THE Reason Why Marriages Struggle

I hesitate to say that this is the ONLY reason why marriages struggle, because as a mathematician, it’s hard to say 100% of the time to situations.  I also hesitate because of course there are some extreme cases of abuse, neglect, etc. that are the central issue to marriages struggling and/or ending.  However, in every encounter they we have had with dozens of married couples over the last 15 years,  the problem between the couple came down to one issue.  The presenting problems have been vast, ranging from infidelity to pornography addiction to money problems.  We have seen a lot.  However, at the core of all of these presenting problems is a deeper rooted problem that is a part of all marriages that are struggling:

The husband is not loving his wife, the wife is not respecting her husband, and they lack the ability to communicate about it well.

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  Ephesians 5:33

This is Paul’s summary statement about what a marriage relationship needs to look like.  He is describing what wives’ and husbands’ greatest needs are in marriage and how the other spouse is supposed to meet them.  When we can understand what this verse is asking from each of us, learn to implement it well and begin to have healthy conversations with our spouse about it, then we will see God produce healthy marriages in our homes.

What you are about to get is a relatively brief summary of the piece of advice that Heidi, my wife, and I have given countless times to numerous couples.  One of the hardest things that people say to us when we are counseling them is “We’ve been married _____ years and no one ever told us that.”  This idea is what the Bible says is the key to marriages working, our experience has backed it up numerous times and people don’t know because they haven’t heard.  That is why we talk about this in premarriage counseling all the time and why we share it with you today.  We don’t want you to struggle because you don’t know.

1)      The husband is called to love his wife. This is an unconditional command and the primary responsibility that a husband has to his wife.  The key to success is understanding what does love mean in the context of a husband’s relationship with his wife.  We have found that it comes down to 2 things.  First, a wife needs to feel cherished and valuable to her husband.  She needs to know that more than anything he values her.  He values her more than work, sports, time alone, money, other relationships.  Everything.  When she believes that there are areas or people in his life that he values more, the relationship breaks down.  Second, a wife needs security, both relational and financial security.  She needs to know that no matter what, he is not leaving.  She also needs to know that the family is going to be OK financially.  He will do whatever it takes to make sure of that and won’t do anything stupid to wreck the family.

2)      The wife is called to respect her husband. This also is an unconditional command.  “Wait, wait, wait.  Love is unconditional, but respect is earned.”  False.  That is not what the passage says.  Both commands are given without condition.  Just as a wife would say that she needs love the most when she feels unlovable, a husband needs respect when he feels unrespectable.   This also breaks down into 2 parts.  First is words of affirmation.  He needs to hear from you that you think that he is a great man and a great husband.  He needs to know that you believe in him.  Second is sexual responsiveness.  (Yep, I just said that.)  You being into him physically like he is into you makes him believe that you fully trust and respect him.

3)      Learn to talk about this well. Understand yourself well enough to know why you are getting angry.  You aren’t angry with your husband because he is messy with his dirty laundry.  You are angry because he is showing you that he doesn’t value you or your time enough to pick up his stuff.  Who cares about socks on the floor? You care about how he values you.  You also aren’t angry with your wife for asking too many probing questions about your day.  You are upset because you feel like she doesn’t trust you and is checking up on you.   Knowing why you are upset and being able to communicate that makes a huge difference.  The same goes for understanding why your spouse is upset.

Again, this is just a primer.  There is much more that could be said.  You can anticipate a lot more in-depth analysis on how we can understand and live out these three principles well over the coming weeks and months.  I leave you with this to think about.  The issue that has you so upset right now—chores, money, golf, personal space—is that really why you are upset? If not, what is it really?  What is it about those specific problems that triggers such a big response from you and how can you communicate that better to your spouse?

The Questions You Wish They Would Stop Asking by Heidi Loften

“Hey Hon. How was your day?’

“Who did you meet with today?”

“What did you and the kids do today?”

“How was school?”

These are typical questions exchanged in a typical family on any typical day.

But our thoughts when we are posed these questions are frequently less than receptive.  Cue cartoon thought bubbles…

“Basically the same as every other day this week.”

“I didn’t want to have the meetings in the first place.  Much less rehash them now that I am home.”

“We bought groceries and cleaned house and did laundry and picked up the same 47 toys 47 times.”

“It was school.”

The questions may be different. The answers may vary.  But the sentiments are the same.

Q:  “Talk to me.  Invite me into your world.  Share your information with me so that I can connect with you.”

A:  “The information is unimportant and recounting it to you is tedious.  What do I have to say to get you to stop asking me questions?”

