Ice Days, Cancelling Basketball and Gender Stereotypes

So here we sit as a family on what people call a snow day.  However, considering that there is minimal snow on the ground, we will call it an ice day.  We got an automated call at 5:30 this morning that school was cancelled (nice system, keeps me from feeling the need to check every hour in the middle of the night.  OCD anyone?).  Then, much later, after I got up, I saw an email that the girls’ basketball games had been cancelled for tomorrow.   (Even though I am a native Arkansan, I do not understand the cancelling due to weather the day before.  But that is a matter for another day.)

Really, what I am concerned about today is that the games were cancelled, regardless of the fact that it is likely the right call.  I want to play.  I love watching them play basketball.  They have an unbelievable intensity on the court.  If someone touches a loose ball or, heaven forbid, attempt to take the ball from them, they both get this look on their face that says, “how dare you.” Then like a wild animal they will, in fact, get the ball back.  Even Maylee, my girly girl princess, (actually especially Maylee), has this switch inside her that transforms her from the diva strutting during the introductions, to a destructive basketball force that gets every rebound, allows the girl she is guarding to score no points and sets picks that would make a grown man cry.

As always, this is the point where you, the reader (noun intentionally singular), says “what is the point?”  I dunno, to brag on the girls? To make you want to come to one of their games?  Stereotypes of genders are real.  Sometimes we may not like or appreciate them, but some of them are real.  However, in this house we do not let those things define us.  My girls may be emotional, they may love pink, and they may even both hate math.  On the other hand they play basketball with aggression and passion and intensity.  In the same way, your boys may run with the energy of a perpetual motion machine, throw every toy they have, and make guns out of Twizzlers.  Let them cry, let them express emotion.  Let them be balanced men. 

Maybe in 30 years, I will let one of them date one of my daughters.

That’s not fair

Have you ever noticed how much time we spend lamenting things that we have deemed are not “fair”?  Why did he get that job?  Why does my brother get to stay up later than me?  Why do they have more money?  Why did this bad thing happen to me?  Why are these people getting away with hurting me?  “IT’S NOT FAIR!”

I say all of this even as I sit here with a small knot in my stomach myself about something that I wish were different, that will, no matter what, not ever be different.

What an incredible waste of energy it is for us to spend so much time dwelling on what we deem to be not fair.  Why did this happen?  Who let this happen?  Here is what should have happened.  We go on and on.  We lose sleep.  We rant to our friends.  We even get theological and bring God into the situation.  Did God cause this or did he let it happen?  Could he have stopped this?  Why didn’t God stop this?

We are not making the situation better.  We are not helping ourselves or hurting the people that cause us pain. (Though I have found that passive/agressive sulking really does stick it to people).  What then should we do?  First, surrender to the reality that life is not fair.  In John 16:33, Jesus assured us that in this world we would have trouble.  Why then the surprise?  Then we should turn from despair and frustration and turn to hope.  In Romans 5, Paul encourages to rejoice in sufferings (weird, I know), because they lead us to a hope in God’s love that never disappoints.  Everything else can disappoint us, but that hope never will.  Move away from your pain and frustration and turn to the love that God gives. 

I could spend a lot of time frustrated that I’m not 6′6″ and my basketball career was cut short, but I wouldn’t call that productive or helpful.  What is productive and helpful is learning to trust and lean on a God that loves us, especially when life is not fair.

The Fulcrum of Quiet Steadiness

A couple of years ago my in-laws had their 40th wedding anniversary.  All their kids, Heidi and her two brothers, spouses, grandkids, and granddog came in for a week.  One of the presents the three children gave their parents was that each of them wrote a letter of praise and thanks to their parents.  One night we got together and read them.  Heidi had put them together in a nice frame.  There was lots of crying.

I bring this up because Heidi’s brother, Rob (Robert, Robbie, R), in his letter referred to himself as the middle child as the “fulcrum of quiet steadiness.”  (What is a fulcrum you may ask?  Click here.  Still don’t get it?  It’s nerd talk for being bringing balance and calm)  I laughed out loud when I heard this and it has quickly become a part of Loften household vocabulary.  What I like to do now is refer to myself as the fulcrum of quiet steadiness.  I bring peace and calm to what can sometimes be a powderkeg of emotional drama.

