they need to get out of something that they said if it turns out to be unpopular later.  They intentionally obfuscate in order to be able to say later, “You may have thought that’s what I said, but what I meant was…” They can put any number of things at the end of that sentence depending what is expedient.  All sides of the spectrum have grown weary of that and are looking for someone who will just “shoot straight” with them.  If The Donald is anything, he is clear.  This leads to the next one.

2. The end of respectful disagreements is almost dead if not already dead. When is the last time you heard someone in politics or in much of anything say, “Allow me to respectfully disagree,” “I see your point but please allow me to explain why I see it differently,” “Can we agree to disagree?”  Nope, that’s not what you are going to hear.  Instead we get, “Allow me now to show you what an idiot you are,” “I could see your point if I were an idiot, but I’m not so…” “Can we agree that you are an idiot?”  Our thinking has become so polarized that we can no longer believe that there are good-hearted intelligent people who see things differently than me.  Don’t believe me? Check your Facebook wall or any cable news network, not just the one that THEY like, the one you like too.  In a world where people who disagree with me are immoral or stupid, we become attracted to someone who will just “tell it like it is.”  I think they are idiots and I want someone who will say that they are idiots.  Which leads to the third.

3. He is unapologetic. We have decided that we are sick of people who back down when they are pushed.  Say what you mean, say it strong and don’t say your sorry.  The Donald has no problem saying what he thinks, saying it strongly and not backing down if someone is offended.  Whether he is referencing POW’s, female moderators of debates or simply people who disagree with him, he will not back down or apologize.  He has said that he has never sought God’s forgiveness.  If that’s the case, I wouldn’t think that Megyn Kelly or Jorge Ramos should be waiting by the phone.  We have been building toward this for a while as well.  George W. Bush multiple times during his presidency said that he couldn’t think of any mistakes that he had made.  President Obama followed that up by saying his greatest mistake was not doing a good enough job telling people in the right way that what he was doing was right.

We take arrogance and call it strength.  “Well if you admit that you did something wrong, THEY will make an ad slamming you, so you can’t.”  I get it and this is where we are then.  We decide that if THEY won’t back down, WE won’t back down.  I’m not going to give THEM anything.  So humility and honesty are considered vices not virtues.  I want to be led by someone who makes mistakes, knows that and then fixes them.  I don’t want to be spun and told up is down and down is up.  However, that is where we are.  Until that changes, we can expect our candidates to only get more brash and arrogant.  While some of that isn’t all bad, it certainly isn’t all good either.

Bonus:

4. He is giving political speeches in a suit and a baseball cap. Who doesn’t love that?

5. He’s a celebrity. I believe we are just a few years away from exclusively electing celebrities as president.  No further comment here.  A celebrity culture rant may come later.  I’ll just leave you with this.  President Kanye West.

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