The problem with the daily question ritual is that it frequently frustrates both the asker and the asked because it requires the recounting of unimportant facts and does not lead to the true connection desired by the asker.  Depending on your personality and relational dynamics, you may find yourself usually the question asker, usually the asked, or occasionally both.  I am frequently the asker, pumping my husband and kids for information to give me a window into their lives and a taste of the outside world that most stay at home moms are starved for.  However, I am also guilty of rolling my eyes and gritting my teeth before answering inquiries of, “What did you and Laylah (3) do today?” from my well-meaning husband or kids.

Whether you are asking the questions or avoiding them, taking a closer look at what is really happening in this daily ritual, might help us all trade the Q & A dance for interactions that truly invite connection.  There are some things that both parties “need to know” and corresponding “to do’s.”

1. What you need to know:  The heart behind the questions is connection.

Viewing the person drilling you with unwelcome questions as a person who wants to emotionally connect with you, rather than the equivalent of a buzzing mosquito will radically change the tenor of you interaction.

What you need to do:

Look for ways to connect with the question askers in your life.  Offer them your eyes (rather than a view of the back of your phone).  Recognize the love they feel for you and how much they value you.

2. What you need to know:  Information is power.

Yes, the details of what you did today are unimportant.  However, sharing those details with a loved one invites that person into your world and communicates that you value him/her and want to connect.

What you need to do:

Answer the questions.  Place their desire to connect above your desire to avoid tedious questions.  Value others above yourself.

In humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2: 3-4

3. What you need to know:  Asking someone to rehash their day rarely leads to true connection.

You ask, “How was your day?” but you want to know “How are you?”  Invite people to talk about things they want to share about.  Questions they want to answer lead to answers you want to hear.

What you need to do:

Ask different questions.  Rather than asking for a play by play of the day’s happenings, ask for their color commentary.  “How did you feel about your meeting?”  “What are you looking forward to tomorrow?”  “You seem happy.  Did something good happen today?”

Let’s push outside of the easy and mundane questions to draw our family members into real conversation.  Better questions will lead to better answers.  And the next time someone you love asks, “How was your day?” resist the urge to eye roll and take a moment to be thankful you have someone who asks!

Your Kids Won’t Become Something Your Not

We are in Branson at “The City” last weekend (that’s what regulars such as us call Silver Dollar City. You can only use it if you go at least 10 times a year.  “Wait? Do you go 10 times a year?”  Yes, is that weird? “…” Yes and we know all the words to the dialogue at Fire in the Hole and Powderkeg.  Is that weird? “…”  #LongestParentheticalRamble to date).

It was Worldfest which is a festival where different shows/acts/performers from different countries come and put on shows in the various small theaters scattered throughout the City.  We are watching one (I won’t say which one, because my Mom really liked it) and the two kids were with me start leaning over and making snide comments, cheering in mildly facetious ways, etc.  As always, the rhetorical question comes up, “Where did they learn to be like this?”

I will answer the rhetorical question for you, which by definition, makes it not a rhetorical question.  Their whole lives they have been listening to their two parents watch various reality shows, newscasts, live Branson shows like they were Statler and Waldorf (Boom! Dated reference!)

This is what happens at their house quite often, and occasionally leaks onto social media.  We make fun of things that we find to be cheesy or over the top–generally things that are entertaining in ways that they didn’t intend.

While this is a somewhat humorous example, it leads to a more serious issue.  Our kids are becoming what they see.  They are becoming their parents, and there really aren’t any other options than that.

“But Cloften, my kid is smarter than me, plays the piano, is good at sports.  Neither one of us were like that.”  Sure, they can have different interests, skills and hobbies.  They can even be better at certain activities than you.  However, they will not have better character.

Have you ever yelled at your kid about them yelling at someone else?  Have you ever overreacted in anger to them overreacting in anger?  Have you ever had a rough night’s sleep worrying about the fact that your kid has a lot of anxiety at school?

They are watching and learning.  They are taking their cues about how to talk to other people based on the way you talk to their mother/father even if you aren’t married.  They are taking their cues based on how you talk to them, on the way you handle adversity and the relationships they see that you have.

Do you want them to stop fighting? Stop fighting with your spouse.  Do you want them to not be angry?  Stop getting angry with them.  Are “shut up” and “crap” bad words?  Don’t use them, even when you think they aren’t listening.  Do you want them to conduct themselves in a sophisticated manner at a Branson show?  Don’t…you get the idea.

One of the keys to having kids with good character is to become a person of character yourself.

One final piece of advice.  If you are ever the primary performer at a Branson show and you say, “Feel free to cheer and whoop however you feel.  Be as loud as you like,” watch out.  We might be there and do just that.

So I’m Babysitting My Kids This Weekend

So, Heidi is going on a women’s retreat this weekend.  She left today (Friday) at about noon and will get back into town late in the afternoon on Sunday.  All weekend long it is just Maylee, Lauren and me.  I’m babysitting the two of them all weekend long . . .