(ATTENTION: Gender stereotyping alert)  The women in my life can be quite emotional (that’s not an insult) and sometimes things can get out of hand.  What is my role as Dad?  Too often Dad’s think that they can solve the problem by bringing even more emotion to the situation.  “Well, Cloften, that’s not possible.  I’m the logical, rational one.  I would never bring more emotional drama.”  Really?  You don’t get angry and start yelling?  Often that is exactly what we do.

We believe that we are helping, but what we are doing is sacrificing long term security and calm for the short term benefit of silence.  You come in like a madman in anger telling everyone to “Shut up!!” and you think you’ve achieved your goal if everyone is now quiet.  But what have you actually accomplished?  Have you helped them deal with whatever the issue was?  Have you modeled self-control?  Or have you taught them what they knew already–the loudest one wins?  You won because you are the loudest.

Being a peacemaker is not the same as being a silence creator.  Do the extra work, bring peace, unity, understanding.  Help your family see God’s way of dealing with conflict, with love and grace.  Be the fulcrum of quiet steadiness.

Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late

You probably have noticed that this blog (at least the serious stuff) has taken on a parenting/marriage flavor lately.  There are a couple of reasons for that.  First is that I post mostly on what I am thinking about and doing, and I spend a lot of time being a husband and dad.  I love the three girls in my life and I feel blessed to have them, so I like to talk about them and how cool they are.  Second, I spend a lot of time at my job talking to families that for one reason or another are not doing very well.  They come to me for advice and prayer.  I consider it a privilege to be able to talk to couples and families that need some help, perspective and some wisdom from God’s word.

All that to say, too often I notice that people do not ask for help until it is too late.  Usually one of the two, the husband or wife, is ready to be done and then as a last resort, they ask for help from a friend, pastor or counselor.  If I could give one piece of advice to couples (and the same would apply to parenting and just about anything in life) it would be do not wait to ask for help.  You don’t have to wait until your life is in crisis or things are falling apart.  If something doesn’t feel right, call someone.  If a fight or disagreement seems to be lingering, ask for some advice.  Most problems and disagreements can be easily worked through when they are a 2 on a scale of 1-10.  It is a lot harder when it is a 9 or 10.

There is no shame in asking for help.  Here’s why.  This may be a huge shock to many of you.  You ready?  Marriage, parenting and life in general are hard.  Guess what else?  Everyone knows it.  When you call your pastor or friend and ask for advice, I promise you they will not be thinking, “What a loser.  Marriage is the easiest thing ever.  How did he/she get so bad it?”  No one will think that.

I’ve noticed that 99% of marriage problems are very similar.  Neither spouse feels they are getting what they need from their spouse and they don’t know how to express it or talk about it (More on this in depth at some point).  Sometimes just knowing that your struggle is common and that countless couples have overcome is enough to help you overcome as well.  Anyway, don’t wait.  Consider it like a tune-up.  You are calling to have something checked before something breaks.  In the end, your marriage and family will be much stronger.

(Btw, feel free to shoot me a note at charlie (at) cloften.com with any questions, comments or if you need help with anything)

Two Things Loftens Cannot Fear Part 2

If you missed Part one, check it out here.  The first thing that a Loften cannot fear is talking to adults–ordering food, asking for refills, introducing themselves, etc.  The second, I’m guessing will shock you and maybe make you smile.

The second thing that Loftens are never afraid of is a little less (or a lot less) intuitive.  We are not scared of rides and roller coasters.  That’s right.  The rule is this:  once you are tall enough to ride it, you ride it, at least once.  My guess is that some of you are looking up the numbers for child endangerment services right now.  How could you do such a thing? Well, just like I said in part 1, I put my girls in situations that can be scary but not dangerous.  We are not cliff-diving or swimming with crocodiles.  These rides are safer than riding in the car.

What can the justification for this be?  Do you like watching kids scream? Are you just looking for someone to ride with when your wife won’t?  Are you just mean?  We do this, because the fear of the unknown is not OK.  How much adventure and fun is lost when we are too scared to try?  How often are we intimidated by something that is uncertain and so we stay safe?  A new job, a new opportunity, a new friendship, a new adventure, an awesome roller coaster that goes upside-down and shakes you around at high speeds.

