What Every Husband Needs from His Wife

Whenever I mention Big Fat Greek Wedding, I typically get two responses.  The first is a blank stare because they haven’t heard of it.  The movie is 13 years old, which must mean that I am 100 years old.  (Back to the Future is 30 years old.  Original Star Wars is 38 years old.  I saw all of these movies in the theater.  My first movie in the theater was Apple Dumpling Gang which is 40 years old.)  For people that remember the movie, everyone remembers Windex.  The dad in the movie believed that Windex would cure anything and he was always spraying it on people.  At my house it was Spectrocin plus.  It could heal a broken bone.

Anyway, the scene that I remember is when the daughter is wanting to go to school and she is talking to her mom and aunt about it.  The daughter’s concern is that Dad will not approve and that no only does he have to go along, but it needs to be his idea.  She’s discouraged and said, “You know Dad.  He’s the head of the family.  It has to be his idea.”  Then the mom says something that has stuck with me for 13 years, “Yes the man he is the head, but the wife, she is the neck, and the neck turns the head wherever she wants it to go.”

I give that quote a D- for manipulation, but an A+ for accuracy.  The wife has incredible power in the marriage relationship over her husband.  In fact, a woman in any serious relationship with a man will have incredible power.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a mom and son or a dating relationship or just great friends, the woman has great power.  Read my wife’s awesome words on that here.  (We have been taking turns on writing on love and respect.  You can see the tag at the bottom.  Trying to get a husband and wife perspective on the same topics.)

Countless times I have heard women say that they wish that their husbands were better leaders, took more initiative, helped more, served more.  These women are often desperate.  They believe that they have tried everything and nothing seems to be working.  However, far too often what “trying everything” means is nagging, yelling, and passive-aggressive behavior.  On their best day, perhaps is means calmly complaining.  None of that has worked.  Unfortunately, those things rarely work.  A husband should respond to the desperate cries of his wife, but he rarely does.

Well, what works then?  You are the neck.  Steer him to where you want to go, but you must use different fuel, a different way to motivate–your positive words.  Your husband will become what you say that he is.  If you say that he is great leader and husband, he will become one.  You tell him that you are proud of him and he will be someone to be proud of.

“But what if he is an idiot and not great at those things? Am I supposed to lie?”

Short answer: Yes.

Longer answer:  Affirm him in the areas in which he is doing well and try to keep quiet on the areas in which he is not.  Behavior that you affirm will be repeated.  If that sounds manipulative, so be it.  I assure you that he will prefer this type of manipulation to any other kind that you have tried.  He will be driven by your words of encouragement.  Even if you both read this and he knows what you are doing, he won’t care.  He will just love the affirmation.

Respect is the fuel that drives men.  Men define respect in marriage as affirmation (believing in him) and sexual responsiveness. (Read Heidi’s words on that here.)  When a man has both of those things, a wife that both tells him that she thinks that he is great and shows him that she thinks he’s great by responding to him physically, he becomes a great man.  When a man lacks those, he becomes passive and resentful, all the things that frustrate their wives so much.

“But WAIT! He should be a good husband and leader without those things.  He shouldn’t need me to tell him and have sex with him to be who he is supposed to be.  That’s pitiful.”

Correct.  He shouldn’t.  But we burn way too much energy talking about what “should” be true instead of dealing in the reality of what is true.  It is also true that a wife is called unconditionally by God to do those things for her husband regardless of her perception of his worthiness.  God’s commands for a wife to respect her husband and to respond to him are unconditional, just as the commands for him to love and lead are unconditional.  We need to stop thinking of our basic responsibilities to our spouses as quid pro quo, but unconditional commands from God.

Furthermore, we will finish where we started.  You have great power.  You are a strong neck.  If it didn’t matter if you were respecting and responding, then that would be you having no power or influence at all, when in fact you have tremendous power. If you have great power, then you need to use it wisely.  You have the power to make or break the man in your life. He will become what you say that he is.  Better said, he will become what you believe that he is.  If you believe he is worthless, he will prove you right.  However, if you choose to believe that he is a great man who just needs a little encouragement, I promise you, you will be pleasantly surprised by the great man he becomes.