Wait for it . . .

Gotcha.  I’m predicting a couple of things.  One, at least one mom will post an angry comment on my FB page at the post link before reading the post.  B, at least five moms screamed out loud (Go ahead and confess).

One of moms’ favorite lines to drop on an unsuspecting dad is this, “It’s not babysitting when it’s your own kids.  It’s called parenting.”  Sorry guys, I have to agree with them.  You may think that all you mean is that I am going to be with my kids, but when you say babysitting you imply that this is some task or duty that you are obligated to perform rather than a normal part of your life.

Here is the question for you: When your wife is with your kids, is it babysitting?  Here’s another:  If she has to ask you if she can be gone and can you watch the kids, do you have to do the same?  Or is it a situation where she is the default parent and you have freedom to do whatever you want?

Here is what we communicate to our wife: It is your job to watch our kids.  I am doing you a favor when I watch our kids.  However, that is a terrible perspective.  If you are doing anyone a favor, it is you.  You get the opportunity to do something that you probably don’t get enough time to do.  You get to spend focused time with your kids.  You get their undivided attention.  You get a chance to spoil them, enjoy them, let them know that you love them and that they are a top priority for you.

You also get the opportunity to show your wife how much you love her.  You get to show how much you value her time, how much you want her to be able to get away and take a mom break.  You can show her that you are completely with her as parents and that you are a team. Whether mom works outside the home or not, she deserves regular time away and just some time for herself or with her friends.  You have a great chance to show and tell her how valuable she is and give her that special time away.

Besides, it’s not babysitting, because you’re not getting paid. Well, not in money anyway.

Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late

You probably have noticed that this blog (at least the serious stuff) has taken on a parenting/marriage flavor lately.  There are a couple of reasons for that.  First is that I post mostly on what I am thinking about and doing, and I spend a lot of time being a husband and dad.  I love the three girls in my life and I feel blessed to have them, so I like to talk about them and how cool they are.  Second, I spend a lot of time at my job talking to families that for one reason or another are not doing very well.  They come to me for advice and prayer.  I consider it a privilege to be able to talk to couples and families that need some help, perspective and some wisdom from God’s word.

All that to say, too often I notice that people do not ask for help until it is too late.  Usually one of the two, the husband or wife, is ready to be done and then as a last resort, they ask for help from a friend, pastor or counselor.  If I could give one piece of advice to couples (and the same would apply to parenting and just about anything in life) it would be do not wait to ask for help.  You don’t have to wait until your life is in crisis or things are falling apart.  If something doesn’t feel right, call someone.  If a fight or disagreement seems to be lingering, ask for some advice.  Most problems and disagreements can be easily worked through when they are a 2 on a scale of 1-10.  It is a lot harder when it is a 9 or 10.

There is no shame in asking for help.  Here’s why.  This may be a huge shock to many of you.  You ready?  Marriage, parenting and life in general are hard.  Guess what else?  Everyone knows it.  When you call your pastor or friend and ask for advice, I promise you they will not be thinking, “What a loser.  Marriage is the easiest thing ever.  How did he/she get so bad it?”  No one will think that.

I’ve noticed that 99% of marriage problems are very similar.  Neither spouse feels they are getting what they need from their spouse and they don’t know how to express it or talk about it (More on this in depth at some point).  Sometimes just knowing that your struggle is common and that countless couples have overcome is enough to help you overcome as well.  Anyway, don’t wait.  Consider it like a tune-up.  You are calling to have something checked before something breaks.  In the end, your marriage and family will be much stronger.

(Btw, feel free to shoot me a note at charlie (at) cloften.com with any questions, comments or if you need help with anything)

Pre-date Your Wife

I am going on a date with my beautiful wife today. We are going to have a great time. I’m sure that we will end up at some girlie shopping place at some point, because we always end up shopping on our dates. I’m not sure how or why, but we do.

Anyway, what I would like to encourage you guys to do is “pre-date” your wife. The date itself can be great, but the love and romance can start before you get dressed up and go eat. Often it is the little things that romance your wife more than the things that we think are big. For example, she has been very tired and rundown the last couple of days, so I let her sleep in. I got both girls ready and off to school. (We even had a total of 3 clothes/hair crises, with just 2 girls, that I managed to successfully avert) I got all the dishes done and even swept the whole kitchen.

While this might sound like public bragging, what I want you to hear is the power of loving your wife through giving her a break from her routines and helping around the house. At this point, our date later could be Captain D’s and a Wal-Mart run and I promise you she will have had a great day. Men, let’s step up and invest into our relationships with our wives. They are precious gifts that God has given us.

« Previous Page