Once you have tried the ride once, you may then choose to not ride it again.  You can decide that you didn’t enjoy it and you don’t want to do it again.  That’s fine.  You cannot however choose to not do something because of an irrational belief that it is unsafe (That sentence was a triple negative, but it seems grammatically ok).  Their Dad that they trust tells them what is safe.  They trust me, not their fears.  I am with them and we face the rides together, the whole time their dad telling them, you are going to love this.

What have we learned.  We have learned that we all love, I mean LOVE roller coasters.  The faster the better, the more upside down the better, backwards, forwards, sitting, suspension, all kinds.  They cannot get enough of them.

Pre ride: Dad: “You are going to love this.”  Daughter: “No, it’s scary.”  Dad: “No it’s not.  You will love it.”

Post ride: Dad: “I was right again, wasn’t I?”  Daughter: “Yes, Dad.  Can we ride it again?”

We’ve also learned that they are not as big of fans of the freefall rides, the ones that pull you straight up and drop you straight down.  Even with that though, I made Maylee ride Tower of Terror again at Disney Hollywood Studios the next time we went to Walt Disney World, even though she didn’t enjoy it the last trip.  Post trip, favorite ride? Tower of Terror.

Fear of the unknown grips us.  We strive for security.  I want my girls to find it in the relational trust that they have in their Dad.  Somehow I wonder if we are stil talking about parenting.  Wouldn’t we do well to face the world not with fear, but relational trust in a Father that loves us and is always with us?

Watch out World, the Loften girls are not scared of you.

2 Things Loftens Cannot Fear Part 1

At first you may think that this is a joke, but you can ask either of my girls what the two things are that we cannot be afraid of as Loftens and they will both tell you the same thing.

The first is that we cannot be afraid to talk to people.  This includes new people that we meet, it includes waitresses, essentially everyone.  For example, we are at a fast food restaurant and we are sitting down at the table with our food.  One of the girls may ask, “Dad can I have some ranch?’  I tell them, “sure” and then I look toward the counter.  They then go to the counter themselves and ask the people themselves and get their own ranch.  You may wonder when I started doing this.  They started ordering for themselves as soon as they could formulate sentences and they have been going to the counter by themselves way earlier than many of you would think is safe.

You may think that I am (at least was) putting my girls into scary situations, and I should (or at least should have) gotten stuff for them, ordered for them, etc.  First, you are right.  This is a scary situation for a little kid.  However, there is a difference between a scary situation and a dangerous one.  I have never put them in danger, but they have been scared.  Why is it important to me that they do this?  First, our lives/my job thrusts my girls into situations all the time where they are meeting new people.  We’ve told them we never go to stranger’s house, we are meeting new friends.  But even if I weren’t a pastor, what better life skill is there than the ability to confidently talk to people, especially people that you might naturally be intimidated by?  There aren’t many.  I’ve said this before, but I want our girls to be confident and want them to have hearts to love and engage with people.  God has called us to love others like we love ourselves and fear will not be what holds a Loften back.

(Stay tuned for Part 2, the second thing we cannot fear.  You won’t believe it.)

Pre-date Your Wife

I am going on a date with my beautiful wife today. We are going to have a great time. I’m sure that we will end up at some girlie shopping place at some point, because we always end up shopping on our dates. I’m not sure how or why, but we do.

Anyway, what I would like to encourage you guys to do is “pre-date” your wife. The date itself can be great, but the love and romance can start before you get dressed up and go eat. Often it is the little things that romance your wife more than the things that we think are big. For example, she has been very tired and rundown the last couple of days, so I let her sleep in. I got both girls ready and off to school. (We even had a total of 3 clothes/hair crises, with just 2 girls, that I managed to successfully avert) I got all the dishes done and even swept the whole kitchen.

While this might sound like public bragging, what I want you to hear is the power of loving your wife through giving her a break from her routines and helping around the house. At this point, our date later could be Captain D’s and a Wal-Mart run and I promise you she will have had a great day. Men, let’s step up and invest into our relationships with our wives. They are precious gifts that God has given us.

Dealing with Bullies, the Loften Way

So any time one of my girls comes to me with a story that someone at school is acting (verbally) like a bully to them, I tell them the same thing on how to respond. I tell them that they should do one of two things (or both). One, they should shake their hands in the air and shout, “Mesopotamia!!!” Second, they should pretend to fall asleep–close their eyes and start snoring.

Why would any Dad in the world do something like that? First, I want my girls to settle down and laugh. It always makes them laugh when I shout “Mesopotamia.” I also hope that in the moment that someone is being mean to think about that and at least in their heart be able to smile. They also need to learn how to take a verbal assault and not lose their temper. I don’t want them to cower, but I also don’t want them escalating the conflict. (Seriously, has lashing back ever helped anyone? Has it ever helped you? Just walk away)

Here is what I thought would never happen. Lauren tried it at school. A boy came up to her and a friend and started talking mean to them. She looked at him for a little while and shouted “Mesopotamia!!!” at him. So when Lauren told me this I was stunned. I asked her what happened next. He told Lauren she was weird, so she then pretended to fall asleep. The boy then walked away. Turns out the plan works. Who knew?

I love my girls. I want them to be strong and gentle. I want them to be strong and proud women free from fear and free from anger. The world can be a rough place, and I want them to walk in it with their heads held high and a quiet strength, confidence and grace that the world will notice and will be honoring to the God that loves them.

Some Thoughts on the Shack Book

Staying on the cutting edge, as always, I just finished the wildly popular Christian book, The Shack.  People have been asking me for a while to read it and “give my thoughts.”  I am not a huge reader, though I go through spurts of reading, and of course, like most of us I wish I read more.  (At least I wish I wanted to read more)

So I finally did get around to read it, and to be honest I am kind of scared to write a full review of the book.  Why?  I am not sure there has been a more polarizing book in a long time.  There are two, very distinct, categories of people that want my thoughts on this book.  First are those that think this is the greatest book ever and is now the definitive Christian book on answering the question of how a Christian should deal with pain and suffering.  The second group are ready to reinstate heresy panels whereby the author may be tried, convicted and excommunicated.

Let me just say that my feelings on the book are, well, shall we say, somewhere in between the two.  I am afraid that whatever I say, I won’t love it enough or hate it enough to satisfy anyone.  “Come on, you spineless weasel! Take a stand.”

I think what he has to say about the “problem of pain” is actually pretty sound and comforting.  He pictures God as not the cause of pain, but one who will use the pain in our lives to bring some good.  All pain, in one form or another, is derived from the world’s separation from God and independence.  Again, God does not cause this pain, but it is a natural consequence from the collective rebellion of people.  Why then does God not choose to intervene and prevent pain?  The author gives a solid two part answer.  God desires to give us freedom and choice, and who knows how much pain and suffering he is preventing.  We will never know, because he prevented it.  Does that leave you unsatisfied?  Probably, and rightly so.  There are some questions that cannot be answered simply, and I don’t believe that even 48 hours in the physical presence of God can give satisfactory, complete answers to some of these questions.

Does the author go too far some times?  Yes.  I would say that he is not a theological scholar when it comes to the Trinity.  Is that going to bend me out of shape?  No.  Was I shocked by his portrayal of God as a black woman?  No.  Was he trying to be shocking?  Yes.  Again, does some of what he does go too far?  Well, what do we even mean by that?  He reduces God to human form as three separate people.  Even the author recognizes this will be incomplete.  Should he have therefore not done it? Of course not.  Anytime we describe or try to explain who God is, we will use limited analogies and words.  It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try.  We just need to recognize the limits, which I believe the author does.

All that to say, I am not a big fan of trying to be shocking for shock value sake.  “God’s a black! woman!  Ooooooohh.”  I found the book to drag in parts.  It still was a pretty quick read.  It is worth your time to read, especially if you have a personal interest in the question of how can their be pain and a loving God.  If you are a theological, doctrinal watchdog, as I can be sometime, you will have to turn some of that off at times and say, “it’s a fiction book.  It’s a fiction book.”

Well, despite my original intent, I did comment some on this.  Did you read it?  What did you think?  Any specific questions that you wish I had answered? Topic I should have covered?  Let me know.

Fellowship Journal

Hey Everyone,

I just wanted to make sure that you all knew that I am the blogger o’ the week at Fellowship Journal this week.  Check it out:

http://www.myfellowshipjournal.com/

« Previous Page — Next Page »